Bedtime Cocktail

Due to circumstances beyond my control - a wet spring, a head cold, and an outdoor campaign event - I have been quite ill for the last week. So ill that I haven't been running or lifting. This makes me cranky.

I don't generally accept illness. You see, I grew up in a house where the motto was "better living through chemistry." My mother is a nurse anesthetist turned academic, but her true calling in life is pharmacology, so she firmly believes there is a pill for most everything, and the rest requires a syringe. I was taught that one should not acknowledge one's symptoms - just medicate them away and go about your business. Your immune system likes to work behind the scenes - it's best when you don't micromanage it. Mom was also a master of drug interactions - she was an expert at concocting exactly the cocktail to suit all your symptoms at once, with no ill effects. On one Sunday afternoon in the '80s she successfully treated me for back spasms, a hangover, depression, and swimmer's ear, solely with the pills in her purse. That was a hell of a weekend, by the way...

Now that I no longer live near enough to my mother to request a concoction for every little sniffle, I have become my own mixologist. We here at the Hayfever Lounge take our nightcaps seriously, so I've put a lot of research into this. As a big man with Irish tolerances and epic allergies, I need something that can knock out my cough, stop the itchy nose and runny eyes, clear the congestion enough so I can lie down without feeling like I'm drowning, and overcome my daily caffeine intake (two 20oz diet Mt. Dews) so I can sleep. A tall order, I know, but the current "house special" is getting the job done. Here's the recipe...

Ingredients:
NielMed Sinus Rinse
NyQuil Liquicaps
Claritin
Afrin Nasal Spray
Theraflu Warming Relief formula
Ricola Cherry Honey Cough Drops
paper umbrella (optional)

First, rinse sinuses with neti pot and NeilMed Sinus Rinse. Spray two shots of Afrin in each newly cleared nostril. (Gagging slightly at this point is normal.) Throw back two Nyquil Liquicaps and a Claritin with a shot of Theraflu. (I find the "cherry lighter fluid" flavor mixes with and destroys the taste of the Afrin better than the "orange paint thinner" flavor.) Chase with a Ricola cough drop to stop the heaves.


Not quite what mom used to make, but we can never get those recipes right anyway, can we? The missing ingredient is always love...

After this, I recommend brushing your teeth and going straight to bed, as the onset can be quite sudden. Last night, I had one of these and sat down to play BioShock 2. About 10 minutes later I drooling on my chest and Big Daddy was stuck head-first in a corner, getting humped by splicers.

Remember kids, don't do drugs, and don't drink (cold meds) and drive. Stay in school.

6 comments:

Mayren said...

awwww you poor lil Pontiff...
I too had a mom in the medical profession who would play pharmacist with me when i sneezed or ached for anything. These days i'm a big minimalist on meds when possible i think because of it.

I wish you well and hope you are able to scrape together a wonderful holiday weekend through all the yuck. I'm sure there's a "Heroine" who can help you out in this area. (i hear she's pretty darn awesome...)

His Sinfulness said...

Oddly enough, my mother actually read this post, but she has refrained from commenting. Here is what she put on my Facebook, however:

"I read your website--not a bad polypharmacy combination--but quite a lot for anyone not as large as you--take warning, those of smaller stature."

You can see where I got my sense of humor.

Sci Fi Heroine said...

Aw, thanks, Mayren! I did make him Wife Soup: pre-packaged vegetable soup with a little chicken broth and a liberal helping of hot sauce from the local Korean restaurant. It took a lot of skin off of his throat, but it worked. ;)

His Sinfulness said...

I am blessed to have such caring and compassionate women in my life. Now, if the damn plants would just finish having sex, I could get on with enjoying their company...

Raksha said...

Aw, that sucks that you're so sick. I, too, am feeling under the weather. There have been storms in and out of here several times a day, so that's been hell on my sinuses. Plus, my allergies are in overdrive. I've had a splitting headache for 4 days and counting. Not even my perscription pain meds I take for my joints are putting a dent in it. I've also been taking a lot of benadryl and ended up giving myself my first nose bleed ever. I was just minding my own business, rereading a Sandman TPB and then...BLOOD EVERYWHERE. I'm still about 11% convinced I have a brain tumor and/or alien implant.

The pollen around here is nuts. There is some plant in our yard that must have originated in a hell dimension and it's trying to kill us all. I think even Evey is allergic to it. Around the same time my allergies went nuts, she got watery eyes and a slightly runny nose and started sneezing a lot. I have to take her to the vet this week.


Um...what was I saying? Oh yeah! I'm sorry you're feeling bad and I hope you get better soon. When you get sick, you tend to hold onto the coughs for a while, which is worrisome. Sorry for rambling. Like I said, I'm on a lot of drugs.

Mayren said...

*hugs to Linus's Mom*

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