What Were You Thinking?

Gods bless YouTube...

Job Hazards

It's morning. I know this because my eyes are burning from not wanting to be open and my face is stinging from razor burn. I'm sitting in a computer lab, where I get paid to watch my fellow students. I am supposed to be here to offer assistance with software and hardware issues, but primarily I am here to make sure no one steals anything, and that those who're sleeping don't drool into the keyboards and get shocked (the smell of scorched undergrad is not conducive to learning).

Usually I enjoy - well, I don't mind - working in the labs. I basically get paid to do my homework, and if it's a high-traffic shift, I get to see all the pretty coeds coming and going; not a bad deal. Sometimes I even get to chat with these young ladies when they need help, and their adorable but futile attempts to be cogent are usually a healing salve to my tired heart, withered and blackened thing that it is.

Today however, I find them all simply too stupid to be charming.

My desk bears a large sign which reads, "Lab Assistant." My chest bears a badge which reads, "Lab Assistant." No amount of carefully styled hair and artfully applied makeup packed in whaletail-baring jeans could overcome my disgust when one girl walked up, leaned on the printer and asked, "Are you the lab assistant?"

I knew I should just nod and say, "Yes - can I help you?" - but at that moment, pure evil filled my heart.

"No. I'm just filling in for him."
"Oh - when will he be back?"
"Not sure. He was hurt pretty badly."
At this, she batted her well-tinted lashes and said, "Hurt?"
"Yeah. Sometimes toner cartridges are just volatile like that. He managed to duck most of the shrapnel, but he'll be out for a few days. I think the laptop he had in his backpack went up too."
She stared blankly, then said, "But..."
I waited as long as I possibly could without being rude, but when she failed to finish her sentence, I filled the silence in a consoling tone with, "I know - it's so sudden. But that's the chance we take to be IT rockstars. He knew the risks."

I almost held it together and kept a straight face as she stepped carefully away from the printer.

There is an optional training session for lab assistants today - the subject is, "Customer Service."

I should probably go to that...

A Big Fat Lie

There are some things you should never say to a fat person.

For example, when the fat person mentions that they won't eat what you are offering them because they are trying to lose weight, you shouldn't say, "Oh, you're not fat!" I realize that some people have an unrealistic view of their bodies, but I am clearly not a bulimic. Do not blow smoke up my kilt about how I "carry it well" or how I'm "stocky." I am not just "solid," nor am I "husky." I don't need anyone to pat me on the back and tell me it's ok to be fat. It's not ok, it's unhealthy, and pretending otherwise is bullshit. It's not ok to shoot heroine and no one would tell an addict otherwise, but people lie to the fat on a daily basis. We tell smokers constantly that cigarettes are killing them, but we tell fat people it's ok to be "big and beautiful." I've been irritated by this behavior for several years now - soon I will tear someone's arm off and beat them with the wet end for it.

I know that there are different body types and I don't think everyone should be a swimsuit model, but being fat is unhealthy, period. It is shortening my life as we speak. By not doing anything about it for all these years, I may have fucked myself and my loved ones out of time we could have spent together. I may have set myself up for a heart attack or diabetes or high blood pressure or joint problems or any number of other issues by allowing myself to get fat and stay that way.

I'm not advocating a country-wide wave of fat bashing, but it would be nice to see some honesty. When the fat person in your life shows a little initiative and tries to make good decisions, don't lie to them - support them the same way you would support a friend who is trying to quit smoking or dry out. It's the best thing for their health, and it's safer for you - because I'm going to fucking END the next person who tries to tell me that I'm just "big-boned."

Fashion Gone Awry

Fashion is somewhat baffling to me. I have never been able to understand why anyone would pay the prices that designers demand for the kitschy crap that totters down the runway each season, but clearly someone wants it. In fact, someone wants it so badly they are willing to just rent it.

From Bags to Riches is a reprehensible little company that will allow you to use an absurdly priced designer handbag for an absurdly high monthly fee. Observe:
I would think that it should be obvious that a handbag should NEVER cost $1900, but apparently someone is willing to pay that amount. Equally baffling to me is the idea that someone would fork out $190 and then give the bag back after a month. Is it not obvious that if you can't aford to purchase a luxury item, you definitely shouldn't rent it?

If you simply must have the bag, basic math should tell you that you could save $190 per month for 10 months and you could own it. Of course, by then this little bit of wretched excess might not be in style anymore, but you'd have a little nestegg set aside for whatever the new bit of fluff is that you can't live without. I would even posit that you could buy the bag, use it for a few months, and then sell it for less than purchase price on Ebay and still have paid less for it on a monthly basis than if you rented it from these folks.

The most appaling part of their website is their mission statement:
"At From Bags to Riches fashion has a deeper meaning than just the latest styles and trends. We believe the power of fashion inspires excitement, confidence, and that “feel good” vibe every woman gets from wearing something new. We know that when a woman looks her best she feels her best. Our mission is to extend this feeling to every woman on a regular basis by offering high fashion at a highly affordable price."

Do I need to point out that getting your "feel good vibe" from fashion accessories is kind of pathetic? This is indicative of an absolutely ridiculous level of status worship. Priorities have gone completely wonky. Please tell me that my Flock is more sensible than this...