BBBC Day 4

Today's suggested topic is age...

1) Do you lie about your age?

For many years I have consistently claimed to be 108 years old. That, of course, is hyperbole - I only feel like I'm 108 when I get up in the morning. Actually, sometimes I smell like I'm 108 when I get home from the gym. At any rate, I am remarkably well preserved for a man of my age. I do have a weekly skin care regimen that helps with the crow's feet, but I've been lax about it lately; it's so expensive to fill the tub with the rendered fat of unchristened babies.

2) Do you think you act your age?

If you mean, "do you frequently talk about your prostate health and worry about getting enough fiber?" then no, I don't. I do, however, occasionally complain that all the younguns should stay off my lawn - "if that goddamn frisbee comes over the fence one more time, I'm keeping it!" I have also been known to disparagingly compare the young men of today to the young men of my generation - "at least we were smart enough to know that you don't call women bitches and hoes to their faces!"

By the by, my prostate is fine - thanks for your concern. I was at the urologist less than a month ago and he gave me the full San Francisco Handshake, complete with a How's Your Uncle and he said I was in perfect health. That man has very large fingers.

3) Are you where you thought you'd be at your current age?

Oh hell no. In kindergarten (in 1970) I was told there would be flying cars and vacation homes on the moon by now. I expected to play pro football and then serve as an astronaut for a few years, before settling down to my real career as a novelist. I was encouraged in these expectations by many of the adults around me, so the reality has turned out to be very disappointing. Stupid Montessori teachers, telling me I could be whatever I wanted to be.

Just like everyone else, I am where I am due to a combination of my own choices, luck, happenstance, class, race, gender, and the socioeconomic status with which I started out. Anyone who tells you that they know the equation that adds all of those factors and arrives at the destination you wish for is either a liar, or selling something. Or both, like high school guidance counselors...

More BBBC tomorrow.