Incredible Balls

This is the follow up to a sermon that I did some time ago...

A while back, I ranted at some length about the various believers who were trying to convert me, without a shred of knowledge about their own faiths, and a pack of misconceptions about mine. One of these fundie asshats - the one who said that Christianity was never the state religion of Rome, who told me that Christianity has never caused any suffering in the world, and who was convinced that the Buddha had proclaimed himself god incarnate - was proselytizing via the chat function of an on-line chess service that I play on.

He began the game by making a Christian reference - probably spurred on by my screen name, "Reverend Linus." I explained that I'm not a Christian. He responded, "You are making the biggest mistake possible! Having a relationship with Jesus is the most important decision one can make." I told him, very directly, that I was not interested in being converted - but he was off and running.

Because his pitch was so hackneyed, so baseless, and soooo ignorant of other traditions, I got sucked in. I addressed (with links and references) his lack of knowledge of the origins and history of his faith, his misconceptions about the history of Judaism, Islam, and Buddhism, his lack of understanding of his faith's theology, and a host of other "points" he brought up. He gave up trying to convert me by midgame. Well, to be fair, I bludgeoned him into silence by midgame. His last bit of preaching was something to the effect of "It doesn't matter what you think about God or the Bible - you are free to go to hell."

Unfortunately, the game has been crawling along ever since (I'm playing Black, naturally...)

Although It began July 1st, the time limit per move was 14 days, so it was finally winding down tonight. I had a significant material advantage (I was up by a rook and pawn) and sound position. He had been silent for the last 30 moves or so, when out of the blue, he asks if I've ever heard of Melaleuca, Inc.

Melaleuca, Inc. is a multi-level marketing company that sells products made with "tea tree oil." They pitch their products as being environmentally sound and free of harmful additives. It is similar to Amway, Herbalife, and a host of other companies that are essentially mercantile pyramid scams. Some people in the organization get very, very wealthy while everyone else involved ends up with a garage full of product. I had heard of Melaleuca back in my State Patrol days, when a fellow officer tried to get me involved.

I wasn't interested then, and I'm not interested now. And I told the chess fundie that I had heard of the company and that I was not interested. Three moves from mate, and he persists. I told him again that I was not interested. And once again, he persisted. Finally, he ended with, "if you want to go on buying poisonous products at retail prices, feel free."

That's right - his Melaleuca pitch was exactly the same as his Christianity pitch.

To paraphrase the late great Bill Hicks, "Where does a guy get such balls?!" After failing to impress me, in the earlier debate or in the game, where did this asshat with a chinstrap get balls so enormously large that he thinks this is a good time to try to sell me a multi-level marketing scheme? He thinks to himself, "Now that I've insulted his faith and proven myself an irritating, ignorant boob, it's time to bring him into my marketing tree!"

In a rare blending of the powers of His Sinfulness the Black Pope with those of Darth Furious, I excommunicated him AND crushed his windpipe with the Dark Side of the Force...


Dr. Smith said...

Sounds like everyone is having run-ins with fanatic ass-hats lately. I myself ran into the man who has the christian fundamentalist table in the union at hastings. I had been getting sick and tired of him trying to talk to me when obviously I wasn't interrested. So when he tried to strike up a conversation and shake my hand I told him flat out. "look I don't like you, and I don't like what you stand for. I don't want you to talk to me or even say hi to me anymore." To which his reply was "I can't even say hi to you?" "no I would prefer it if you didn't." So it is my understanding that if he does try to talk to me, if I don't initiate it in any way, I can report him for harasment. While this act may make me an asshole, I really can't have much respect for a man who raises kids that watch the flintstones like its a fucking documentary.

His Sinfulness said...

As I have pointed out on this blog before, proselytizers can be very stubborn. You certainly have a right to tell one to leave you alone, especially if he has been obnoxiously persistent.

It's hard to tell someone to their face that you don't want them to talk to you ever again, but sometimes it's necessary. Like, for example, some of my former girlfriends... ;)

Big Gay Jim said...

It calls to mind two of my all time favorite pumper stickers:

It's not Jesus I have a problem with - it's his fan club.

Lord, protect me from your followers.

I also love the Dar Williams song, "The Christians and the Pagans." . o O "So the christians and the pagans sat together at the table,

Finding faith and common ground the best that they were able,

And where does magic come from? I think magics in the learning,

Cause now when christians sit with pagans only pumpkin pies are burning."

Yeah man...why can't it be like that?

Levi said...

I am mos def serious, and no stranger to fencing welts, though my previous experience involves the foil and my nipples. I hope that nobody emails you in horror that I dared to mention my tender, sweet nipples. I am also sad not to have seen you at zee poetry reading last night, but you know, whatever, I'll cry or something.

Modig_Bjorn said...

Wait...they have proselytizing tables at *Hastings*? WTF??????? No wondering I rarely leave my apartment! And when I do, it's with a shotgun in one hand, and a vile of goat's blood in the other.

Modig_Bjorn said...


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