Hard-Hitting Questions

If you'd like to listen to this rather than read it, you can use this nifty embedded thingy. The show is called "Cognitive Dissonance," and my pissy little view of the world is a regular weekly feature. You should totally listen to the whole thing, but you could just wait for it to load and then go to my bit, which begins at 32:40... Also, I highly recommend you stick around for the song which plays right after me; it's a theme song of sorts for me.



Alright kids, a quick rundown of the situation this week: the Navy is getting ready to deal with a North Korean missile attack on Hawaii, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is about to go all Tienanmen Square on the protesters in Iran, Israel basically told Hillary Clinton to pack sand when she asked them to stop building Jewish settlements in the West Bank, and we are no closer to a health care solution… So at the daily White House press briefing today, when Major Garrett from Fox News got his shot at White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, naturally he asked about the MOST pressing issue in America today – Why the President hasn’t yet decided on a church for the Obama’s to attend.

Thank the gods there are keen investigative reporters out there like Garrett, to cut through the fluff and get to the REAL problems this country faces. If the President hasn’t chosen a church yet, he might be making decisions without the guidance of a pastor, or worse yet, without consulting the invisible man in the sky!

One of the follow up questioners asked if the First Family was having a pastor come in and conduct services privately for them, either at the Whitehouse or at Camp David. This, my friends, is the kind of “Fair and Balanced” coverage that is keeping our dangerous, Liberal, Socialist, abortion-loving, and possibly Muslim president in line. Attending prayer breakfasts, and putting “God Bless America” at the end of his speeches isn’t going to be enough. If he’s going to claim to be a Christian, he’ll have to keep up the charade for his entire term, and Fox News will be there to poke at him if he doesn’t.

Now if I were the President, I’d make a contest out of it. I’d have all the prominent pastors and priests in Washington come to the White House for an MMA round-robin cage match. I’d love to see the Episcopal Priest from St. John’s use his stole to choke out the Pastor from Metropolitan Methodist – they could probably make a bundle putting it on pay-per-view. We could have a nun walk around the octagon with the round cards, and the Baptist church ladies could handle the concessions by having a bake sale. It could be a real ecumenical event, and afterwards everyone could all go home and pray for those poor lost souls who don’t belong to THEIR church.

OK – to be fair, I know that question was the last one asked in a lengthy press conference, but seriously – is this the kind of thing the American people really need to know about their president? Don’t you think he has more important shit to worry about than which church service he and his cadre of Secret Service men will invade each week? Like, perhaps, fixing the monumental mess left behind by that bastion of church-going, god-fearing Christian values, George W. Bush? I think I’m going to pray for that – or... for a pony. Because both are equally likely.