Kitten Paste

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As many of you know, I work in the Financial Aid office of a large university. This is the time of year when all the asshats who didn't plan ahead, didn't submit applications, and have no idea where financial aid funds come from, start calling my office. More specifially, they start calling me. To keep me from reaching through the phone and pulling your kidney out through your ear hole, here are some handy tips...

DO NOT call me and bitch about how scholarship selection is unfair to kids who "aren't good test takers." Guess what? College is ABOUT taking tests. If little Johnny couldn't scrape together a decent ACT score during his entire high school career, your dreams of him being a doctor are on shaky ground.

DO NOT call me and bitch about how your kid can get more money or a better deal at another school. If Fucktard U wants your kid on their croquet team badly enough to give him a full ride with hot and cold running cheerleaders, then FUCKING SEND HIM THERE!

DO NOT call and ask me a question, then call back and ask someone else to see if you can get an answer you like better. We talk to each other, you know... especially about idiots like you.

If you are a returning student, DO NOT CALL ME WITHOUT YOUR FUCKING ID NUMBER! You know you need it for everything in this damn place - you might as well tattoo it on your fucking hand - so why would Financial Aid be different? And if your name is Smith, Jones, Johnson, or the like, then calling without your ID# should be grounds for live porcupine sodomy followed by explosive expulsion from the institution.

DO NOT call me and ask about information that you can see for yourself on the internet. "I was looking on the web and my scholarship was canceled - is it really canceled?" When I get these calls, my head pounds until I want to grind kittens into a fine paste and wear it as deodorant. Why would you make me do that to the helpless little kittens?! Don't you like kittens?! Kitten hater!!

DO NOT call me in order to be transferred to another office. From hence forward, anyone who calls me and then immediately asks for Residence Life or the bookstore will be put on hold while I forward your address to homeland security on the terrorist tip line. "Oh yes, officer - you must search him thoroughly, as he is frequently armed. He keeps the bombs under his foreskin..."

11 comments:

WNG said...

I used to have a roommate who worked in admissions, you guys should form a support group! She actually had a 'fuckwad' pile of applications (you weren't getting in- and you weren't going to find out until the last possible minute b/c you had REALLY pissed her off)

Big Gay Jim said...

Oh good...it's not just me. "Something's different about the computer." Yes, Suzy, unlike you we didn't spend the last 3 months sponging off our parents and watching cartoon reruns. We rebuilt the labs, just like EVERY summer. You're a senior now...figure it out. "I can't remember my password?" I guess it wasn't a good choice then, was it Skippy? If you 1) don't log in to check your email or 2) can't remember it for 3 months, you don't deserve the internets. I feel your pain, buddy. Let's drink through the pain? ;)

Flynn said...

I worked in Financial Aid once. I didn't have to deal with people directly, DBA and all, but the stupid that oozed from some of the kids here drove me nuts by proxy.

It's really mind blowing. Granted this year I am no shining example, but frankly, I would be if the University hadn't tried to short me like a semester of credits. Yeah, that can effect the aid/registration process some...

He's right, students are stupid. You're at an institution of higher learning, show some fucking intelligence. Mommy and Daddy aren't here to hold your hand, and frankly, if they are, they are probably being pompous fucktards and making it worse... Grow the fuck up and deal with life!

[cough]I mean... I like kittens...

becca said...

Unfourtunately people are not just fucktards at universities. They are also fucktards at restuarants and movie theaters and basically everywhere else that they go.

"How much is the Fettechini Alfredo?" Look in your fucking menu that is sitting directly in front of you!

"Do you have bathrooms here?" (as he stand directly underneath the restroom sign). No, we expect you to pee in a cup during the movie! (believe me, that's happened too.)

I think sometimes that I want to be a hermit and never talk to anyone again so that I will never have to talk to someone stupid. . . but I know that's not realistic, so I work in education to try to prevent stupid people. If I can teach them some life skills before they get to you, I may save some kittens!

Teh Dr. said...

If I had a foreskin I'd hide bombs there!

Big Gay Jim said...

Pushy parents deserve their own special hell. I hate when I ask Junior a (series of) question(s) and Mommy and/or Daddy answer, despite my direct eye contact with Junior. I always want to say "With all due respect, if Junior here can't speak for himself or handle getting an email account without your help, he's going to die within a week. He will starve. He will not remember to feed himself. He will not know how to dial the phone and have something delivered. He will see Subway across the street from his dorm, but will not know how to get there because his room is 'up high.' Now shut up and let him start acting like a college student."

Benjamin said...

Oh my. I laughed so hard that superglue may be required to piece back together the desk.

Mandy said...

*grins* I think I remember hearing Jim give that speech.

ZEUS said...

OMG! I even witnessed this level of delusion in law school and during the bar exam. Our society is doomed by these zombie Hilton\Lohan wanna-bes.

Anonymous said...

Um, wow. SOOOOO glad I have my scholarship stuff done already...I think.

Becky

His Sinfulness said...

Becky,
I will handle you personally...

YOURS!!! I meant to say, "I will handle YOURS personally."

;)

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