The List

Somewhere in the back of everyone's mind, there is stored a list of things you wish you had said. This list is specifically for the things that it's too late to say now - there are no "do-overs." It's right next to the list of things you wish you hadn't said, and in the vicinity of memories of the awkward moments in jr. high when you tried to speak to the cool kids and they shunned you. At least that's where I keep mine, but my mental filing system resembles the love child of the Dewey decimal system and DOS 3.1, so yours may be easier to find.

At any rate, I have been reviewing mine of late. I began to write about it and it turned into an epic saga, a veritable Ring des Nibelungen of regret, but once I got the outline done, I realized that it was just too big. It would have required a cast of thousands, location shoots all over the world, CGI special effects, Jack Black to play me, and Peter Jackson at the helm. I just couldn't get the backing.

So instead, it's this blog post. I had to cut the dance sequences, the aerial dogfight over the Grand Canyon, the scale model of my elementary school blowing up, the barroom brawl, the come-from-behind touchdown scene (in fact, the whole sports montage had to go), the scene of my devirgining where toothpaste was the lubricant (tingly!), the car chase, and that one night in 1984 - but I think it still holds together artistically...

Ok, so all of that was just a clever ruse to bury the list itself deeper in the post, so the casual readers will miss it. They'll come to the blog and look at this long-ass post and say, "Oh fuck, Linus is preaching again," and just click right on through. And don't think I don't know who you are, you 20 second visitors! My site metrics are so powerful I know what tissues you use to wipe up when you are done jacking to pr0n, so don't try to pass yourself off as hardcore. You're only hardcore around here if you know (without a search engine) about Carpocration Gnosticism. Carpocrates and I are tight - we go way back, so don't even front, yo.

I suppose it's possible that I could actually be allowing this post to run hither and yon because it is fucking hard to actually publish this list. This is a list of all the times that I had a chance to be really honest, but failed to do so. All of the local Flock has heard me say, "He who hesitates is lost." If that's true, this list proves that the Coast Guard already gave up on my sorry ass. And don't think that because these were in the past, I don't still feel them. Each one is like a little hang nail, and hitting the "publish" button is like dipping your finger in lemon juice. It's something akin to going to a family reunion, where the only funny story any of your relatives seem to be able to remember about you is the time you peed your pants in church - big laughs for everyone else, and you have to go along and nod, and say, "Yes, my childhood incontinence was terribly amusing, Uncle Bill. Thanks for telling that one again."

So here, in no particular order, is the list of things I wish I'd said. I have cut it down to just the greatest hits; these are the things that are huge in my mind, or the ones that have happened more than once. Unlike a recording artist, however, the existence of a greatest hits list does not mean that my career is mostly over. Oh no, I'm sure I'll continue to be a wishy-washy jackass for many years to come.

The list:

"Yes, I would like that very much."

"No, that would be wrong, and you know it."

"I'm sorry."

"No, not without a condom."

"No, that hill is way too steep."

"I love you."

"Biting is only good sometimes."

"I don't love you anymore."

"I knew all along."

"Yes, I would like pain medication please."

"I know this is over."

"He is better for you."

"The sex was mediocre."

"Will you marry me?"

"Goodbye."