Subtle

Today someone said to me, "you're a gentleman and a scholar."

It was said lightly, in passing. Naturally, I took it to heart and got all angsty over the possible meanings of it.

"Scholar" I will accept, as I am nothing if not a researcher. It was the "gentleman" part that gave me pause. I really wish I was a more gentle man. Back in my SCA days, a friend once described my fighting style as "subtle, like a chainsaw." Unfortunately, that is true of me in other ways, especially verbally. I mentioned this a couple posts back, and it has been on my mind ever since. I was given a t-shirt, custom printed just for me, by a friend years ago that sums up the issue quite well. It reads, "I love all humanity - it's people I can't stand."

Various schools of Buddhism use different techniques to instill gentleness, or "loving kindness" in their adherents. I should have been using one of them as my primary practice for years now. At the very least, I should have been doing something to knock the rough edges off.

Of course, age has a way of doing that for you; I'm actually not nearly so blunt as I used to be. I wish I could say it's the result of accumulated wisdom, but there is also the possibility that I'm just getting tired. Living a full court press all the time is exhausting. Regardless of the cause, at this rate, I will be truly gentle in another 60 or 70 years...