Sunday Sermon

As Kim Jong Il here would say, "Why is everybody so fucking stupid?"*

The following are examples I have encountered in this past week (if you see yourself in this list, hang your head):

Ladies - if your man has an addiction - alcohol, drugs, gambling, porn, Halo, WoW, etc. - your love will NOT change him.

Right-wingers - President Obama promised change - he did NOT promise to pull a genie out of his ass and wish the economy back to health. Your guy had the last 8 years - in fact, your guys have had 20 of the last 28 years - to fuck us to the wall. It might take more than a few weeks to get things sorted.

Wyoming legislators - a constitutional amendment will not stop queers from falling in love, forming marriages, raising children, and yes, SODOMIZING each other in Wyoming. It will, however, give notice to the rest of the U.S. that we are, in fact, the fag-bashing homophobes they think we are. Nice job, you prejudiced lackwits.

Kellogg's - no one cares that Michael Phelps took a bong hit. Most Americans don't care if he's huffing unicorn farts as long as he keeps bringing home gold medals. I guarantee that in 2012 when he's winning another metric fuckton of gold at the London games, you won't care either, you hypocritical asshats.

Rod Blagojevich - Even if you are innocent, the more you appear on television, the more you (and your amazing hair-don't) convince everyone that you're a complete crazy fuck. Shut the hell up until your trial, and let your lawyers do their thing. By the way, Johnnie Cochran is not available...

Pope Benedict - Let me clarify this for you, and Bishop Richard Williamson, and Mel Gibson, and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and all you other ridonkulous assclowns - THE HOLOCAUST WAS REAL. For fuck's sake, go to Auschwitz and look around, you ignorant douche-nozzles. Also? Vatican II was real as well; some of you fucksticks were there. The Latin mass is dead... let it go.

Benedict - I'm not done with you; get back here. Vegetating in a coma for 17 years is NOT god's will. Tell your buttboy, Silvio Berlusconi, to let that poor woman die. And stay out of Italy's politics - you have your own country to run, you greedy nazi inquisitor sith lord bastard.

Baseball fans - if you pay people with (less than) high school educations millions of dollars to play a kid's game, they will do whatever it takes to stay in that game. This includes steroids, corked bats, vaseline on the hat brim, scuffing the ball, and any number of other unsavory, unsporting behaviors. Seriously, do the math - for the money that A-Rod, made, most people would freebase a kitten. (Many of you would gladly hit the kitty pipe for less than they paid A-Rod for one fucking game.) Baseball players do drugs - performance enhancing and other types as well. Now get over it, and pass that bong to Phelps.

Peanut Corp. of America - According to my spiritual advisor, Shepherd Book, there is a special hell for child molesters, and people who talk at the theatre.** Under that special hell, there is a dank little cell for greedy cockmongrels who knowingly sell salmonella-contaminated peanut products for school lunches. You will be there, playing "balls on chin" with those milk-adulterating fuckers from China for eternity.

I could go on, but you get the idea. The world is full of fuckwits, and I think we should all take note of them, and then shun, ridicule, and verbally mushroom print them accordingly.

Repent, and sin no more.

* If you haven't seen Team America - why the hell not? Rent it.
** If you don't know who Shepherd Book is, go buy - not rent, BUY - Firefly.


Unknown said...

Here here! Especially to the Wyoming legislators and Pope Benedict rant.
Also, Firefly was one of the best shows that ever existed.

Unknown said...

Yea rants! Yea!
I'm too sick to get really pissy, so thanks for taking that burden off my shoulders :-)

Professor Noob said...

You know, I'm not entirely sure if I'm the only one who's about to go "sproing"...Of course, this probably counts as a preventative measure. You might be onto something.

Linus said...

No worries - I'm not about to snap.
I have my ire under control now... no more 4 state killing sprees for me. (You wouldn't believe how hard it is to get brain matter out of a cassock...).

becca said...

Glad to see the return of the sunday sermon and the wrath of the black pontiff!

stupid fuckwits- on notice!

Preach on Brother!

Mayren said...

omg this was awesome! Thank you HSBP!

+333333333.9 points for the Shepard Book reference.


Raksha said...

"Balls on chin?" I had an ex-boyfriend who liked to play that, in spite of my overactive gag reflex. Gods, what an asshole.

Now I have that obnoxious song "I Hope You Die" running through my head on repeat. Manx.

I'm so ronery....

Linus said...


You're melcome. It's your fault that I know of that song in the first place... ;)

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