Wisdom, Black Vatican Style

(Thanks to all who contributed!)

Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.

Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. He'll come in handy when you run out of food.

Never look a homeless man in the mouth.

Do unto others before they do unto you.

When in doubt, use the smell test.

One good turn gets all the covers.

Trust in Allah, but hire more airport screeners.

Anything truly worth doing, is worth doing for money.

You can jump off that bridge when you come to it.

Honesty is the best policy, where there's money in it.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving isn’t for you.

Absolute power corrupts absolutely. It rocks absolutely, too.

He who hesitates is lost... or possibly stapled to the floor.

Measure twice, cut once... because multiple circumcisions are really painful.

The best things in life are free - and you get what you pay for.

You can lead a whore to culture but you can’t make her think.

That which doesn’t kill me, better be able to run pretty damn fast.

Ladies, looking for a good man is like looking for a needle in a gay stack.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off until next Thursday.

The bigger they are, the harder, faster, and more often they will hit you.

We must believe in luck. How else can we explain the successes of those we don't like?

Be cautious in showing your true self to others.. at least until after the plastic surgery.

There's more ways to skin a cat than stickin' its head in a bootjack and pulling on its tail.

In the country of the blind, the one-eyed man is king... and the one-eyed man with the high heels and the feather boa is queen.

And always remember, it's better to be quotable than to be honest.