The Pope is Out Right Now...

"You can never be too broken."

One of my former profs said that. His specialty is poetry, and he's in favor of a life on the emotional edge, to be close to the feelings that inform the greatest verse. I am inclined to agree with him... most of the time.

I think of it as a state of willingness. It's being willing to keep your shields low, willing to stay open to others, to reach out and to stay awake to others. It's knowing that you will get stomped on emotionally from time to time, but believing that the effort is important enough to risk that. The broken moments are outweighed by the moments when you see your attempts to connect making some kind of difference, making the world a less cold place.

Sometimes, however, you just take too many unanswered blows. As of Monday afternoon, I am officially tired of reaching into the piranha tank without a fucking glove. A string of events beginning a few months ago has finally made me raise my shield and close my visor.

In simple terms, I need time to regroup. I have no energy to advise, foster, prop up, shelter, coddle, succor, sympathize, or handle anyone else right now. I guess you could say that I'm emotionally away from my desk. Leave a voice mail, and my compassion will get back to you as soon as it returns. I don't care that this is whiny or indulgent. I don't care that I'll read this later and be horrified with myself. I don't even care that the people who have upset me probably won't read this - and if they do, they are unlikely to realize that it's aimed at them.

The poetry from all this better really kick ass...

13 comments:

Mandy said...

Cocoa and blankies......or lots of alcohol....or maybe some really great sex (or any combo of the three) could help. I have a tendency to go for the first when I want to avoid people, though. Maybe it'll help...at least a little.

Claytonian said...

Scalding hot cocoa and sex is a bad combination, unless you are really hardcore.

Some of us have the opposite of the shield response. "Take my heart will you? Well take this too! And let me tell you about..."

Mayren said...

can't wait to see the verse sweets.
If you need an ear or shoulder let me know. Nothing compares to talking to a person out of state to give you some vent time.
;)

Mischief said...

Just because you are capable of giving greatly of yourself, doesn't mean you have to give ALL the time. It's not horrifying to take time out to take care of yourself- good for you!

WNG said...

SO, I don't THINK that was for me...but if it was I'll send some booby shots right away as atonement... or cookies... or amaretto... well, something will be in the mail soon. In the meantime there are many mental hugs coming your way riiiiiiiight NOW! There - did you get that one?

His Sinfulness said...

Thanks WNG - that hug was a good one. :)

It wasn't meant for you, or any of the regular commenters here... but if I had known that bitching would get me some booby shots, I'd have thrown a hissy a long time ago!

WNG said...

Well, we all do what we can for the Pontiff. Mama G happens to be going through the same sort of thing right now so I'm heading down to Chucktown with some tequila and high heels and dragging her out. Flynn could be my proxy and do the same for you...

His Sinfulness said...

He could, but who wants to see Flynn in high heels? Eeww.

Nerdygirl said...

[raises hand]

I do! I do!

WNG said...

Me too :)

Flynn said...

Tell ya what sweety, I'll trade you pictures of me in in heels... and drag, if you send pictures of yourself in heels... and nothing else...

Mayren said...

That's a challenge! Thrown down WNG!

Mischief said...

Now be fair Flynn, shouldn't that be heels and nothing else for both of you?

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