Serious Foreplay

From the American Federation Of Aviculture's "Fundamental's of Aviculture" text:

"In some species of Indian parakeets there are elaborate dances where the male may hop up and down and dilate his eyes while approaching the female. If he is successful, his dance will mesmerize the female and she will allow him to mate with her. If his dance fails, she may fly away from him, attack him, or in rare cases, she may even kill him."

So basically, among these parakeets, foreplay is a very serious thing. If a guy doesn't have good moves, then he might not get any, and in fact, he might be killed. In essence, it's survival of the sexiest.

This got me to thinking about our reproductive habits. What if survival of the sexiest was the policy of human females? What if you could just kill a guy who kissed poorly, or touched you the wrong way? Based on what my female friends tell me about the guys they have known, there would be a lot of dead men. To hear some of them tell it, the streets would literally be lined with corpses.

Ladies, you are not immune, by the way. I could tell you horror stories that prove that it's not just men who haven't a clue when the lights go out - stories involving knife wielding in bed, doodling with menstrual blood, and orthodontic appliances caught in pubic hair - but that's another post. Several posts actually, and many therapy sessions, but I digress.

I submit that while killing someone for being bad in bed might be a bit extreme, you are well within your rights to put a stop to it. If the sex isn't good, why let it continue? Granted, anyone can have an off day, but after a few botched attempts, it's probably time to trade partners.

If you wish to adopt the survival of the sexiest policy, I think it's only fair to warn potential partners what they're getting into. A tee-shirt that reads, "I fuck like a parakeet" should be sufficient.

I'm calling Cafe Press right now...