Pork - the other white meat.
Because your heart can take it.

I love the banner ads that run above my blog. Today, I found this charming reminder of Ireland floating up there...

The plate depicted there is pretty accurate. You've got to love a country where 4 differrent kinds of pork are the norm for breakfast. People say the Irish drink so much because they have always been oppressed, but I'm convinced it's simply an attempt to keep their blood thinned enough to hold arteriosclerosis at bay.

Speaking of health issues... I should have the results of my various physical exams in hand soon. I'm not thrilled about the prospect; as many of you know, I prefer to think of myself as "40 feet tall, invisible, bullet-proof, and made of pure plasma."* I feel that it's likely that my armored exoskeleton is simply a colorful candy shell... and my core of liquid-hot magma is just rich milk chocolate and creamy nougat.

Um...yeah. Anyway, I am going through the whole gauntlet of appointments. The dentist visit should suck, as I haven't been to one for quite some time... like, several presidents ago. The doctors are doing a full blood workup; lipids, cholesterol, glucose, etc., and much to my chagrin, I may have to have a quick "butt-o-scope" as well. That, coupled with the old "San Francisco handshake" (officially called "testicular palpation"), should make tomorrow a pretty crappy day.

Soon, I will have an itemization of specific ailments to put with my current vague list of complaints. To prepare myself, I am working under the assumption that I have something completely terminal - I may have but moments to live as we speak. That way, when they come in and say, "Mr. Callahan, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you have cancer of the eyelashes. We fear it may have spread to the brows as well..." it won't seem so bad. By being prepared to die, I can face any triple-angio-bypass-colon-root-canal-ectomy they have to dish out. Of course, I'll be starting a strict chemical intoxicant regimen right after the blood is drawn... just to keep me on an even keel while we wait for results.

Wish me luck - because, let's be honest; this world would suck without me.


*Just to clarify, I am only 40 feet tall in my morphed form.