I Love It When I'm Right

Recently, one of my predictions was vindicated by the English newspaper, The Sun. For those who aren’t up on publications in Great Britain, The Sun is a bastion of journalistic excellence ALMOST as fair and balanced as Fox News.com. In fact, the two are very similar, except that The Sun has a topless girl on page three every day… which, to be honest, would really improve Fox News.com… so long as it isn’t Sarah Palin.

But I’m not here to discuss the hockey mom’s over-nursed fun bags – I’m actually here to talk about the sweater meat of female Islamic suicide bombers. That’s right, folks – as I predicted in my weekly radio rant back in December, the newest innovation in terror is explosive breast implants. The Sun reported that sources in Pakistan and Yemen alerted the British Security Agency, MI5, to the existence of the deadly “booby traps” shortly after the failed attempt of the underwear bomber, Omar Farouk Abdulmutallab. The article goes on to say that top surgeons have confirmed that such a procedure is possible, and explosive experts have told MI5 that a breast-sized packet of PETN could easily damage a plane badly enough to bring it down. Now when you are covertly admiring the dirty pillows of the devout Muslim seated next to you on that international flight, you can wonder if her burkha-covered lady lumps are bursting with jihad.

Now don’t feel left out if you prefer to ogle men. The article also mentions that they are putting implants in the buttocks of male suicide bombers as well. That handsome sheik ahead of in the ticket line may have a killer ass, and not just because of the falafel he ate before the flight.

Ok, all the horrible jokes aside, this simply can’t possibly be true. For starters, the explosive they mentioned, PETN, has to be set on fire to go off, so what are they going to do - put in a wick instead of a nipple? Also, there are much easier places to hide packets of explosives – the body cavity itself has plenty of useable space in it – why bother with a cosmetic surgery that may end up lumpy enough to give the would-be terrorist away?

Never the less, The Sun and Fox News.com were both happy to scare the crap out of their already terrified audience with this story. What I put forth as a joke, they are now putting forth as legitimate news, with no consideration given to the plausibility of it. I tried to think of the most ridiculous, improbable, unlikely way to top the underwear bomber, and came up with something that was funny because it was so damn silly, and now so-called “news agencies” are touting it as fact.

The real irony here is that in Britain, The Sun is considered a tabloid – taken just a tiny notch more seriously than the Enquirer or the Weekly World News here – and yet one of these ridiculous filler pieces was picked up by Fox News and reprinted as “Fact.” Fair and balanced my non-explosive ass.