Recently I spoke with my sister, the mother of the ludicrously cute Dark Niece. Her sailor suit was made by said mother for the 4th of July. 
After the obligatory discussion of how she is pulling up now, and has some teeth coming in, we eventually touched on the topic of ridiculous baby products. My sister has done her research, and she introduced me to products that are a true tribute to the innovative mercantile spirit of the U.S. Here are some of my favorites;
For our first bit of idiocy, we have the Wipe Warmer Heated Diaper Wipe Dispenser. I'm sure we'll all rest easier knowing that infants are no longer inconvenienced by chilly diaper wipes. (When I was a kid I think they just rubbed our butts down with sandpaper and chilled lemon juice...)
Remember getting your finger stuck in the hinge of a closet door? Remember how it hurt so much that you only did that once? Well the children of today need never learn that lesson with the Door Finger Guard. It basically prevents the door from closing on their fingers, rather than teaching them to keep their damn fingers to themselves. Gosh, I just can't wait until this generation grows up...
Here's another trip down memory lane... remember when you were little and you thought that unrolling all the toilet paper on to the floor was cool? Remember how your mom spanked you for it and you stopped doing it? With the TP Saver Toilet Paper Lock, today's toddlers can forget about learning to respect the boundaries set by their parents, and focus instead on more important things like developing the manual dexterity to get this thing open. Studies show that installing toilet paper locks in your bathrooms will improve your child's ability to open childproof medicine bottles as well - what a time saver!
This one is my favorite. If you've been to the home of a toddler recently, you have probably seen the rubber bumpers that parents can now get to go around the edges of tables and other furniture. It's supposed to keep the kid from cracking his head open while learning to walk. Some poor mom got tired of trying to pad every corner in the world, so she decided to pad the kid instead...
The Bumper Bonnet is an inflatable helmet that fits children from 6-36 months. With this handy product, your child can get a headstart on being the object of other childrens' ridicule at every playdate.
Seriously folks - the skull of a toddler is made to withstand the occasional bonk. I have serious doubts about the efficacy of this product anyway - when my sister was learning to walk, she tended to face-plant into things... like the coffee table, the tv, the floor (I remember it vividly - I couldn't stop laughing). Her falls were usually halted by her chin. As you can see, this air bladder dork helmet just wouldn't have helped, but it would have been an excellent target for teasing. It's hard to fit in with the other kids when your mom dresses you like a Q-tip. Actually, like a Q-tip with blue duckies on it...
I Believe the Children are the Future...
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5 comments:
I can just see the other kids at daycare saying, "You get 5 points if you can bean the retard with a block..."
I don’t want to get off on a rant here but… fucking hell America… We. Are. Doomed.
God forbid that you teach your kids common sense. “Know your surroundings”, or “Fire and stove tops are hot,” or my personal favorite “Don’t put shit in the electrical socket or your little stupid ass is going to be a shakin’ like a palsy victim. Seriously, common sense or the lack there of, is going to send this world down the shitter! However, there is an upside to this. Let the morons raise their kids the “new fashioned way” and then when the poster children for the “Nation in a bubble” grow up, those of sterner stuff, as Optimus Prime once said, will rule the world. As far as I am concerned, we should be advocating the use of such fine products as the wood burning kit(with 5 inch chord), 12 pound lawn darts, and more importantly imaginary friends and freedom for a child during the summer. Let them bump their head a time or two, scrape their knees, get a scar or three and then when they grow up they might… just might… be able to deal with the cadre of idiots and simpletons that the youth of today are destine to be. The children are our future… Help us Jesus, Help us Jewish God, Help us Tom Cruise!!!!
I must add that I know about these products, but we do not own any of them! We've only installed what we consider to be the basics of child safety: gates at the tops and bottom of the stairs, a few cabinet locks and outlet covers. Once the Dark Niece is a little older, we will put covers on the stove knobs. Only because we have a gas stove and I don't want her to reach up, turn on the gas and kill us all with the fumes. His sinfulness has no doubt recounted to you all how I gave myself an electro-shock treatment by sticking our mother's car and house keys into an outlet when I was about 2. I agree that "protecting" our kids from playing with toilet paper or pinching their fingers in a door is going to produce a generation of kids who will not only be idiots because they never learned common sense or cause and effect, they will also have no problem solving or coping skills. His sinfulness forgot to metion the height of childproofing stupidity-- the toilet lock. It keeps the kid from opening the toilet, falling in and drowning. I think this product might just be slowing down evolution.
Optimus Prime rules.
It looks less like a bonnet and more like she just stuck a diaper on her child's noggin.
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