One Hour Runner

My new running program is listed below. The key to this plan is the long run each week. I'll stick to my Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday schedule, and the long run will take place on Saturday.

Weeks 1 - 3: Run 30 minutes, x3, Weekly total: 90 minutes
Week 4: Run 30, 29, and 35 minutes. Weekly total: 94 minutes
Week 5: Run 30, 32, and 38 minutes. Weekly total: 100 minutes
Week 6: Run 30, 33, and 41 minutes. Weekly total: 104 minutes
Week 7: Run 30, 34, and 45 minutes. Weekly total: 109 minutes
Week 8: Run 30, 36, and 49 minutes. Weekly total: 115 minutes
Week 9: Run 30, 38, and 54 minutes. Weekly total: 122 minutes
Week 10: Run 30, 40, and 60 minutes. Weekly total: 130 minutes

Assuming that all goes well, and I don't have to repeat any weeks (I did repeat a week or two on Couch to 5K) this plan would have me running for an hour by September 12th. That means I could be ready in time for the Hope with Every Step 10K in Littleton, CO, on September 28th. It's not too far to drive to, and it's for a good cause.

This means that my Monday and Wednesday runs will take up more time after about week 5. I'll need to carefully budget that time, and make sure that it's not pushed aside to make room for other silly crap like sleeping or bathing. A man's got to have his priorities straight.

I imagine that I'll have to get acustomed to running indoors toward the end of the program as well, as it will probably snow at least once or twice before race day. As much as I hate the dreadmill, I hate the soggy clothes and pneumonia that always accompany sweating when it is cold outside even more. I have learned from several snow shoeing and cross country skiing experiences that I am not good at cold weather endurance sports.

You see, I'm the sweaty guy - the guy who loses 3-4 pounds of water weight in a two hour workout, and continues to sweat for 30 minutes after the exercise ends. All the well-meaning friends who have said "just wear Goretex and you'll be fine" have no idea how much I sweat. Goretex is great if you're a normal human, but my mutant power is sweating (not super handy in the danger room, but also unlikely to draw the attention of the Sentinels. It's a trade off...). In order to not get a chill and then spend several weeks with a hacking cough, I'm just going to have to run at the gym.

And I hate running at the gym. It's itchy and it smells like freshmen, but I am a man on a mission!

My Virtual 5K (I didn't vomit...)

At 11:20 AM on Saturday, I set out to run the Wee Little Virtual 5K. I started out at a good pace, but pretty quickly things went south.

Stupidly, I had played badminton the night before. I was hoping for just a light sweat, nothing too intense, but my competitive nature makes it hard for me to just play for fun. I pushed a bit too hard, and eventually I lunged for drop shot at the net and felt my left knee twinge. Not too bad, just a moment of pain, but I didn't take the hint - I finished the game. And about 5 more after that.

The next morning, it felt a bit tight but I was ready to get moving, so I decided that I didn't need any ibuprofen. I was ok for the first mile or so, but shortly after that I started getting a little jolt of pain behind my kneecap with every stride. I figured it would lessen if I slacked the pace a bit, so I eased up and it did feel a little better.

Thinking I was in the clear, I began to check my watch against landmarks on the course and try to guess my finish time. At that point, a 35:00 was still possible, and I was hopeful.

It was about the halfway point that the wind started to pick up. It was actually quite pleasant in terms of temperature, but the cooling breeze also carried with it death, in the form of pollen.

My allergies only last about a month each summer, but they are acute and brutal. On several occasions, friends and loved ones who have witnessed me having a full blown allergy attack have offered to take me to the emergency room. My eyes turn red, tear up, and eventually one of them usually swells shut. I get hives on my tongue and the roof of my mouth, and my throat starts to swell up, making it hard to breathe. My sinuses start to pound, and in one instance, I got a nose bleed from both nostrils simultaneously... Oh yeah, it's a good time, let me tell ya.

Of course, that's only if I go outside without any meds on board. On Saturday, I had taken a Zyrtec at about 8:45 AM, so I only had a minor attack. By the two mile mark I was sneezing, sniffling, my eyes were burning, and my throat felt like someone stubbed out a cigar in it. I realized that my dreams of a sub 35:00 were fast evaporating, so I decided to gut it out and just try to finish. I struggled on home, clocking in at 36:10.

It wasn't exactly the glorious run I had planned. Oddly enough, that run was last weekend, before whatever I'm allergic to bloomed. I am hoping for a rainy night before my next race, the Firecracker 5K on the 4th of July. (Rain helps cut the pollen in the air.)

I'd like to thank Wee Little Me for sponsoring this great event - I'm not sure I would have finished Couch to 5K without this goal to shoot for.

I'd also like to thank Amy from the Runner's Lounge Community for sending all the participants bracelets that say, "I Am A Runner." I was still feeling kind of bummed about my time today when I sat down to write this race report, but the mail arrived while I was working on it, and there in amongst the bills and credit card offers was my bracelet, like a completion medal. I'm wearing it now, and it's ridiculous how much I'm enjoying it - you'd think I won Boston or something...

The real reason I feel this way is that a running program gives you a concrete feeling of accomplishment - something sorely lacking in our world today.

Whatever it was that made you hate running in your past, let it go - I let go of dozens of bad coaches and mean drill sergeants and skinny assholes who laughed at my pudgy ass to get myself back into running shoes, and I'm glad I did. Check the beginner programs out there; I did Couch to 5K, but there are dozens on the web. Give yourself a chance to accomplish something.

I Can Haz Kick?

So I officially graduated from the Couch to 5K program today. I ran my third run of week 9 around noon today, and I did 2.76 miles in 30 minutes - a 10:53 pace. I think I should be eligible for graduation gifts of some sort... I've asked the protocol nuns here at the Black Vatican to check on the proper procedure. Do Nike and New Balance have gift registries?

The really surprising thing about today's run wasn't the pace (which was a little bit faster than Monday) but the last 60 seconds. See, when the announcer guy on my iPod says "You have about a minute to go," I am usually struggling to just hang on until he says I can stop. Today however, I actually had enough energy to pick up the pace and run flat out for the last 60 seconds. I finally have reached the point where I have a "kick."

I used to watch runners on TV, usually during the Olympics, suddenly turn on the juice and just fly for the last 200 meters or so. I always thought it would be awesome to have that kind of kick; to pass other runners and snatch victory from their grasping fingers (I have competiton issues, ok?).

In all the years of forced running that I had to do for various sports, however, I was a comfortable back of the pack runner, with no desire to pass the speedier guys up front. I just wanted to finish quickly enough that the coach wouldn't make me do extra push-ups or something. I can honestly say that it NEVER seemed like a good idea to actually push at the end... unless I had some compelling reason to want to vomit when it was over.

Today, for some reason, it seemed like the thing to do. I know there are purists out there who will tell me that if I had enough energy for a kick, I could have been running harder for the whole distance, but screw them - it was awesome to put on that burst of speed and push to the finish. I finished strong, and it felt better than running ever has before. Not throwing up probably contributed to that feeling.

To keep things in prespective, I have to say that I'm still really damn slow. It's not like Adidas is calling for an endorsement deal (and it wouldn't do them any good anyway, I'm loyal to New Balance) but I do feel like a proper athlete again. After logging over 60 miles of running to get to this point, there has been a subtle change in terminology. No longer do I say, "I do some running." Now I say, "I'm a runner." It's a small change, but a significant one to me.

The Virtual 5k is this coming weekend, then I'll be joining Indian Princess and others in the upcoming Firecracker 5K on the 4th of July. I'm sure that the excitement of competition will push me to run a bit harder, but I really hope I have something left for a final kick. I'd like to finish strongly, looking like someone who runs regularly.

And I hope I don't vomit.

News from FlockHall 2.0

- We are in the testing phases of a new defense system for the grounds of FlockHall 2.0, the headquarters of the local Flock and the location of the Papal Apartments. Our newest plan, "Project Hell Hound" is looking very promising; more details here.

- In other news, Flynn did his first kettlebell workout last night, and he made a fine showing. Of course, when it was over, he was just as wrecked as everyone else who has touched Eunice (Yes, I named her. Don't judge me.) and he sat at his desk and shook for 10 minutes or so, as is now tradition. I worked with Eunice twice today, so the fact that I can type at all is a bit of a miracle. But I am become strong like bull, da?

- I am entering week 8 of the Couch to 5K program tomorrow. It is only a 9 week program, so I am wondering what to do when it is over. I have heard of a program called "One Hour Runner" which works you up to one hour of continuous running. That would head me in the direction of a 10K race, perhaps in the Fall. After that, I'm looking at a half-marathon in March of 2009, then the Denver Marathon in October '09. I'm also considering doing the Disney World marathon in January of 2010. This race is so popular that the 2009 event is already 65% sold out... 7 months in advance. Anyone out there know of a race in your area that the Black Pope should run in? Post a comment or send me an email about it and you might be the lucky recipient of a Papal visit! (If you'd call that luck...)

- My stats class is really crappy. I know, that's not exactly "news" but I just feel better saying it. The hard part is that the instructor is the nicest little Muslim woman I have ever met. She is so very pleasant and cheery as she corrects my retarded attempts at t-tests, binomial probabilities, and the other densities of statistical analysis. She is so nice that I feel extra dumb when I don't do well. Ah, guilt, my old friend... my grandmother would be proud of the strangle hold you have on me.

- I rode the WOB for the first time in quite a while today. I've been walking almost exclusively of late, because I wanted to get as much conditioning for my legs as possible, but I took too long for lunch today and I was doomed to be late for work unless a vehicle was used. It felt good to ride her again, and I was also surprised by how much stronger my legs truly are now. The small hill that leads up from the street onto the back side of campus is hardly noticeable now, and I made it to the computer lab in record time. It is perhaps possible that I am slowly - ever so slowly - becoming fit again.

- A final note - the weather is fucking ridiculous here. We had lows of 30-35 degrees last night. It was barely 45 yesterday at noon, with a 40+mph wind and high humidity so it felt like 25 degrees. It's June. JUNE; and it snowed a little bit yesterday morning.

Virtual 5K Route

I found this cool thingy called mapmyrun.com that, um, like maps your runs, and stuff... You can use it to check the mileage of a course you've already run, or plan your next route. Here is the route I've been thinking about for the Wee Little Virtual 5K.



I haven't decided if this will be the one I actually use on race day, but I like this course. I like running in residential areas anyway - that way I am within crawling distance of someone's home, regardless of where I might be when I have my heart attack...

For those who are keeping score at home, I did my first week five run on the C25k program, and it wasn't too bad. I was all freaked out about the longer intervals, but they were fine once I got warmed up. I will be shooting for 20 minute intervals by this weekend.

The 53 Runner's Commandments

1. Don't be a whiner. Nobody likes a whiner, not even other whiners.
2. Walking out the door is often the toughest part of a run.
3. Don't make running your life. Make it part of your life.
4. During group training runs, don't let anyone run alone.
5. Keep promises, especially ones made to yourself.
6. When doing group runs, start on time no matter who's missing.
7. The faster you are the less you should talk about your times.
8. Keep a quarter in your pocket. One day you'll need to call for a ride.
9. Don't compare yourself to other runners.
10. All runners are equal, some are just faster than others.
11. Keep in mind that the later in the day it gets, the more likely it is that you won't run.
12. For a change of pace, get driven out and then run back.
13. If it was easy, everybody would be a runner.
14. When standing in starting lines, remind yourself how fortunate you are to be there.
15. Getting out of shape is much easier than getting into shape.
16. A bad day of running still beats a good day at work.
17. Talk like a runner. "Singlets" are worn on warm days. "Tank tops" are worn to the beach.
18. Don't talk about your running injuries. People don't want to hear about your sore knee or black toe.
19. Don't always run alone.
20. Don't always run with people.
21. Approach running as if the quality of your life depended on it.
22. No matter how slow you run it is still faster than someone sitting on a couch.
23. Keep in mind that the harder you run during training, the luckier you'll get during racing.
24. Races aren't just for those who can run fast.
25. There are no shortcuts to running excellence.
26. The best runs sometimes come on days when you didn't feel like running.
27. Be modest after a race, especially if you have reason to brag.
28. If you say, "Let's run this race together," then you must stay with that person no matter how slow.
29. Think twice before agreeing to run with someone during a race.
30. There is nothing boring about running. There are, however, boring people who run.
31. Look at hills as opportunities to pass people.
32. Distance running is like cod liver oil. At first it makes you feel awful, then it makes you feel better.
33. Never throw away the instructions to your running watch.
34. Don't try to outrun dogs.
35. Don't trust runners who show up at races claiming to be tired, out of share, or not feeling well.
36. Don't wait for perfect weather. If you do, you won't run very often.
37. When tempted to stop being a runner, make a list of the reasons you started.
38. Never run alongside very old or very young racers. They get all of the applause.
39. Without goals, training has no purpose.
40. During training runs, let the slowest runner in the group set the pace.
41. The first year in a new age group offers the best opportunity for trophies.
42. Go for broke, but be prepared to be broken.
43. Spend more time running on the roads than sitting on the couch.
44. Make progress in your training, but progress at your own rate.
45. "Winning" means different things to different people.
46. Unless you make your living as a runner, don't take running too seriously.
47. Runners who never fail are runners who never try anything great.
48. Never tell a runner that he or she doesn't look good in tights.
49. Never confuse the Ben-Gay tube with the toothpaste tube.
50. Never apologize for doing the best you can.
51. Preventing running injuries is easier than curing them.
52. Running is simple. Don't make it complicated.
53. Running is always enjoyable. Sometimes, though, the joy doesn't come until the end of the run.

My thanks to Joe Kelly.

Virtual 5K

Some of you may have noticed the new banner on the right for the Wee Little Virtual 5K. I've committed to running in it, and I hope some of you will too!

It's pretty simple - click on the link, commit to moving your body (you can run, walk, skip, crawl, etc.) for 5k (3.1 miles) on the 28th or 29th of June 2008, then report your time. You can also write a race report and have it linked on the page, too. I'm a terrible runner, but this gives me a goal for which to prepare.

I am on week 4 of the Couch to 5k program; it takes you from one minute running intervals to running a full 30 minutes non-stop in 9 weeks. To make the intervals easier to time, I'm using the Podcasts for Running created by Robert Ullrey. He recorded a podcast for each week of the program that tells you when to run and when to walk, and he gives pointers and encouragement along the way.

Many of you have heard me say terrible things about running - and I was right. In the brief time that I've been running I have encountered rain, sleet, snow, hail, angry dogs, angry old people, and huge clouds of car and truck exhaust. I've experienced back pain, ankle pain, knee pain, post-run giddiness, mid-run depression, and pre-run anxiety. It offers all of the sweatiness and misery of handball, with almost none of the exhilaration.

Yet, I like it somehow; perhaps I'm exploring my masochistic side. I like taking time for myself, away from everyone and everything, and just working on me - my heart, my lungs, my legs. (I also refuse to be defeated by a physical skill I mastered at the age of three!) At this point, there is no strategy, no planning. It's just one foot in front of the other, repeat as needed. That level of simplicity is good in my life these days.

Thus far I haven't had any real injuries, just occasional owies and soreness - nothing that doesn't go away before the next run. I am progressing at a very measured and reasonable pace that isn't tearing my legs up, and I'm allowing myself proper rest between workouts. In other words, I'm approaching this unlike any other sport I've ever tried. It's not that I don't have grand plans (like the Denver Marathon in 2009, for instance...), it's just a symptom of my age and size. I'm a big guy who has avoided running (other than the brief sprinting required by the games I play) for many years, so I'm easing back into it. I've finally become cautious with my body. I well recall the crippling pain of shin splints and sciatica brought on by running too much too soon. I'm not interested in being shut down by them again. Like I said above, I have a race to run soon!