Whiny Drivel

The parts of my life are banging together again. Imagine trying to keep a feather, an origami crane, a crystal vase, two rusty tack hammers, and a steaming plate of fettuccine Alfredo all in the same sack while you hop over barbed wire fences at a dead run. When you look in, the parts are all there, but you don't want to touch any of it.

There is a very strong sense of futility in everything I'm doing right now, and yet, I can't seem to stop and find things that are more meaningful for myself. My role - that of angry guy/chief pastor to a pack of atheists and agnostics/all-around asshole - has gotten old. If I'm tired of my antics I'm sure others must be too, but once you're type-cast it's tough to get other gigs. At this point, I am in a rut bigger than Leonard Nimoy's acting career.

The temptation to say, "It's ok - I'll be applying to grad school soon, and hopefully leaving all this crap behind," is very real, but the problem there is that I will take all of this with me. Same show, different stage.

So what is the solution? If I knew, this would be a Sunday Sermon, with a snappy title and better organizational structure - not a half-assed, half-edited pity party on a Tuesday afternoon. No, there is no handy solution to this emo-funk I find myself in. I wouldn't even really take note of it except that it is off schedule; I usually don't get this pissy until later in the academic year. My patented "Black February" is fairly famous in these parts, so I'm surprised to find that I feel all emptied out in October. Early October, even.

In an ironic bit of perfect timing, a friend just IMed me a Goth Names link. Turns out mine is "Demented Whore."

11 comments:

Levi said...

as much as i adore your steel-wool exterior, i always enjoyed working with you much more behind the scenes. not that i ever thought you were behind a persona (but of course you were, we all are when reading), but i don't think you can ever not be boisterous, opinionated, and a kilt-wearing obi-wan to the young atheists of the world. haven't you already been everything else already anyways? i'm not sure what the point of this comment is. but i think you're awesome and i hope you get to a better place with yourself.

La Petite Fleur said...

i would normally give you a peppy, life-is-not-that bad kind of talk and cheer you up... but i am finding that october sucks for me as well... so you will have to find your solution elsewhere... anywhere but here...

WNG said...

I don't think any of us would mind if you slipped out of persona. You do what you need to get you through.

Benjamin said...

i agree with levi, and hope you find yourself enjoying a lovely afternoon.

Claytonian said...

most of the flock kinda has a mold or stereotype or whatever. Thinking about it makes me paranoid? What was/am I? Oh yeah, "that funny jerk".

Claytonian said...

Oh and typo king. See above comment for odd use of question mark as evidence.

Modig_Bjorn said...

Well, you did school "teh Dr." and myself yesterday at handball, so everything can't be all bad. ;)

P.S. Ha! My goth name is "Midnight Fantasy"! *Waits for Big Gay Jim's inevitable comment*

His Sinfulness said...

Thanks for the good wishes - I'm sure I'll be fine shortly.

Clay, we've recast you. You're now playing the role of "the other webcomic artist." :)

I went back to the Goth name site and put in "Black Pope" and got "Bloody Angel." Pretty accurate, I'd say...

WNG said...

Velvet Tears
It is impossible to be a hardass with a name like that.

Mayren said...

Woot I just scored Midnight Fantasy! Beat that WNG!

I agree with WNG though. I know you want anonymity because this is the Net, but you don't have to keep up a persona for us. Most of us won't bite (unless you ask them to).
I'm pretty sure we all realize that the use of Linus and His Sinfulness are not your real names but your online pen names.

Feel free to express yourself how you wish.

Mischief said...

I'm sure you're likely feeling much recovered by the time I post this comment, but in case you're not, I just thought I'd take a moment to remind you that the quest for a meaningful life is quite natural and the best solution is to acknowledge that you are where you are. Make what you do in the moment have meaning. Why should someone as unique as you follow a traditional idea of success? ((HUG)) Now don't hit me for that ;)

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