Serious Foreplay

From the American Federation Of Aviculture's "Fundamental's of Aviculture" text:

"In some species of Indian parakeets there are elaborate dances where the male may hop up and down and dilate his eyes while approaching the female. If he is successful, his dance will mesmerize the female and she will allow him to mate with her. If his dance fails, she may fly away from him, attack him, or in rare cases, she may even kill him."

So basically, among these parakeets, foreplay is a very serious thing. If a guy doesn't have good moves, then he might not get any, and in fact, he might be killed. In essence, it's survival of the sexiest.

This got me to thinking about our reproductive habits. What if survival of the sexiest was the policy of human females? What if you could just kill a guy who kissed poorly, or touched you the wrong way? Based on what my female friends tell me about the guys they have known, there would be a lot of dead men. To hear some of them tell it, the streets would literally be lined with corpses.

Ladies, you are not immune, by the way. I could tell you horror stories that prove that it's not just men who haven't a clue when the lights go out - stories involving knife wielding in bed, doodling with menstrual blood, and orthodontic appliances caught in pubic hair - but that's another post. Several posts actually, and many therapy sessions, but I digress.

I submit that while killing someone for being bad in bed might be a bit extreme, you are well within your rights to put a stop to it. If the sex isn't good, why let it continue? Granted, anyone can have an off day, but after a few botched attempts, it's probably time to trade partners.

If you wish to adopt the survival of the sexiest policy, I think it's only fair to warn potential partners what they're getting into. A tee-shirt that reads, "I fuck like a parakeet" should be sufficient.

I'm calling Cafe Press right now...

10 comments:

Mayren said...

you scare me with that whole Digression of yours....
*runs away and hides*

Nerdygirl said...

I'd wear one.

Anonymous said...

Is it bad that I started scribbling a hit list while reading your post? Damned, damned tempting...hell hath no fury like a pawed-on woman.

Becky

WNG said...

It's bad enough that I'm not getting free panties to nail on my headboard, but now I have to buy a t shirt?!?!?
And I have to go looking for Mayre, I think she's hiding in a corner clutching a teddy bear and muttering about menstruation...

His Sinfulness said...

Let me just say - such good input is rare on a blog - I do love the ladies of my Flock!

Mayren,

And you're just hearing it - imagine the horror for we who lived it!

Becky,

I promise not to paw... ;)

WNG,

You in parakeet t-shirt and BV thong - that visual is stuck in my head now...

Mandy said...

So. ummmmm....

huh.

Teh Dr. said...

I think most of the birds I've been with must have been drinking from polluted streams as chicks because...well lets just say it would have taken on-star on steroids to help them navigate.

Anonymous said...

You know what the problem is? Lack of sex education. Everyone's whining about sex ed teaching too much about (gasp!) SEX when, apparently, the only thing those classes should discuss is how to wait until you marry some asshole out of hormonal desperation. Screw that. What we need is sex education that's REALLY about sex -complete with "navigation" tips. I think this would actually cut down on promiscuity. Think about it - if you've already got the skillz, you don't need to find so many practice partners, do you? And oh, the awkward moments it would save...

Becky

His Sinfulness said...

I think you might be on to something there, Becky. Perhaps I should organize a seminar...

Big Gay Jim said...

I still can't wait to sign up for the lab section. ;)

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