Unlubricated, please...

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Normally, these IM conversations are pretty self-explanatory, but I have added some colored text so that you can more easily identify the many faces of His Sinfulness...
HSBP: Wanna' move in? Seems we have a room going spare...
NGtUB: [snork] Don't tempt me.
HSBP: MUCH cheaper than your town...
NGtUB: yeah, but the volunteer opportunities are better here
HSBP: We need volunteers! I'm practically an NGO on my own!
NGtUB: Have you filed for non-profit status yet?
HSBP: Not yet, but my taxes and bank records should make it easy to prove...
NGtUB: We'll need a mission statement over 300 words.
HSBP: Um... there's like 4 years worth of blog...
NGtUB: Yes, but not all of that is relevant to the Ministry. We'll need something concise but detailed, organized but flexible, that really captured our objectives...
HSBP: All of it is relevant to me... and the Ministry is me...
NGtUB: True, but if we're going to form a non-profit it has to be detached from a sole entity.
HSBP: Detached? So confused... who am I? Where does the Pope end and Linus begin? Where does Linus end and Darth Furious begin? Where does this whining end and some hot BCP loving begin?
NGtUB: Who's whining? Linus? Or Darth?
HSBP: ...
NGtUB: Just don't start doing cocaine and we'll be all fiiiine.
HSBP: Yeah, 'bout that... it's not actually coke... Darth Furious gets this dust from Dagoba...
NGtUB: Dude, I don't care what Darth tells you--it's baking soda.
HSBP: It's some good baking soda, man... and I like that "clean refrigerator" smell you get afterwards...
NGtUB: [sigh] You know snorting baking soda makes the subpersonalities come forth more strongly.
HSBP: HEY! I AM NOT A SUBPERSONALITY!
NGtUB: which one of you is saying that?
HSBP: ... not sure.
NGtUB: For the good of the Ministry, I'm going to have ask you to stop snorting, Sir.
HSBP: I decide what's good for the Ministry! I'm the DECIDER around here!
(oh shit - the Republican personality is lose!)
NGtUB: [sigh] fuck. [calm voice] Sir, I'm going to need you to be strong. Remember strong? Before the white powder strong?
HSBP: You mean, strong like a temporary surge?
NGtUB: No, I mean strong like oak.
HSBP: How is that possibilistic? I have some oaks on the ranch down in Texas...
NGtUB: GODDAMNIT SOMEONE SHUT UP THE REPUBLICAN BEFORE I DO IT WITH MY FISTS! [pantpantpant] I DON'T CARE WHO.
I mean really Darth, aren't you a bit miffed that the Republican has taken charge?
HSBP: The Democrats don't want us to win, you see. That's the problem - it's not IEDs or Al Kay-duh, it's the Democrats... You see - they hate freedom.
NGtUB: Come on Darth, someone's going to mistake the Republican for you--you do share the same body after all...
HSBP: So far, I like him... his mind is easily molded, like... earwax.
NGtUB: I heard the Republican was trying to seduce the BCPs and doing it in your name...he's tarnishing your good works...
HSBP: That's just silly - you know I am loyal to my wife, Laura…
NGtUB: One of the brunettes said, "Darth loses the touch when he slips into the Southern accent."
HSBP: I can crush him whenever I wish. For now, he suits my needs...
NGtUB: [sigh]
HSBP: yes... this anger will serve me well...
NGtUB: And what are your needs, m'Lord? Might we serve them some other way? Some way that I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO HIM?
HSBP: Needs? I need to rule the galaxy. I need to wipe out the senate and the Jedi Order. I need a latte. With a straw, because of my mask. I need condoms. HUGE condoms...
NGtUB: Latte w/ straw and soy milk--check.
Did you run out of condoms AGAIN?
[sigh] I might as well double the monthly order.
Maybe I should double the monthly order, and then make it a biweekly order... That might work.
HSBP: or, possibly, we should buy me some actual balloons for my balloon animal practice...
NGtUB: WHAT?!?
HSBP: It's my new hobby. You told me I needed one
NGtUB: You have been using Ministry Approved Condoms for BALLOON ANIMAL PRACTICE?!?
...
[sigh]
I did tell you to get a hobby...
HSBP: I couldn't get the giraffe... the neck is hard.
NGtUB: Sir? Can I make a small petition?
HSBP: Always, Number One...
NGtUB: My job is to make your life easier and keep the Ministry running smoothly. To that end, should you need something, I would gladly attempt to make it so.
I can't do my job if you don't tell me when you need something.
Like, for example, [sigh] balloons for you balloon animal hobby.
HSBP: So... what, specifically is your petition?
NGtUB: TELL ME WHEN YOU NEED SOMETHING.
HSBP: [using rubber stamps] petition received, noted, and... denied.
NGtUB: ... On what grounds, Sir?
HSBP: Entertainment. It's funny the way that vein in your head pops out...
NGtUB: ...
HSBP: Yeah - like that! That's HIGH-larious.
NGtUB: ...I'm going to go...lay down for a minute
HSBP: Certainly. You know what they say - "napping is next to godliness."
NGtUB: "They" don't say that. NOBODY SAYS THAT!
HSBP: Hee. There it is again!

4 comments:

Big Gay Jim said...

Priceless. And Nerdy....His Unholiness certainly needs more condoms. The Rainbow Kingdom has plans... ;)

Mayren said...

everybody lock the kids up. Jim is going to educate now...

*giggle*

karma lennon said...

I used to make awesome giraffe balloon animals.

Modig_Bjorn said...

HSBP needs an adult...quick.

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