Midweek Pseudo-Sermon



Contrary what you might have heard, I did NOT try to kill Flynn. I also did NOT try to kill Big Gay Jim.

You see, enclosed court sports are dangerous. In handball, the ball is a 2.3 oz. sphere of dense rubber, 1 7/8" in diameter - pretty much the perfect size to lodge in your eye socket. The pros get it to move at upwards of 65mph, but I would guess that even hacks like us can hit a ball at 50+. Racquetballs are significantly lighter and less dense, but they also tend to travel at much higher speeds - some pros can generate triple digit velocities. Put two to four adults in a 20x20x40 room and then hit these objects around as hard as you can, and the hurting will ensue.

Each of us who play handball or racquetball routinely get hit with the ball, and ocassionally with racquets as well. Naturally, some hits are more spectacular than others...

There was the time that I hit Jim in the tit with a hard forehand drive; left a racquetball shapped mark for a week. He was just thankful that it missed his still-healing nipple piercings...

Then there was the time I caught Flynn with an underhand return of serve; pratically blinded him. It didn't help that the serve was dropping from the ceiling and I hit it really hard off the heel of my hand - from about 4 feet away. To his credit he got up and finished the set. Of course, he didn't hit a damn thing for the rest of the day - apparently being one-eyed really screws up your depth perception - but he demonstrated some real toughness there.

The day before yesterday I hit Jim with an almost identical shot, in the nose. Based on the slappy/crunchy sound it made, we were both pretty surprised that his nose was still attached, much less unbroken. He was ok, but it definitely scared both of us for a second.

Although the details are fuzzy, I recall Ben taking one in the throat while playing racquetball. I can't remember who hit it, but it was a strong forehand. Pretty alarming at the time, but he recovered fully.

As for throat hits, the one that Flynn took off the back wall has to be the worst I've seen. Especially since he hit it himself. A hard underhand at the back wall from about three feet - from the racquet to the wall to his own throat, almost instantaneously.

There was also the day when Gina hit me about 6 times in one set of racquetball. None of them were particularly hard hits, but I wanted to give her an honorable mention for persistence.

My most recent hit was during morning racquetball last week. I caught the follow-through of one of Ben's backhands just over my left eye. I'll admit, racquet hits are a little more scary. I thought for a second that I might be cut and bleeding from it, but it was just really stingy. Thank the gods I was wearing eye protection. Which brings us to our preachy bit for the day.

GET SOME GOGGLES PEOPLE!

Only Brendon and I have been wearing them consistently (and I confess, Brendon was first to adopt them - I was convinced by his cool blue shades...). It is only a matter of time before this happens to one of us...


(Racquetball to the eye - broken orbital bones; can't look up)

This little photo gem came from the iMask site. The iMask is a face shield designed for racquet sports - more protective than simple goggles. Jim's nose, for instance, would have been spared, had he been wearing one. I decided to use this pic because it was the least disgusting one there. Click on their "Gallery of Horrors" link cautiously...

Go in Peace (to the sporting goods store!)

9 comments:

Sirus Kane said...

There can be a lighter side to our shinanigans however. Flynn, served a shot right to the "sweet spot" for any raquetball player... low forehand on the right hand side. I returned said shot, intending it to go rocketing toward the wall and back in such a way that Flynn would have to dive for it. Instead what I got was the ball rocketing into Flynn's left side.

You would have had to be there to understand how funny this really was, but the sound that came from his mouth left me and HSBP in stitches for the better part of 5 minutes. For a reference, I would call to memory the imfamous Howard Dean shout that ended his Presidential hopes, which can be found at the link below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D5FzCeV0ZFc

Big Gay Jim said...

DO NOT go to the Chamber of Horrors site. Don't do it cautiously, or with serious trepidation. Do not do it with a fox, do not do it in a box! It will scar you for all time. I must go call my therapist now...

Flynn said...

Sports are hard...

His Sinfulness said...

Thank you Ben - I forgot about Flynn's "Howard Dean scream". That was funny. Fucking funny, in fact...

Squid said...

So basically, I'm not allowed to play...sadness...knowing me I'd flail into a wall on my own volition, or worse yet it someone else.

Squid said...

so I for got the 'n' and the 'o' on the 'into'... "worse into someone else."

Caitie said...

Wow...now I'm scared to come and play with you guys! I mean, bruises are great and all, but broken orbital bones=sad Caitie. Maybe I should wear my fencing gear if ever I get up the courage to come and play. Well, the breast protectors and the facemask, anyway.

Modig_Bjorn said...

I know that an injury is coming my way. I just know it. Until then, I will have no fear and proceed with the smacking of balls.

Oh, and yes, it is true, I look damn cool in my blue goggles. I'm talking Fonzy cool.

His Sinfulness said...

"...Fonzy cool."


Damn dude.

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