Chrysler's New Date

Good news! Fiat bought Chrysler this week. Everyone who was worried that Chrysler would fall into bankruptcy can breathe more easily - with the help of a major European auto company, there’s no way Chrysler can fail now!

Unless… it turns out like it did when Daimler Benz bought Chrysler… You remember them, the incredibly successful firm that makes Mercedes? Yeah, with Chrysler they reported losses of $1.5 billion in 2006, then they laid off 13,000 employees in 2007. From then on, Daimler was trying to pimp Chrysler out to any john who had cash. When someone finally did express interest, it was a company called Cerberus Capital Management – a firm that specializes in reorganizing dying companies. Daimler actually had to PAY Cerberus $650 million to get them to take Chrysler – that’s like when you paid the guy down the block to take your ugly little sister to the prom; and that guy at least got a little something for his trouble…

That wasn’t the first time Chrysler had to be defibrillated either. It should have died a natural death back in the late 70s, when Carter gave them a 1.5 billion dollar loan. With obvious fiscal herpes sores like these, you’d think they’d have little hope of being purchased.

Never the less, Fiat has taken the bait, and not a minute too soon. If they hadn’t stepped up to the plate, Chrysler might have died for real this time, and the American people might have been deprived of a steady flow of fine Chrysler products – like the Chrysler Town and Country, also known as the poor man’s Escalade. Or the Sebring, which really wishes it was a Cadillac Alante.

Come to think of it, these are the guys that gave us the first minivan, the first gas-gulping SUV, and the single most unexciting, asexual car of all time, the Aries K-car. Perhaps the struggles this company has experienced are not the result of the economic down-turn – this is just karma in action. You can’t pump out millions of Voyagers and Caravans and then expect to atone for it all with a few PT Cruisers with flames down the sides. One wonders what sort of horrible things Fiat must have done to deserve being yoked to this millstone of a company as the entire auto market falls overboard. Something very bad, no doubt – something like making tanks for Mussolini… yeah, that was probably it.

Well, there is a bright side to all of this – I’ve always wanted an Italian car. I was thinking more of an Alfa Romeo, but I guess an Aspen Hybrid will just have to do.