Testing...

It was all very low key, nonthreatening, and new age. Diffused lighting, gentle music, and many salmon colored surfaces... but in the end, it was your standard finger stick.

Total cholesterol = 198
Should be under 200 so I am ok for now, but given my family history, it is likely that it has been rising over the past few years.

HDL cholesterol = 37
This is the "good" cholesterol - should be 40 or more. Can be modified by exercise - and since I have been largely sedentary of late, it shouldn't be too hard to fix.

LDL cholesterol = 112
This "bad" cholesterol is supposed to be under 100. This can be corrected by weight loss.

Triglycerides = 244
This is the real bad news, but it isn't all that severe. It should be under 150, but my score is not outrageous; 500 is considered very high. This is treated with niacin and aspirin.

The doctor told me exactly what I expected to hear - lose weight and exercise more. He was pretty cool actually; no mention of my crack habit or the paranoid delusions that accompany it. I think he's not telling me everything - because they are waiting for me to keel over so they can harvest my organs for the black market! But I'm way ahead of them. I've been slowly preparing my body for years now. When they split me open they will find that my organs are covered in a thick coating of diet coke residue and oreo middles - useless for transplant! Ha! That will show them!!