Call for Essays

I am ill; I have a sore throat and a cough. I have given myself the week off from preaching, so there will be no Sunday Sermon, and I also had to leave my hollowbody at the shop in Fort Collins for some adjustments, so no power chords this weekend either. Good thing I don't have a job or classes to attend (sigh); sad little academic with no tests for which to study...

I know what you're thinking - you're wracking your brain, wondering, "How can I personally ease the Black Pope's suffering?"

In order to make me feel better, each of you should write something brilliant. If you have a blog, post. If not, start one, or write clever and amusing correspondence. While this assignment is purely optional, it will be graded and become a part of your Permanent Record. You may write on any topic, but I'll suggest a few...

"What I learned this semester." (Probably fairly brief, but worth a stab... a haiku will suffice for most of us.)

"An Analysis of Some of the Many Ways Taye Diggs sucks."

"Duck and Cover: How to Survive a Rock Vapor Incident."

"If Wishes Were Horses: Why Jayne Cobb is My Hero."

"Ten Reasons the Doctor Should Dump Rose and Take Me Instead."

"Pet the Kitty: How to NOT be the Worst. Boyfriend. Ever."

"Taming Your Inner Hate." (Maybe I'll write on that one...)

"Primate Circumcision: Does the World Really Need Jewish Monkeys?"

"Do Six Fingers Make it go to Eleven? How Nigel Tufnel Became Count Tyrone Rugen."

"Walker vs. Daywalker: Why Chuck Norris and Blade Should Fight to the Death for My Amusement."

"Gurney Halleck, the Punk Years."

"The Ark of the Covenant: Holy Icon or Tardis Engine?"

""Nice Shoes - Wanna' Fuck?": Favorite Pick-Up Lines and How to Use Them."

You get the picture - now amuse me. Dance monkey, dance!


Raksha said...

"Ten Reasons the Doctor Should Dump Rose and Take Me Instead."
(Since I can't have them both....)

10) Unlike Rose, I won't make him stop off on Earth every 2 weeks so I can get my roots touched up.

9) I'm smaller than Rose, so I can hide in small and unexpected places. This doubles our options when the shit hits the fan (1. Run! 2. Hide)

8) Mickey? Never would have happened. Adam? We'd have had a blast tag-team mocking him.

7) I have smaller teeth. Less chance of injury. (Think about it...think about it....)

6) My wardrobe coordinates with his (with the ninth him, anyway).

5) I make him look like a fantastic dancer by comparison.

4) I managed to say both 'Jagrafess' and 'Raxacoricofallipatorius' on the first try.

3) He'd never have to experience Captain Envy with me, since I automatically distrust men who express sexual interest in me (isn't that right, Your Sinfulness?)

2) I'd never pull a Jenny Sparks in the middle of the Blitz. At the very least, I'd zip my damn jacket up.

1) He wouldn't have had to ask me twice.

Mark Travis said...

"Muad'Dib!.. muad'dib!...
raa... raa... raa..."
there's nothing like those old lyrics to enliven the blood.

those years were the best (sigh)

born again flocker said...

Essay? Amusement? Correspondence? These concepts are new to me - "born again" - it's hard enough without the big flock pushing me back into relapse, although a permanent record sounds nice.

Sara said...

Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?

Hey baby, wanna go halves on a bastard?

Hi, my name is Tony, I like Cheetos, wanna fuck?

I am a magical being, take off your bra.

I'm gonna have sex with you tonight so, you might as well be there.

Clayton said...

I kinda did an essay today...

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