Gay Marriage (Set Rant Filter to "High")

As a flaming heterosexual, I've never had to consider my right to get married. It's a given, like my right to pay crippling taxes, or my right to fight and die in a senseless war over Middle Eastern Oil... Recently, however, I've heard a tremendous amount about how Gay marriage would undermine the institution of matrimony, the family, baseball, the American Way, and oh, I don't know, the Time/Space Continuum as well...

I have a tip for the Conservative Right; If you really want to discourage Gays from getting married, make it as easy for them as possible! Think about it... after they experience the "joys" of married life for a while, they'll be back to "living in sin" in no time. Consider... (feel free to replace "her" with "his" where it's appropriate for you)

Thanksgiving with her family, Christmas with yours, putting your name on 6 different gift registries, picking a china pattern, making sure the caterer can feed your cousin the wheat gluten allergic vegan, making the minister adjust the ceremony so as to not offend her Catholic mother, rain/sleet/snow on your special day, getting sick on Mezcal during your honeymoon cruise to Puerto Vallarta, returning the duplicate gifts from people who didn't even look at the registries, her brother leaving his partner and crashing on your couch for 3 months, car payments, rent, joint tax returns, moving her 12 box comic book collection to three different appartments during grad school, searching for jobs in the same city, searching for a house near said jobs, begging for a loan, mowing, raking, painting, sealing, finding her delicates soaking in the bathroom sink, getting pregnant (regardless of the method, it's a pain in the ass), Lamaze classes, La Leche brochures, arguing over wallpaper for the nursery, watching your figure stretch in ways it will never recover from, trying to be nice to her fucking skinny friends from college at the shower, medical bills, explaining to her grandmother why the baby is named after your grandmother, losing your identity in parenting, watching your single friends succeed in jobs you could've had, becoming really bored with sex, feeling bad about fooling around, catching her fooling around also, screaming arguments, legal fees, divorce, alimony, child support, joint custody, visitations, Thanksgiving with the kids, Christmas without them 'cuz it's not your turn, and best of all, waiting a few years and then trying to find someone daft enough to try all of this with you again...

You see, the real reason the Right opposes Gay marriage is that they are afraid the Queers will be better at it than they are - and let's face it, it's not that hard to top the straights on this score. They are afraid that Gay couples might just get married and stay that way. The Gay marriage movement should use the slogan "We can do better than 50% - can you?"

Love is rare enough in this world - be happy wherever you find it, and let everyone else do the same.


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