La Influenza Porcina

Are you coughing? Do you have a fever? Have you been to Mexico lately? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you could soon be receiving a visit from the CDC, Homeland Security, the FBI, the Men in Black, and any other enforcement agency conservative fear-mongers like Minnesota Representative Michelle Bachmann can mobilize. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, swine flu is in your base, killin' your mens!

Now, before we all strap on our bio-hazard suits and fill our garden sprayers with Tamiflu, let's get some facts straight about this "deadly killer" - now officially designated the H1N1 Flu, because calling it "swine flu" somehow offends Muslims and Jews, and upsets the sprawling pork lobby. According to the World Health Organization, there have been, to date, 365 lab-confirmed cases of the Piggy Sniffles. Because many of them originated in Mexico, several right-wing nut-jobs have made suggestions for keeping America safe. Some actually want the TSA to take the temperature of every person entering the US from Mexico. Some went even further, calling for the complete closure of our southern border, saying that immigrants were a threat to the health of America - despite the fact that most of the confirmed cases in America were caused by rich white students returning from vacations in Mexico.

Compared to the estimated 20,000 to 30,000 deaths per year from your regular garden-variety influenza, the swine flu is positively cuddly. It responds quite well to drugs like Tamiflu and Relenza, and it's not particularly contagious, as flus go. Basically, you have to lick the tonsils of a pig-handler to get it. Now, I don't want to say your kink is wrong - if you're into pig handlers, just keep some Purell on the bedside table, and clean up when you're done. In fact, if people spent half as much time trying to avoid venereal diseases as they have dancing around this non-event, the world would be a much healthier place in general.

I realize that saying this is going to make me look like a huge jackass if I actually manage to catch this thing, but with some common-sense precautions, the odds of that are longer than the odds of meeting a straight guy at a Cher concert. The point here is that we should focus on real threats to our nation - like the fact that Michelle Bachmann actually got elected. Perhaps the people we should be screening for illness are the registered voters of Minnesota...


brew said...

Two “probable cases” of swine flu infection in Virginia were announced Friday by the state’s health commissioner, Karen Remley.
The video from the scene:
swine flu infection-news!!!

Teh Dr. said...

I have an interesting question for you to pose on your blog. Would you kill something and eat it if you were trapped in the woods?

His Sinfulness said...

Doktor Smith,

I'll add that to the posts that I have brewing - as soon as finals are over.

Raksha said...

As you know, we live way the hell out in the middle of Why-Would-Anyone-Want-To-Go-There, so we're not exposed to very many people. However, through an unfortunate series of events, my step dad has had two dentist appointments, my mom has had four denturist appointments and a doctor appointment, my grandmother has had two doctor appointments, and Evey has had one vet appointment, all within the last two weeks. FUUUUUCCCKKK.

Anyway, my mom is such a germaphobe and convinced that the piggy sniffles will kill my grandmother, every time one of us returns from one of these medical adventures, my mom insists that person takes a shower at once. From what I understand, it's actually my sorry ass they should be worrying about, since as a vegetarian, I have the best immune system of anyone in the house.

But no one loves me, I guess I'll go eat dirt.

In other news, I've finally gotten around to watching some Second Doctor episodes of Doctor Who and they're awesome! Jamie is so in love with me it's not even funny. ;)

Big Gay Jim said...

For the record, I have confirmed sightings of straight men at all 3 Cher concerts I've attended. Okay, I admit they appeared to be grumpy, hen-pecked husbands who were dragged along by their aging wives, but I digress. I, too, am sick of the Piggy Panic sweeping the country.

Since allergy season in Laramie is in full swing and a late-semester flu is making the rounds, I've heard nothing else of late. My theory is that folks are tired of panicking about the economy, nukes in Iran or North Korea, and that oddly dark-skinned man in the Used-to-be-White House. This is offering a nice little diversion for those who were worried they didn't have enough to worry about.

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