The Tour

How did this come to be? Why does this Ministry exist? And what of its Black Pope, Linus Furious? Are he and the Dark Overlord of Freeballing, Darth Furious, truly one and the same?

For these answers and more, we penetrated deep into the outback of the Reverend's mind. The results were startling. Hop in the jeep with Nigel, and he'll show you some of the highlights...

Our fearless guide, Nigel.

...we are now leaving the tamer portions of the mind behind. Please keep your head and arms inside the vehicle at all times. The indigenous wildlife can be unpredictable in these parts... We have had word from the natives that some of the wilder mental constructs have been seen hunting in this vicinity. If we are very quiet, we may catch a glimpse - Look there, muttering amid the brackets - I believe it's... YES - it is the Internal Monologue!

"I'm sorry [not] about this blog entry. I had hoped [you have no hope] to write something pithy and inspirational for today [what is pith, anyway?], but nothing really came to mind [heh heh, he said "came"]. Because of Sloth's post [mmmm, Sloth in a Catholic school uniform] I thought about trying to explain [bore everyone with] the Buddhist perspective on abortion [yeah, ask the little bald celibate guys in robes for guidance on reproductive issues - great idea], but decided it might be a bit too heavy. I hope [what, with the hope again?] that this light-hearted tour of my mental ecosystem will educate [is this gonna' be on the test?] and entertain in its place [I got your "entertainment" right here]."

Isn't he a beauty folks? It's a rare treat to see one in its natural habitat. He seems to have spotted the females in our group, so we'll hear nothing more from him today. We'd best move along.

...we are in luck! Just atop the trees to our right - it's the Ego. [*snarl*] I'm sorry, I meant, Mr. Ego [*ROAR*] Oh, pardon me - what I meant to say was, Dread Thegn and Warrior, Winner of Wars, Singer of Songs, and Breaker of Hearts, a real life le chevalier fait malade, The Black Pope, the most flawed tragic hero since Lancelot himself, the one, the only, the Rite Reverend... Claudius... Linus... Fuuuuuurrrrrious!!

"Thank you, thank you. No - thank YOU. It's really great to be here; I mean that. Bob, could you bring up the house lights? What a great looking crowd. For my first number tonight I'd like to take you back to a simpler time. A time when the men were men, the women were almost men, and the sheep ran scared. Now this happened back in the summer of 'aught two..."

We'll just move along, as the Ego can be a bit long winded. He can go on for hours like this. He's so self-absorbed that he won't even notice we're gone...

...our scouts tell us that several of the Emotions have been spotted in this next clearing. These particular specimens are a bit flattened, as they have all been crushed so many times. Most keep to their burrows now, with the exception of Anger. He can often be found in this vicinity raging about nothing in particular. He was last seen yelling at a rock for being lazy. I believe I hear him now...

"Well, you can kiss my fucking ass, pal! You are really pissing me off, just sitting there all goddamn day, EVERY goddamn day! If you don't like it, why don't you just leave!? Huh? Why? I'll tell you why - cuz you can't - cuz you're a fucking rock, that's why! You've got no limbs! Two words for ya' - no fucking limbs! How do you like that?!"

Perhaps we can lure him a bit closer to the jeep with conversation... "I say, lovely weather we are having in this part of the mind."

"Well, who the fuck are you?"

Oh this is smashing! He's coming closer... "We are a tour group; I am their guide."

"So you think you're some kind of college educated expert on this mind or something?"

"Well, I suppose -"

"Well la-dee-fuckin'-da! An Expert! Well, Mister EXPERT, what would you do if I jump up on your rickety fuckin' little jeep here and kick your expert ass all the way back to the Inner Child? Huh? What're you gonna' do about it? I'll tell you what you're gonna do - NOTHING! 'Cuz you're a pansy-ass, college punk, mama's boy with a limey accent and a fucking pith helmet!! And what is pith anyway? Get away from me before I get really pissed off and rip your goddamn eyes out and piss on your fucking brain!! Hey!! Where are you going? I'm talking to you!!!

He seems to feel threatened, so we'll just move along...

... ooh, look there under that fallen log. I believe it is the Self-Esteem! It was feared that this and a related species known as the Self-Respect were extinct, but here is one in full plumage! This is a wonderful find - let's see if we can draw it from its lair... "Good Day old chap! How is it with you?"

"I can't move."

"Oh dear! Are you wounded?"

"Well, my spine was broken years ago... but I get by. Actually I was hit by lightning and slipped on the mud here, and then this tree fell on me and caught fire..."

Ordinarily, I try to leave the wildlife untouched, but this one time I could make an exception... "Sit tight my good man - we'll break out the rope and have you out in a jiff."


"Well, don't you want to run free with the other Emotions?"

"Not really. They all stopped listening to me decades ago. Happiness and Pride decided they'd rather be friends with Disillusionment and Bitterness. They formed a garage band called, "I Was Robbed." I think they cut a record a while back. The three brothers Lust, Envy, and Loathing kick my ass everytime I see them, and Self-Pity just goes around telling everyone what they want to hear. It sucks."

"My word! What about Love?"

"He just sits in front of his cave drinking Absinthe and humming Beatles tunes. He's been in a drunken stupor for at least a decade now."

Perhaps we should move along and leave this to a therapist, or at the very least, a tree surgeon..."Well, cheers - we're off."

"Stop by any time. I'm not going anywhere."

We're out of time for today, but tune in next week as Nigel leads us on a daring expedition into the lair of the Sub-Concious, and one of the Emotions gets voted off the island...


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