Heavy Lifting

Well children, another fine upstanding Christian leader has fallen prey to the temptations of the flesh – in this case, the flesh of an attractive young rentboy named Lucien (his real name is Jo-vanni Roman – when your given name is Jo-vanni Roman do you even need a gay stage name?). I’m sure you’ve all heard by now how young Lucien was hired by Baptist minister George Alan Rekers to accompany him on a 10-day trip to Europe. You see, Dr. Rekers has recently had surgery, so he hired Lucien to lift his sack – I mean carry his bags – around Europe.

Initially, both Rekers and Lucien claimed they hadn’t had sex on the trip, but after finding out that Rekers co-founded the Family Research Council with his BFF and fellow homophobe, James Dobson, and that he is a professional purveyor of misinformation about gay youths, Lucien decided to come clean. He described Rekers’s favorite sexual activity, known as “the long stroke," which I won’t describe in detail - because I'm a fucking gentleman - sounds more like something you’d sue a priest over, not hire a rentboy for…

Since this story broke, another former rentboy, Carl Shepherd, has come forward to say he, too, gave Rekers something resembling “the long stroke” back in 1992. His story doesn’t include lifting any luggage, but it does conclude with $150 changing hands in a hotel room.

It should come as no surprise that Dr. Rekers is an officer of the National Association for Research & Therapy of Homosexuality - he has publicly declared that he believes homosexuality is a sin and that it’s curable. Ok, so - Physician, heal thyself.

Because he is a Baptist, I give him about 3-5 more days before he makes a tearful confession from the pulpit – it’s sure to be YouTube sensation second only to Jimmy Swaggart. At least Catholics have the decency to make their confessions in a little box. For those of you who aren’t Catholic, it’s dark and comforting in there – you might say it’s kind of like a closet…

Personally, I’d like to thank Dr. Rekers for adding to our ever-growing lexicon of sexual euphemisms, like “hiking the Appalachian trail” and “taking a wide stance.” I could really go for getting my "luggage lifted" tonight, in fact.

6 comments:

Ducky said...

Ok. Maybe this makes me stupid but what is the "long stroke?" I think you're alluding to something oral but that's not the image I'm getting... :b

Teh Dr. said...

I suppose it's hard to be surprised by the religious anymore.

His Sinfulness said...

The "long stroke" is not an oral activity - it is basically a massage/hand job technique that allowed Rekers to get his jollies without actually admitting that he's gay. Here's how it was described - "Rekers allegedly named his favorite maneuver the "the long stroke" — a complicated caress "across his penis, thigh... and his anus over the butt cheeks," as Lucien puts it."

His Sinfulness said...

Herr Doktor,

You are so right. They all seem to be a engaged in a contest to see who can be the most ridiculous.

Mayren said...

skeezy bad people who happen to be Baptists go to a special hell. At least i hope so... i was raised Baptist and i know a BUNCH of them who should be in line waiting their turn.

His Sinfulness said...

Mayren,

My grandmother was a Baptist, and I was dragged to her church whenever my mom was out of town. It was obvious to me as a 9 year-old that they were mostly full of crap. I wondered, could so many people all agree to play the same silly game every Sunday? It was the seed of my fascination with religion...

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