The Ministry of Linus

A New Beginning

2011-03-13T14:43:00.001-06:00

All good things come to an end. In fact, all crappy things come to an end too, and that's what this post is about.

Yes, my exile in Black Vatican City is about to end. After 8 and a half years, I am finally leaving the Siberia of the Americas for good!

For some time now, the Papal Consort and I have been working on getting teaching jobs in Korea. There were applications, then resumes, then FBI background checks, diploma apostilles, transcripts, a video introduction, and then in the last few days, a phone interview and a job offer. The offer is great - they pay roundtrip airfare, housing, and 50% of insurance for a 30 hour work week with 10 days of paid vacation as well as paid national holidays. There is a catch, however - they want us there in ONE MONTH!

Not a long time when you have to reduce your worldly possessions to two suitcases and get shots and papers for your pets, while finishing and defending your master's thesis. It's going to be a terribly hard month, and I plan to record it in all its glorious stressfulness.

And that is where another thing comes to an end. This blog has had a good run; 885 posts stretching all the way back to February of 2004, and covering most of my time here at Black Vatican University. It has served that purpose well, but a new endeavor calls for a new chronicle. I have been wondering for years now what life change would be sweeping enough to finally put a stake in the heart of this old beast - I think selling practically everything I own and leaving the country is a perfect end. I will miss the role of Black Pope, but I think it's time to abdicate.

Of course, there will be a new blog - I'm far too much of an attention whore to let my little corner of the internet go dark completely. It will cover the Korean adventure, starting with the details of this final month in Laramie. I plan on making it more like an actual diary, with a ton of pictures. Tentatively it's called, Black-clad in Korea.

Please join us there, and share in our adventures abroad. We will be blogging almost daily, with pictures, maps, and observations, blended with our patented, secret recipe snark. We hope to see you all there!

Supporting Democracy

2011-02-25T21:31:00.002-07:00

Recently, ordinary folks have been taking to the streets and getting pretty rowdy around the world. First, we had the unrest in Tunisia, which led to the ousting of the government of president Abidine Ben Ali amid charges of corruption, lack of political freedoms, food shortages, and record unemployment numbers. Then the people of Egypt took to the streets to give Hosni Mubarak the boot for similar complaints. The spirit of dictator bashing soon spread to Libya, where the bloody rule of Moammar Gadhafi is slipping away.

It’s not just in Muslim countries – reports began to leak out today that there were anti-government protests in North Korea back on Valentine’s Day, and even right here in the USA, there are demonstrators taking to the streets in Wisconsin and Ohio to prevent the loss of collective bargaining rights for government workers.

These demonstrations have been pretty heart-warming to folks who love political freedom, democracy, and seeing the will of the people coming to pass. It reminds me a bit of the riotous beginnings of our own democracy, complete with civil unrest, vandalism, and the eventual overthrow of a leader who was more interested in lining his pockets than in giving the people good governance. Seems like a perfect photo and sound bite opportunity for politicians in America, to point out how much they love democracy and support those around the world who are fighting to make the common man heard. In fact, it seems like a perfect time to recall that the US revolution wouldn’t have gone so well without the support of the French.

So where are the statements of support from all the Joe Average, flag waving, freedom and democracy loving Conservatives out there?

If we had any sort of special effects budget, you’d hear the sound of crickets right now…

There aren’t any. In fact, the Conservative response to this wave of protests against oppressive regimes (and yes, that includes the Governors of Wisconsin and Ohio) has ranged from concerns about how it will affect gas prices to outright derision for the protesters and support for their ousted dictators. You see, the Conservative platform is not really about democracy, or family values, or taking the US back to a fictitious 1950s lifestyle – it’s about making sure that nothing interrupts the flow of money to the deepest pockets in the world. The very same people who claim to care so much about the democratic process and the ability of the people to hold their leaders accountable, are now criticizing the Obama administration for not taking a more active role in determining who will fill the shoes of Mubarak, Ben Ali, Gadhafi and the rest. Wouldn’t that be the responsibility of the ordinary people of those nations? Shouldn’t we support the will of the people being done? Instead, they are worried that the new leadership in those countries might stop being the fuel tank of the planet, and maybe finally get tired of the bullshit that is the Israeli situation and do something about it. This is probably the most telling example of what Conservative politicians actually represent that has come to light in the last 20 years.

So, the next time you see a candidate claiming that he supports the worker, the ordinary man, and freedom and justice for all, ask him where he was in the early days of 2011, when the Arab world was tossing out its hegemony, and Union workers in the heartland were struggling to keep their rights. Ask him if he supported the rights of those ordinary people.

And then prepare to be lied to.

Kites for Sale

2011-02-12T20:06:00.025-07:00

Getting down to the last few...

Where have you been?

2011-01-21T08:27:00.007-07:00

I've bumped into some friends lately who have said, "Hey... what happened to you? No blog posts, no tweets, no Facebook status updates... what's up with that?"

My answer is to share with you a typical 24 hours in my life.

02:00-03:00 - wake, shower, shave, breakfast, etc.
03:00-07:30 - work in labs
08:00-09:00 - sleep
09:15-13:00 - tutoring athletes
13:30 - lunch
14:00-17:30 - sleep
18:00-20:00 - mentoring athletes
20:15 - dinner, relax, etc.
22:15 - workout
23:00-02:00 - sleep

This is my schedule for most days of the week. While I'm at the labs I work on my thesis and job applications. Not much time for anything else.

I need a real job now, ok?

On the plus side, I've gotten so caught up in rushing from one job to another that I kind of forget to eat. My meals lately consist of heating a can of soup or cooking an egg or two. Both can be done quickly in the microwave, and both result in a meal that is not exactly satisfying, but it will keep you from dying. I'm just one more part-time job away from my goal weight...

First Post of the New Decade

2011-01-10T04:00:00.004-07:00

For the first day of the semester, I awoke to snow, negative temperatures (-11) and windchill advisories. Wyoming expects you to wrest the new year from it's icy clutches, or die trying.

In a break with the traditions of this blog, I let the holidays pass with only a cursory mention this year. I just didn't feel the same ire towards the crass commercialism that I usually do. It seemed less pervasive this year, as if merchants knew that the dismal job market called for a smaller Christmas. More likely, I just wasn't paying as much attention to it as I usually do.

I did notice that just after 2011 had begun (on the 2nd) Valentines day was upon us already at our local godless corporate megastores. About a decade ago I worked in a two million square foot warehose that sorted and delivered goods to those stores, and I recall the odd feeling of temporal displacement that came from handling pallets full of candy hearts and pink teddy bears around Thanksgiving. It made you aware of how structured and bureaucratized corporations really are. I knew that if I was seeing these pallets of goods intended for February sale in November, then some purchasing agent in Arkansas had ordered them in October, some factory in China was probably cranking them out back in August, from materials that were purchased in June, based on designs that were finalized around May. The level of planning that goes into separating you from your money makes one feel small and disorganized.

But we are back at school now, and getting organized is the order of the day. I've got my calendars set up and my tasks for the next few months are planned out. I have a few New years resolutions that actually started before the 1st and so far they have been going well. Today is day 24 of Tacfit Warrior for me, and I haven't missed a workout. I've also been soda-free and virtually caffeine free since Christmas Day - I say "virtually" because there are trace amounts of caffeine in one the teas I drink now. I know, I know - I am a famous tea-hater, but I have actually found three herbals that I can stand.

Overall, it hasn't been all that hard to give up soda - I had already tapered down to just one a day, so quitting wasn't as painful as it would have been back when I was fueled by caffeine alone. As for the workouts, I really like them. They are all bodyweight, so the only equipment required is a mat and some floor space. There is a lot of yoga built into the program, so I'm working on flexibility, muscle tone, and cardio all at the same time. It is a 4x7 schedule with recovery days built in too, so I'm not feeling wiped out by it.

In other news, I think my proposal is finally going to get approved. I had just a few more changes to make to satisfy a committee member. Those are made, so I should be in business. Once this part is over, it should go quickly - much of it is already written. I've also had several job opportunities pop up in the last two weeks, and I have an interview for the most promising one later today. With any luck, I will actually have a chunk of money in my pocket come graduation day... I will be hooded, and be free to leave this frigid tundra if I wish.

So far the decade of the 20-teens is looking good.

I look good in stripes...

2010-12-29T12:23:00.006-07:00

I have recently been involved in a discussion on Facebook about "hateful atheism," which has led to some interesting conversations with friends off-line as well. I tend to find the hardline arguments on both sides to be pretty absurd, so lately I've been taking on the role of "referee." In this capacity, I have noticed that the two sides make frequent use of non sequiturs ("Illegal Procedure, Theists - 5 yard penalty..."). Another favorite illegal argument is the ad hominem attack on the previous poster ("Unnecessary Roughness, Atheists - declined, the play stands.")

What is most fascinating to me, however, is how often they use the very same arguments. For example:

"I am saving them from X!"
In this case, X could be hell, or it could be irrationality. Both camps assert that their agenda is based in concern for the other. To both, I have to say, "no one believes you." The hardest fighters in each camp seem to be motivated mostly by dislike of the other side. I will admit that I find the "holier-than-thou" Christian pretty irritating, but no more so than the "more-logical-than-thou" atheist. Be honest folks - you don't like people who differ from you, because you are convinced your position is correct.

"I am sick of being pushed around by them!"
Both sides make some pretty ludicrous arguments about how oppressed they are. Christians; there is no war on Christmas. It's the largest, most universally observed holiday in the world - get over yourselves. Atheists; Christianity is not putting an end to science, reason, or logic. They are alive and well, and they have more impact on daily life now than they ever have - get over yourselves.

"But their ideology is dangerous!"
Yes - Religion has spawned wars and witch hunts and abuse... and science and reason continue to give us bigger and better ways to kill each other and destroy our health and that of the planet. Just about every ideology worthy of the title is guilty of something shitty, past or present. Let the ideology that is without a skeleton or 20 in its closet cast the first stone.

Now, if both sides of a given dispute are using the same arguments, it might indicate that they have other things in common. I think the commonality here is faith. No atheist wants to discuss it, but it is just as difficult to categorically prove that god doesn't exist as it is to prove that he does. Certainly, they can show that it is very unlikely that such a being exists, but improbability is not proof when you are dealing with a universe that is believed to be infinite (or a finite local universe within a larger megauniverse which is infinite in nature, if you're really into this sort of thing...). Just as theists take it on faith that there is a god, atheists have faith in his absence. To the atheist who argues that at least his belief is bolstered by logic and the scientific method, the theist will reply that his belief is based on his own experiences of the holy spirit or whatever he choses to call it. Regardless of the support, these are cases of belief, not certainty. Instead of these futile attempts to convince the other side, we could talk about ways that theists and atheists and everyone in between could coexist more smoothly. But then there would be no need for a ref - what fun is that?

So, this is Christmas...

2010-12-19T00:20:00.003-07:00

Friday is taking the hustle and bustle of Christmahanakwanzaka in stride. She likes her new hollowdaze dress well enough, but she was really hoping for an elf costume... maybe next year.

Actually, the reason she looks so calm in this picture is that she is high as a kite on Tramadol. She just got spayed yesterday, and her pain meds are keeping her very mellow. She's got a few days left on this prescription while her sutures heal, and I think it's making the craziness of the season much easier for her to handle. I recommend it for everyone at the holidays. The Tramadol I mean, not the spaying...

I have taken no end of shit from others in Flockhall for buying this little outfit. The very same people, mind you, who wanted desperately to dress her up for Halloween. I argued that she didn't need a halloween costume because she wasn't going trick-r-treating (she can't reach the doorbells) but she IS going to Grandma's house for Christmas, so a new outfit was a must. At least I stopped myself from getting the fuzzy red boots...

The Angries

2010-12-13T09:20:00.005-07:00

I don't want to be angry anymore.

I thought this lying in the dark a few nights ago, waiting for sleep. It's hard to imagine me without anger; it's my idiom, my identity. I have a black belt in anger; it's an emotional Swiss army knife for me - it has so many uses. I'm the guy who is funny because he's angry; in fact, I have a radio show because I'm that funny/angry guy. When faced with difficulties, I use anger as fuel to get through. We've talked many times on this blog about my competitive nature - that savage gameface is based in anger. I can wring what I want out of customer service reps with anger. I have pried open bureaucratic puzzles using anger like a crowbar. I can deflect and ignore pain through anger. In fact, with anger, I can put up a shield that Montgomery Scott would envy.

Despite all of that it carries a downside that far outweighs its usefulness. Regardless of how scathing my ire might be toward the topic of the moment, I always reserve my greatest fury for myself. I am often moved to trembling rage at my own lack of focus and forgetfulness. For example - I brought a bottle of flavored water with me to work today. Once I got in the building and got to work, I realized I had left it in the car. For some inexplicable reason, I was enraged by this. I am not dying of thirst, and I could easily slip away from my desk for a few seconds to retrieve it, but instead I spent a few minutes berated myself for not remembering it.

This was a minor incident. You should see the personal fury that can arise when I misplace my car keys or wallet. Worse yet are the days when I can't remember where my sunglasses are. These spacey moments sometimes create a rage in me that, albeit brief and self-contained, is still ridiculously out of proportion to the moment. I have, thankfully, become adept at containing these fits so that no one has to endure their full brunt but me, but this is pale comfort.

It should be noted that not all of my anger is without merit. If you can read the news and you're not angry, you're not paying attention. Wars, the economy, intolerance, and the short-sighted wrangling of our elected officials is reason enough to make the blood boil. It's just that I don't dissipate it well. I stay angry, to my own detriment.

It is a trained response, I think. There is the proper, healthy anger that aids you in survival situations, and then there is the anger that takes the place of other, more useful responses. In our modern world, there is little opportunity for the former; the greatest threats to my survival each day are my own eating habits, not actual struggles for life. In most cases, the anger I feel could be more productively replaced with another response - compassion, humor, etc.

I know - I'm late to the party on this. I know that most of you are thinking, "Yes - and this is why you're a jackass, Linus." Sorry. I'm slow. Better late than never, right?

Facebook 1, Blog 0

2010-12-05T00:12:00.010-07:00

Yikes - over a month without a post.

Is it because I'm too busy?
Is it because I'm working three jobs?
Is it because blogging is SO 2005?

Yeah, probably. But I'm going to blame it on Facebook.

I didn't understand Facebook at first. I've had a page for some time, but I never checked it unless I got an email telling me that someone had sent me a message on it. Even then I was irritated by it - I just didn't understand how people could spend any time on it. It always took me about 5 minutes to become bored by it, so I'd read my messages, remind the people who sent them that I could be reached on Gmail, and leave.

What irritated me about it was the way it turned the internet into a popularity contest on several levels. First, you have the question of friend count. Who has more than you, and why? Why is that person friends with her and not with you? Should I mine her friend list to increase my own? All pitiful things to ask yourself. Shouldn't your friends be more a matter of quality than quantity?

Then you have the daily contest of status updates. Should I be honest about what is actually on my mind, or is today a day for song lyrics, movie quotes, or your "Which Twilight Character are You?" quiz results? Score is kept in "likes" and comments, but it's not a simple process of addition. You must also figure in the content of the comments, subtracting half for those who both like and comment, and then you must consider the "likes" OF the comments - do you get those points, or do you share them with the commenter? I'm not sure - I believe the scoring system is actually based on a combination of the rules for the BCS rankings and Quidditch...

There are other arenas for Facebook combat as well. Pictures, for example - you can post, caption, tag, like, comment, untag, and generally bore everyone with the photos that aren't good enough to use as wallpaper on your phone. These fall into three broad categories; 1) profile pics so heavily 'shopped that your mom wouldn't recognize you, 2) horrible pics of you tagged by someone else, and 3) a category simply titled, "dude, we were so faded that night..." Incidentally, none of those albums are going to be particularly flattering to you twenty years from now when you run for office.

Despite how ridiculous I find this all to be, Facebook now occupies far too much of my time. For all its narcissism and shallow quantifications of net friend worth, it actually does what it claims to do - help people stay connected.

Do I think it might do that at the expense of face-to-face communication? Yes.
Do I worry that it is killing internet exchanges in longer formats? Absolutely.
Do I believe that it's creating an even more dysfunctional and self-aggrandizing generation than my own? Almost certainly, and that's saying something because let's face it, we Gen X babies are pretty much the poster children of me-theism. Never the less, it expands the neurological boundaries of our ability to establish network ties, allowing us to build "friendships" in numbers unknown to humans at any previous time in our existence. The ties are weak, certainly, but it is the sheer quantity that is remarkable - it has enabled humans to maintain sociality at a level beyond our cranial capacity. For that alone, it may be one of the most important things to arise on the internet so far.

So that's my excuse. I haven't blogged for over a month because I have become far too enthralled with Facebook. Sorry, but it's true. I'm sure that's not a shock to any of you - you probably got here via a Facebook link anyway...

Wandering the Wastes

2010-11-03T13:36:00.008-06:00

I didn't get to bed on time. There was a thesis meeting, then work until 9:00pm, then an election party, then... Fallout: New Vegas.

I am not thrilled with this game - not yet, anyway. I keep playing it because I am hoping to recapture all the fun I had in Fallout 3 as the "Last, Best Hope of Humanity" and savior of the D.C. Wastes, Tyranthraxus Malabraxacor Jones (I have a naming issue - let it go). But this game is decidely NOT Fallout 3.

It looks like Fallout 3, but some of the mechanical changes they've made in this game make no sense. For example - the changes to the chems in the game are pretty silly. I used to love the moments just before entering a lair full or baddies - shooting up a cocktail of Med-x and Psycho, then popping Mentats, huffing some Ultrajet, taking a hit of Buffout, and washing it all down with vodka and a Nuka Cola. There is nothing quite like assaulting a lair full of slavers armed only with a shotgun, a supersledge, and a pharmacy in your veins...

Ok, I get that the chems were too powerful before, and reducing their duration while increasing their addictiveness is a way to address that, but it feels like they've taken it too far. Last night, my little weenie of a character, Skinhead McTavish, had only barely achieved 4th level and he was already addicted to scotch, Med-X, Psycho, Mentats, and Steady - and he was most decidely NOT the raging methhead of death I was hoping he'd be. In fact, he was pitiful. He was, at one point, killed by a pack of coyotes. COYOTES, for fuck's sake. The mighty Mr. Jones would be appalled.

I am also underwhelmed with the changes they've made to the healing substances in the game. I want my hit points back NOW, damn it, not slowly over the next 20 minutes. That is decidedly shitty, especially when some Powder Ganger is lobbing dynamite at your crippled ass.

As irritating as these changes may be, they are a small thing compared to the utter bullshit that is the "skill magazine." For those who don't know, when you read a magazine in the game it increases your score in certain game skills. For example, when you read an issue of Locksmith's Reader, the game reflects your new knowledge by increasing your lockpick skill by 10 points. This make perfect sense until you realize that it wears off, just like a chem. Now, I don't mean you forget it after a month or two - you forget it in about 5 minutes. How exactly does that work?

This is just a poorly concealed attempt to insert the tired-ass fantasy gaming concept of magical scrolls into the post-apocalyptic world of Fallout. It effectively turns magazines into spells that improve your skills long enough to get you past a tough door or to unlock an important safe, and then expire. While I understand the desire of the game designers to offer the players found items ("treasure" if you will) that are helpful enough to be interesting, but not so helpful that they imbalance the game, I can't understand why they went this route with it. You could easily come up with a way of increasing skill scores that is wrapped in techno-babble more appropriate to the setting. Perhaps instead of a magazine, the character finds an electronic lockpicking device, and it only has a few uses left on its battery... or they discover a bottle of lubricant that makes lock innards move more easily, but there is only enough for one application in the bottle. Given how easy it is to come up with clever, skill-specific ways to temporarily increase a players game skills, this generic "there is a magazine for everything" approach seems kind of phoned in.

In fact, the claim that Fallout is just "Oblivion with guns" seems truer to me all the time. Except that I hated Oblivion, and couldn't care about it long enough to accomplish anything in it. My total time investment in it was about 45 minutes, and it only lasted that long because Patrick Stewart was talking to me...

That said, I will, no doubt, continue to play New Vegas. I am, at heart, a Pipboy...

Not Just a Job

2010-10-22T05:02:00.008-06:00

One of my jobs these days is tutoring student athletes. I took it for a number of reasons; I need the money, it looks good on resume/CV, it has flexible hours - but mostly it was for the money; the Pontifex Niger got to get paid. I am as poor as a church mouse these days, and not one of those non-denominational megachurches, either. Tutoring pays the least of my three jobs, but to my surprise, it's the best job I've had in a long time.

The students are all struggling to balance school with major sports commitments. They lift weights, they practice, they go to therapy for injuries, they watch game films, they attend meetings - and THEN they go do their homework. On the weekends they have games, so they often travel extensively. They are almost universally exhausted, and frequently they are not the most serious or attentive students.

Despite that, I really look forward to working with them. I have always enjoyed teaching, but this is a unique challenge. Usually, they come to see me because they are struggling in a subject. Most often it's Sociology, but I'm also helping some with Women's Studies, English Comp., and general academic writing. Their scholarships sometimes hang in the balance, so it's very rewarding for both of us when their grades begin to improve. Once they have a little taste of success, they start coming to tutoring sessions with more eagerness. They begin to see that they can master the material, and they start to see themselves differently. Many believe that they're "just an athlete," but once they begin to see Bs and As on their work they start to believe they can graduate. That kind of energy is infectious - even after putting in 12 hour days with them, I come home in a good mood.

The job is not without its frustrations, though. I am struck by how poorly some of them were prepared by their high schools - and not just high schools in the U.S. We like to bitch about the failings of the American education system, but I've seen international students who were no better off. It's easy to see that the battle between sports and academics began for most of them many years before they arrived at Black Vatican U. They need help now because someone years ago made the decision to let them slide, to pass them and let them just be jocks. It angers me, but I try to turn that anger into the energy to help them be better students.

This is just the latest in a long line of revelations that have pushed me to make some new choices. My exposure to the work of Jonathan Kozol, meeting Bill Ayers and hearing him speak, knowing Education majors like Mandy, G-Fresh, and SciFi Heroine, meeting all the candidates for State Superintendent during campaign events this year, and now this job - it's all pushing me toward Education as a career. Yes, I still want a PhD, but I think I have more to add to the field of Education than I ever would contribute to Sociology.

I have an appointment with a counselor in the College of Education next Wednesday. I'm looking into the Post-Baccalaureate Teacher Certification Program, to see how long it will take - I am still planning on leaving this town before next fall. If it can be done in that timeframe, I'm off to Financial Aid to see if I can afford it.

My Place

2010-10-12T05:27:00.006-06:00

Soon my time at Black Vatican U must come to an end. I know - I've said that before, but this time, I mean it. Once this thesis is defended and I've taught a class or two, I will have mined this place for all it has to offer me, aside from future letters of recommendation. As I plan for this departure, I am troubled. I don't know where to go.

You see, I have plenty of experience in living where I am not wanted. Not me personally, but me as a liberal, a Democrat, a non-Christian, a queer ally, and one of those damned elitist academic types. After almost a decade of being a politcal and cultural outsider, I'd like to find a place to live where my views are closer to the median.

I want to teach, either at the secondary or post-secondary level, without having to constantly pander to fundies and fanatics. I want my taxes to primarily fund social programs that build local communities, and not the defense budget. I want to live in a place that respects and supports the arts, multiculturalism, and the practice of the world's religions. This place should have ethnic diversity, and it should be celebrated. I have no idea where this place is.

In fact, I've been thinking for years now that this place is no longer in the U.S. Throughout my adult life I've been consistently stepping to the Left, while much of America has been stumbling to the Right. Even as we elected a black Democrat to be POTUS I knew it was too little, too late. As the GOP and the Teabaggers shriek about Socialism and Fascism, I find that he's nowhere near as far Left as I'd like. I want him to socialize medicine, empower labor, regulate the hell out of banking, and put the nuts of the corporations in a vice. I'm not just marching to a different drummer here - I'm in a completely different parade.

When I try to match an actual country to my fantasies about this place, I always end up looking at places like Sweden or Holland. Do I really have to learn a new language and move overseas just to live among my kind?

Black and Bloody

2010-09-30T00:53:00.010-06:00

The Pontifex Niger is not a crafty guy. He doesn't knit or crochet, nor does he needlepoint. In fact, he hasn't made a gift for anyone since he was 5, when the Montessori Nazi, Mrs. Detweiler, made him trace around his hand and then color it like a turkey. (My mom dragged it out for Thanksgiving every year until I was 14...)

This failing - my craftlessness - was a problem, as "craftsman" was on my list of skills that a well rounded Pontiff should have. In my ongoing quest to better serve the Flock, I had to learn how to make something with my bare hands (just to clarify - my years in the SCA taught me how to make armor and impact weapons out of plastic, leather, metal, and tons of duct tape, but it's hard to turn those into gifts unless you're celebrating "zombie apocalypse day"). Ideally, said gifts would be made of materials that were cheap, easy to acquire, utilitarian, and manly. I turned to my old friend Google, and there I rediscovered the miracle that is parachute cord.

Also known as para cord or 550 cord, it is an amazingly useful material. It's really handy in survival situations - it can replace a shoelace, lash up a rainfly, make a snare for food, or tie a splint on a broken bone. It is easy to work with, requiring nothing more than a knife and a lighter for most projects. It is also stupidly strong, it comes in a ton of colors, and there are plenty of pages on the net giving step by step instructions for projects. I began by acquiring a quantity of it in the colors of the Sable Primate - black and bloody.

Rather than make something for a human, who might not like it, and who would then feel obligated to act like they liked it, I decided to make something for the dog. The Papal Puppy can't talk (yet) so it is only the suspicious cast of her eyes that tells us how much she loved my first project - a dog collar. Despite being very strong and durable, para cord is quite soft and comfy. This is little Friday's favorite collar for a long day of rushing to the end of her leash and gagging herself.

Naturally, this collar needed a leash, and I decided to go all out with a two color round braid. It's a bit too long (about 9 feet), made of two continuous strands of para cord, with a self handle made by back braiding the ends. The round braid gives it a nice bit of elasticity, but it is still strong enough for just about any dog. I may be making a few of these as gifts for the dog people I know at the hollowdaze this year. This one has already gotten many compliments at puppy kindergarten.

Given the success of the doggy goods, it was time for a people project. I began a bracelet for SciFi Heroine, but another excellent opportunity presented itself. In exchange for (an incredibly large box of) fabulous homemade soap, I offered to make bracelets for Mayren and her husband. The bracelets pictured here were the result - it is fitting that the Number 1 fangirl of the Ministry should have the first two official Black Vatican Survival Bracelets. I used hemostats to get the weave really tight and even, and I think they turned out quite nicely.

Flush with my success, I returned to the bracelet for SciFi Heroine. I let her pick the colors (hence the deviation from black and bloody), and I tried a different pattern - a double weave that yields a wider, thicker bracelet. The result was much better than I expected, I must confess. Apparently, she likes it too, because I had to pry it off her wrist to get a pic of it - she's been wearing it constantly since I finished it. I am planning one for myself as my next project.

If Mrs. Detweiler could only see me now...

Friday Update

2010-09-17T06:49:00.001-06:00

(See what I did with the title? It's about the puppy, and it's posted on a Friday... that's what makes it funny... ahem.)

Miss Friday is now officially the most successful competitor living in Flock Hall (Cabbage Shane is 2-0 in the MMA cage, but Friday is 3-0 in, um, terrier stuff). The blue ribbons at right were collected a few weekends ago at the 10th Cowboy Classic Terrier Trials in Douglas, WY. She won her division - bitches 4 to 6 months - in racing, hurdles, and conformation. I grant that the field was very small, but hey, a blue ribbon is a blue ribbon. She will be attending another rally in October, down in Colorado. In the meantime she's looking at some shoe deals, and the Milkbone people are in negotiations with her agent about putting her on the box...

In other news, a wave of nostalgia is sweeping Flock Hall - at least where the furniture is concerned. Some of you may remember the "Ghetto Fabulous Wall Unit" from Flock Hall 1.0 (shown here behind the papal guitars). A new wall-mounted television and a rearranged "situation room" spurred the desire to resurrect this grad school haute furnishing. After a quick meeting of the Black Vatican finance committee (involving a ceramic pig and a hammer) the materials were acquired and piled in a corner.

Professional technicians were flown in from Pisa for the precision stacking required to create this piece of PoMo/Decon anti-shelving. Here we see one of the stackologists making tiny adjustments to the footings. This piece is smaller than the original, which was 12 feet long and 6 feet high, but it still stands well over 5 feet high and 8 feet wide. It completely covers the north wall of the situation room, and provides secure locations for the cable box, router, modem, and PS3. There is also room for a Wii and 360 (hint hint, Crimbo is coming!).

Here we see the finished unit, complete with wall-mounted flat screen. Yes, it was expensive, but that's just how we roll here at Flock Hall. Ok, actually, that just how one of the inmates, Shane called Boy (not to be confused with Cabbage Shane), rolls. He takes his gaming seriously, and a big TV with HD capability was a must for him to fully enjoy his PS3 experience. He is quiet and seriously adicted to the new Starcraft, so he spends a lot of his time in his room with his PC. He also returns from work almost every night with either pizza or hot wings. Flock Hall needs more inmates like him...

Boy has has also recently added a really comfy recliner to the situation room, which is giving it a nice "man cave" feeling. I'm sitting in it as I compose this missive, and I feel like John Colicos commanding the Cylons. Or John Colicos commanding the IKS Klothos. Either way, it involves sitting in a big chair with your legs spread so wide everyone knows you're in charge... Yes, HSBP commands you to seek out the ragtag fugitive fleet... and bring me the blonde socialator, Cassiopeia, the dumb one...

Why Johnny can't vote...

2010-09-14T10:45:00.007-06:00

Democracy only works if the people vote for their best interests. I know, this sounds like a no-brainer, but people frequently vote contrary to their own interests in support of a given ideology. For example - Teabaggers, who are mostly 40+ are voting for candidates who wish to abolish Social Security. I acknowledge that a candidate's platform is complicated and you shouldn't decide based on one issue, but it's hard to imagine a combination of positions that could outweigh not getting back all the money you've paid into Social Security over the course of your working life. There are other examples - Log Cabin Republicans spring to mind...

There are several ways to explain this phenomena. The optimistic explanation relies on an educated, informed populace. We assume that these voters have studied the platforms of the candidates, carefully weighed each, then chosen the one who most closely represents their interests. If this is the case, then democracy is functioning (assuming the candidates are being honest about their positions - but that's a topic for another day...).

Another explanation relies on an uninformed populace - or at the very least, a populace that is only informed selectively on certain topics. These voters are swayed by the 4th Estate and convinced to vote outside their best interests, usually by way of fear. This fear can take any form, and as we've seen of late, it doesn't even need to be a real threat - anchor/terror babies, Socialism/Communism/Fascism, non-citizen president, death panels, etc.

Even this would be tolerable if the goal of the press was an even-handed coverage of the events. They tell would-be journalists in college that their mission is exactly that. They are led to believe that their task is accurate reporting without bias. Unfortunately, the goal of the press is much simpler than that - profit. Since it is easier, as Alexis De Tocqueville pointed out, for the world to accept a simple lie than a complex truth, it is easier for the press to make money when it simplifies and sensationalizes. There is very little incentive to present the events in-depth, nor to present them with all of their complexities intact.

This is why so many people vote in baffling ways, and why our democracy doesn't bring the will of the people to fruition. I've come to the conclusion that the only solution to this issue is education, and it's not a cure - just a treatment. Even if we educate the citizenry to a very high level of critical thinking competency, they can only work with the data to which they have access.

So - there's your depressing ramble for the day. I welcome more positive views from the cyberFlock.

Bonfire of the Stupidities

2010-09-11T12:22:00.006-06:00

The news this week has been dominated by Koran burning and all its ramifications. I’m not going to talk about that specifically – more than enough media coverage has already been given to Reverend Bushy McMuttonChops and his merry band of hillbillies for Jesus. No, instead, I’m going to step away from the religious elements of this case, and appeal to a higher ideal…

In 1644, the English Civil War was in full swing. Roundheads and Cavaliers were busily killing one another over conflicting ideas like the origin of governmental power, parliamentary representation, and the divine right of kings. The internet was notoriously slow in those days, so these ideas were largely promulgated by way of published books and pamphlets. (You remember books - those things that work like a Kindle but with only one file in memory...)

Naturally, each side of the conflict tried to regulate and prohibit said publishing – Parliamentarians opposed tracts advocating monarchy as god’s will, while the crown tried to stamp out any essay that advocated, say for instance, regicide. Parliament had already passed a law called the Licensing Order which restricted publishing quite severely. Basically, no one could print anything without the imprimatur of Parliament, and they tightly controlled any text they considered radical or polemic.

Despite being a devout parliamentarian himself, the great John Milton could not support the restriction, censoring, or destruction of books. In response he penned what is still considered one of the most compelling arguments of all time for free speech – Areopagitica.

Named for the Areopagus, the hill in Athens where the city elders and Archons met to discuss legal and philosophical matters, Areopagitica is an eloquent defense of the exchange of ideas that the written word represents. He speaks of the sanctity of books, of their inherent worth, saying, “For books are not absolutely dead things, but do contain a potency of life in them to be as active as that soul whose progeny they are; nay, they do preserve as in a vial the purest efficacy and extraction of that living intellect that bred them.”

He argued, and rightly so I think, that any harm done to a book, regardless its content, is a harm done to freedom of thought and to reason. He writes, “[A]s good almost kill a man as kill a good book. Who kills a man kills a reasonable creature, God's image; but he who destroys a good book, kills reason itself, kills the image of God, as it were in the eye." Books, for Milton, were the distillation and avatars of reason.

Most importantly, Milton argued that no idea was too radical to be allowed to exist in print, saying, “Give me the liberty to know, to utter, and to argue freely according to conscience, above all liberties.” Well over a century before our Bill of Rights, Milton planted the seed that inspired our founding fathers to protect free speech. It’s the phrase – “according to conscience” - that elevates this above just the right to verbally be a jackass. It’s actually about debate and the pursuit of reason.

So regardless of a book’s contents, regardless of your feelings about it, regardless of the misanthropic, misogynistic, warmongering, mythology between the covers, I’m with Milton when he says, ‘Let her [Truth] and falsehood grapple; who ever knew Truth put to the worse, in a free and open encounter?’

With that in mind, I’ll be the first to say that anyone who wants to burn a book that he owns has the right, but I believe that in doing so he violates a law higher than the Constitution. He offends reason itself.

Freedom

2010-09-10T21:14:00.003-06:00

Today, I am free.

Free of my 8 to 5, Monday through Friday job.
Free of the business casual wardrobe.
Free to grow facial hair again.

Unfortunately, I'm also free of the encumbrance of disposable income...

To clarify, I still have a job. I need to finish up my thesis, and the full-time office gig was really putting a cramp in that process, so I'm back in the labs where I can write while I work.

It's not like the old days back in BS37, however. That lab was in a windowless basement, peopled by insomniacs, exchange students, the homeless, and for about 2 weeks each semester, the desperate (I'd guess the picture on the right was made circa 2006...). The carpet was old and stained by years worth of spilled finals coffee. There were no "work stations" - just rows of PCs on long tables, tethered to the outside world by a tangled rope of cords on the floor. There was nothing slick or clever about BS37 - it was simply the only 24-hour lab on campus. It was the place you went to drink vending machine coffee and crank out an all-nighter, and you were glad it existed.

Now, there are other 24-hour labs, including my current station in the ITC building. We have lost the condensing effect of having just one overnight lab. The old BS37 concentrated the sleepless of the university in one place - it was the guildhall of the shadow population, as was foretold in prophecy...

"And the vampire and the freak shall surf together, and they shall all be nourished by caffeine." II Laramites, 4:20

What this means for you, the nostalgic few who still read this blog, is that I will be able to post more frequently again. I even have the next few posts planned - a rant about book burning, a review of Mayren's beautiful handmade soaps, a couple video posts about life at Flock Hall, a new Sunday Sermon, and a few more posts about Friday the Wonder Dog.

Now, back to your usual Friday night activities.

Friday is Pissed

2010-09-08T03:47:00.005-06:00

They say pets resemble their owners, so naturally my little girl is a determined, implacable beast, rarely satisfied with her surroundings, who is irked by the thickness of the humans around her.

Ok – I might be anthropomorphizing her a bit, but I believe Friday has good reason to be irritated. From her point of view, Black Vatican City is a backwater. Let me share a bit of what she has pointed out to me…

First, there is the lack of a decent pet shop in this town. Whenever we need equipment or supplies, we are forced to drive to either Cheyenne or Fort Collins in order to shop in a store with any sort of selection. I realize that Laramie has a smaller population than those cites, but based on the number of dogs I see at the dog park every afternoon, there is clearly a market here.

Speaking of the dog park – it’s a joke. A rectangle of chainlink does not a dog park make. It’s important that a dog park be escape proof – the point is to be able to let your dog go off lead without the worry of him getting lost. Now I realize that a two gate “airlock” type entry, like those on the dog parks back in my old ‘hood in the unHoly Lands of So Cal might be beyond the budget of this city, but is it too much to ask that the gate actually meet up with the fence so that dogs can’t slip through or under it? Our current gate won’t stop any determined dog under 30 pounds.

Another issue is the terrain of the park itself. In order for a dog park to be useful and safe, it needs to have a decent surface like grass or crushed bark that can be easily policed for droppings – not knee high weeds and dirt. Oh, and by the way, policing your dog’s droppings is not just a suggestion. Start picking them up people, or I’m going to pick them up for you, find out where you live, and use them to paint comments on your house about your daughter’s chastity.

Finally, there are simply too many dogs (and other animals, for that matter) who are homeless in this town - and probably in your town too. Statistics indicate that the majority of dogs in shelters are animals that have been surrendered/abandoned by their owners – that means some jackass went out, got a puppy, then got tired of it and dumped it. That might be ok for your weekly foray into the shallow end of the gene pool at the Buckhorn, but it’s not kosher with a dog. A dog is a 10-15 year commitment, one that the dog has no intention of giving up on - so don’t start unless you plan to finish. Every one of those dogs in the shelter is representative of a human failure, and every one of them that ends up dead is a testament to our thoughtlessness.

If you want to do something about this, there are many ways you can help. Donate to local shelters, report cases of neglect or abuse, spay or neuter your animal companions, and when it’s time for you to get a new one, adopt. If you could do just that much, I’m sure Friday would be much less disappointed in you all…

I Spare You the Details

2010-08-29T22:40:00.004-06:00

Ordinarily, this blog is filled with anecdotes about the hijinks and shenanigans of your favorite faux religious leader, HSBP. Lately, however, the life of His Sinfulness has been so dull, so repetitive, so mind-numbingly quotidian, that posting the details is actually prohibited by law or the Geneva Convention or something. Over the years, desperation has driven me to post many things, but I draw the line at human rights violations.

Instead, we bring you Friday Furious with her interpretive dance, La Joie du Traitée (The Joy of the Treated).

New Inmate

2010-08-16T00:09:00.011-06:00

Ok, so it's been forever since I posted. But look - PUPPY!
Her name is Friday, and she is a 12 week-old Jack Russell Terrier. It's not really her fault that I haven't been posting, but as you can see, she is very distracting, and she knows it. This is her "sincere" face. "But daddy, I really NEED another biscuit..."

Just getting a decent picture of her has been a real challenge. I went through over 50 still images and about 30 minutes of video footage just to find what I've posted here. Almost every shot was a blur, or too dark, or a picture of her licking/chewing the camera. In other words, she is a healthy, normal Jack Russell puppy.

When she is tired, she likes to crash on a lap. She is not concerned about which lap - any will do.

I am uploading a video of terrible quality to YouTube right now. It is honestly the only one that is even remotely watchable. My camera needs a lot of light to get a decent picture and this was shot at night, but it's still worth immortalizing as it was actually taken the night we brought her home.

As soon as I get up tomorrow I'll get it embedded for you - right now I have to get to bed so that I can be on time for another day in the salt mine - I mean, the office.

That could be the segue into a lengthy rant about my job, but I will spare you the details. The people, including my supervisor, are nice, but the computer systems are nightmarishly old and the students are sometimes less than civil. Suffice it to say that working for Dunder Mifflin would be preferable. Perhaps I'll bore you all with the details at a later date.

In the meantime, sleep well.

Place Holder Post

2010-08-10T09:24:00.002-06:00

New job is hell - no time to tell you all about it until this weekend.

Got a new puppy. There are pics and video, but it's all raw footage in need of cleaning up - also postponed until this weekend.

This post will be replaced with an actual post very soon, probably on Saturday. Sorry for the lameness.

Confessions of a Census Taker

2010-07-24T23:50:00.006-06:00

For the last few weeks I've been driving the back roads of our area, working for the US Census. My job was checking on vacant residences and buildings that aren't actually used as residences. Often I had to use my GPS to find buildings on roads like "Sawdust Trail," "Bobcat Ridge," "Warden Ridge," and "Ax Handle Road." All of these roads are some combination of dirt and gravel, they often don't have signs identifying them, and some of them are "seasonal," meaning they disappear or become impassable in the winter and reemerge each spring. These roads tend to migrate away from low patches - if there's a puddle in the existing road that looks too deep and muddy to drive through the locals will just drive around it, forging a new curve and slowly moving the road toward higher, drier ground.

I will miss this job. I got to set my own hours, I had minimal oversight so long as I produced, and they paid me fairly for my time, and generously for mileage. I drove through some of the most beautiful country that Albany county has to offer, and met some genuinely nice people along the way. Out in the fields around these roads I saw deer, antelope, prairie dogs, and hawks with relative frequency, fox and coyote less often, and people less still. I walked around homesteads that were established before Wyoming was a state, marked by crumpled and broken fence lines and houses that were as spooky as anything in a horror movie. I also saw how brush and the elements are slowly taking those places back.

I tend to bitch about Wyoming a lot, but mostly it's the cold that makes it miserable for me. Now that my allergies have subsided (mostly) I can admit, grudgingly, that it's kind of pretty around here. This time of year it's well worth getting off the paved roads for a bit and doing some exploring. Be careful, however - I have encountered some unsavory things out in the county as well.

The mosquitoes and other biting bugs are quite savage out there, especially near standing water. Although I never saw one, my nose told me that there were skunks around, and I'm sure there are rattlesnakes in this area, too. Up near Centennial, I nearly got run over by a deer that was sleeping under the porch of a cabin. I startled her as I walked up to knock on the door and she suddenly burst from the bushes when I was about 4 feet away. Good thing I have a strong heart.

As usual, the worst things that happened to me were caused by humans. The guy on that private quarry road was no fun at all, informing me that I was trespassing as he glared menacingly down at me from his huge rock hauler. There was also the family with the Tea Party signs in the windows of their mobile home who refused to answer the census questions because they "distrust the government, just like the founding fathers intended when they wrote the Bill of Rights." (I tried to explain to them that the Census is actually mandated by the Constitution, but they weren't interested in a history lesson just then...)

I also saw abject poverty that made parts of the county feel like a third world nation. I saw families living in housing so dilapidated that it was barely adequate for summer in Wyoming, much less the cold winds to come. I took census data from several women who were far too young to have that many children already, and I met more than one elderly person whose eagerness to chat spoke clearly about the loneliness of old age. One old ranch wife insisted on inviting me into her spotless kitchen to fill out the census form, and during that seven-minute interview I had to decline three offers of food and drink. She told me that my laugh reminded her of one of her boys, back when he was still working the ranch. I hated to leave.

If such a job existed, I could happily drive about EVERY day, looking for vaguely defined spots on a map. To really excel at it, I would need a better GPS device, a vehicle with higher clearance, and cell phone service with better coverage. I would also need a big bottle of insect repellant, and some binoculars would be good, too. If you hear of such a job, let me know; it's hard to go back to cubicle life when you've had the dashboard as your desk for a while.

Filthy Lucre

2010-07-20T00:47:00.004-06:00

Blessed employment. I have achieved it again. (And no, it is not a result of the job interview I mentioned a few posts ago; I am relatively certain they wrote me off as a drooling idiot as soon as I left the room.)

I begin this new job on the 27th. I'll give more details on it once I get the lay of the land a bit, but for now it is sufficient to say that I am returning to the exciting world of Student Financial Aid. I am also returning to the exciting world of having money again, which is good, since real poverty was just around the corner.

I have to spend my first few paychecks getting my accounts built back up to comfortable levels, establishing a savings plan, and replacing all of the furniture and accouterment that is disappearing when my roommates move out. Once they all leave, the living room will be empty, save for a lonely little PS3 sitting in the corner with no TV to play it on...

After that, however, I will eventually have a tiny bit of disposable income, and I have plans. Vain, frivolous plans, like having the Popemobile detailed, buying new cassocks, and getting my back waxed - a pontiff has to treat himself once in a while.

Subtle

2010-07-16T01:23:00.006-06:00

Today someone said to me, "you're a gentleman and a scholar."

It was said lightly, in passing. Naturally, I took it to heart and got all angsty over the possible meanings of it.

"Scholar" I will accept, as I am nothing if not a researcher. It was the "gentleman" part that gave me pause. I really wish I was a more gentle man. Back in my SCA days, a friend once described my fighting style as "subtle, like a chainsaw." Unfortunately, that is true of me in other ways, especially verbally. I mentioned this a couple posts back, and it has been on my mind ever since. I was given a t-shirt, custom printed just for me, by a friend years ago that sums up the issue quite well. It reads, "I love all humanity - it's people I can't stand."

Various schools of Buddhism use different techniques to instill gentleness, or "loving kindness" in their adherents. I should have been using one of them as my primary practice for years now. At the very least, I should have been doing something to knock the rough edges off.

Of course, age has a way of doing that for you; I'm actually not nearly so blunt as I used to be. I wish I could say it's the result of accumulated wisdom, but there is also the possibility that I'm just getting tired. Living a full court press all the time is exhausting. Regardless of the cause, at this rate, I will be truly gentle in another 60 or 70 years...

Interview

2010-07-14T20:24:00.006-06:00

So... I had a job interview today, which I completely borked.

I ordinarily interview quite well, but today I looked like a moron. They began the interview by asking if I knew what they did. Rather than launching into what I had learned of their operation from their website and from seeing the results of their work crossing my desk in Financial Aid I said, "well, I've heard a lot of your spots on public radio..."

Slick, no? As they rehash the applicants later, I am sure to be remembered for that powerful opener, but not in the good way. I am so tired of being unemployed, but I'm even more tired of trying to sell myself to potential employers.

Perhaps it's time to return to my previous occupation. I'm sure some warehouse somewhere needs a forklift driver. And who wouldn't want a forklift driver with three humanities degrees?

I'm going to go drink over the draft of my thesis now.

Plant Sex Afterglow

2010-07-09T01:12:00.010-06:00

Four things to report...

1) The annual plant orgy that makes it impossible for me to go outside appears to abating. I like to imagine them (the plants to which I am allergic) all kicking back smoking cigarettes and trying to decide if they should stay for breakfast or get out while the getting is good.

2) Last night, I was able to breathe well enough to go out for my first run in two weeks. Well, actually I am still unable to breathe through my nose, but my chest is clear enough. Thankfully, I don't seem to have lost much endurance - I was able to do the 25 minute workout without a break, and without residual soreness today. The barefoot/Vibram running style is making it possible for me to put in longer runs, more often. I easily could have run again today, but I didn't want to push it too quickly as I'm coming back from a layoff. I am torn between being glad that I discovered this running method, and wanting to firebomb Nike headquarters for convincing us all that we need thick-soled motion control shoes.

The good news is, I am no longer struggling with shinsplints and knee pain. The bad news is, this limits my running season even more. Without the protection of a thick sole, the ground will be WAY too cold to run on pretty early in the Fall. My guess is that by the middle of October it will be too cold to run outside, and it will stay that way until about April. My best hope is that I get one of the jobs at the university for which I have applied so that I'll have access to the indoor track, or I will have to buy a treadmill.

3) Vibram recently introduced a new shoe designed specifically for running - the Bikila. The line is named after the famous Ethiopian runner, Abebe Bikila, who won the 1960 Olympic Marathon, barefoot. He not only won it, but he set a world record of 2:16:20 on the cobblestones of Rome. During my childhood, the pictures of him winning that race were iconic. They were later replaced with Frank Shorter and Joan Benoit, but those color photos never seemed to have the same impact as the grainy black and whites of Bikila leading all of the shod runners in the final miles at Rome.

I hope Vibram has the permission of Bikila's estate to name this shoe after him (Bikila died tragically in 1973 at the age of 41, from injuries sustained in a car accident 4 years earlier). I wonder if his four children are profiting from the sales of this $100 shoe...

The jury is still out on their durability, comfort, etc., but everyone agrees that the color combo for women (pictured) is truly hideous. Rumor has it that a red/white/grey and a blue/white/grey are available or soon will be. If they receive positive reviews, I might consider a pair when my current Vibrams (KSOs) wear out. I hope they have them in black by then...

4) I'm a huge, tactless jackass. Not news, I know, but I was reminded of it recently when a friend said to me, "I feel ok talking to you about this because I know you won't sugarcoat it."

If folks only come to me for tough love, I guess I'm ok with that, but here I was, thinking that I had made strides toward being more sensitive to others in conversation. Apparently, the sword that is my tongue is just as sharp as ever.

Bedtime Cocktail

2010-07-01T22:49:00.005-06:00

Due to circumstances beyond my control - a wet spring, a head cold, and an outdoor campaign event - I have been quite ill for the last week. So ill that I haven't been running or lifting. This makes me cranky.

I don't generally accept illness. You see, I grew up in a house where the motto was "better living through chemistry." My mother is a nurse anesthetist turned academic, but her true calling in life is pharmacology, so she firmly believes there is a pill for most everything, and the rest requires a syringe. I was taught that one should not acknowledge one's symptoms - just medicate them away and go about your business. Your immune system likes to work behind the scenes - it's best when you don't micromanage it. Mom was also a master of drug interactions - she was an expert at concocting exactly the cocktail to suit all your symptoms at once, with no ill effects. On one Sunday afternoon in the '80s she successfully treated me for back spasms, a hangover, depression, and swimmer's ear, solely with the pills in her purse. That was a hell of a weekend, by the way...

Now that I no longer live near enough to my mother to request a concoction for every little sniffle, I have become my own mixologist. We here at the Hayfever Lounge take our nightcaps seriously, so I've put a lot of research into this. As a big man with Irish tolerances and epic allergies, I need something that can knock out my cough, stop the itchy nose and runny eyes, clear the congestion enough so I can lie down without feeling like I'm drowning, and overcome my daily caffeine intake (two 20oz diet Mt. Dews) so I can sleep. A tall order, I know, but the current "house special" is getting the job done. Here's the recipe...

Ingredients:
NielMed Sinus Rinse
NyQuil Liquicaps
Claritin
Afrin Nasal Spray
Theraflu Warming Relief formula
Ricola Cherry Honey Cough Drops
paper umbrella (optional)

First, rinse sinuses with neti pot and NeilMed Sinus Rinse. Spray two shots of Afrin in each newly cleared nostril. (Gagging slightly at this point is normal.) Throw back two Nyquil Liquicaps and a Claritin with a shot of Theraflu. (I find the "cherry lighter fluid" flavor mixes with and destroys the taste of the Afrin better than the "orange paint thinner" flavor.) Chase with a Ricola cough drop to stop the heaves.

Not quite what mom used to make, but we can never get those recipes right anyway, can we? The missing ingredient is always love...

After this, I recommend brushing your teeth and going straight to bed, as the onset can be quite sudden. Last night, I had one of these and sat down to play BioShock 2. About 10 minutes later I drooling on my chest and Big Daddy was stuck head-first in a corner, getting humped by splicers.

Remember kids, don't do drugs, and don't drink (cold meds) and drive. Stay in school.

The Addiction

2010-06-28T13:23:00.001-06:00

On top of my allergies, I am experiencing my first summer cold in a long time. One of the Flockhall inmates shared it with us, then left for vacation; the bastard. I am simultaneously sweating and chilled, and I have a cough that is best described as "chunky" and "nasty-ass."

I've discovered that I am also suffering from the worst illness of all - civilization. Some events of late have conveyed to me in painful detail just how far removed I am from the natural state. I was, not that long ago, quite capable out in the world, but I am all soft underbelly now. I am, like so many in America, dying from our collective success.

We have succeeded in removing so many of the dangers (and excitements) from our lives, that our senses have become dulled, and our reflexes along with them. We are deadened, taking in the world around us through various filters - air conditioners, LCD monitors, UV glass in our cars, earbuds, shoes, etc. You could say that we are addicted to altering the experience. Unfortunately, the undiluted experience is what transforms. It's the friction that grinds away the rough edges, that forces us to grow. By dulling the experience we stagnate. We become soft, fat, overindulged, and whiny.

The solution? I'm not sure yet, but for starters I know I need to get outside more. That's hard to imagine right now, when everything that blooms is trying to kill me. I've already bored you all with my allergy woes in the past, so I won't go over it again. Suffice it to say that I will not be going outside for extended periods until I wake up without my throat feeling a skinned knee. Once that happens, however, some hiking and trail running is in order.

Blisters

2010-06-25T00:23:00.008-06:00

If you've read my other blog in the last few days, you know that I gave myself a few blisters by going running barefoot. It was a very short run (only .6 mile), just to start the long process of toughening up my feet, but clearly I haven't been in direct contact with the ground for a very long time. I've been practicing the barefoot style of running, using very minimal shoes and striving for a high-cadence mid-foot stride, but I had not put my tootsies directly on the pavement until Tuesday.

Blisters are actually a good training tool for barefoot running. Assuming the pavement you are running on is not scorching hot, if you get blisters you know that your foot is not relaxed, or that you are pushing or twisting in some way with each step; it's an ouchy indicator of stride problems. If it hurts or leaves marks, you're doing it wrong.

The idea that pain can be diagnostic or instructive is foreign to modern Western sports training - the exercise and fitness industry tries to convince us all on a daily basis that a painless 20 minutes, 3 times a week is all it takes to look like a member of the Greek pantheon. It's a concept common to traditional martial arts, however. An example from Karate is the makiwara, or punching board. It's basically a square post sticking up out of the ground, padded at the top with a bundle of straw wrapped up in rope. It trains the karateka to make a proper fist, and to deliver a focused strike. Failing to do either of those things results in immediate feedback - it hurts. Hitting the makiwara correctly can hurt a bit too, but the first time you don't keep your fist tight or you don't land the punch squarely on the first two knuckles, you KNOW you did something wrong. Blisters are much the same for the barefoot runner

Based on the blisters I've got at the moment, my right foot was doing something very wrong. I have a blister on the ball of my foot that was practically crippling yesterday - today it's just irritating, but still enough to keep me from running. I have been fussing over these owies since I got them on Tuesday. They've been drained, trimmed, disinfected, and lotioned, but they will only heal so fast. Missing three days of running is unacceptable; there are races I want to be ready for later in the summer, I just moved up in my running program to 25 minute intervals, and I am close to meeting a couple of my goals on the Nike+ site... And that's when it hit me.

I miss running.

I am actually jonesing for a run.

I know - you're stunned. So am I. This is ME we're talking about here; Mister "I-didn't-train-with-weapons-for-years-to-run-from-shit."

When I was told that I had to run a 2 mile qualifier at the State Patrol Academy I asked the instructor why. He said it was to simulate chasing a suspect, to which I replied, "isn't that why we have cars?"

When I was asked to participate in a fundraiser at the University of Nebraska, I chose the 50 mile bike ride instead of the 5k run.

My zombie apocalypse preparedness plan has always been, "You go ahead - I'll hold them off until you come back with help."

Despite all this, I find myself grousing about not being able to run. I am beginning to doubt my foundations. I feel as though I might wake up tomorrow and say, "no, thanks - I don't like chocolate anymore. Also, I've given my life to Jesus and registered as a Republican."

To be honest, running is something I've always wanted to like. It appeals to my ideals about simple, natural fitness. It doesn't require a gym membership or thousands of dollars worth of special equipment, it's something we all learn to do when we're toddlers, and it's the foundation of so many other sports. It's also the ultimate form of self-reliance; if the world falls into utter Thunderdome chaos tomorrow, it's comforting to know that I will be able to get to the food riots and slave arenas in a timely fashion on my own two feet.

So you see, I like the idea of running - the problem for me has always been the running itself. I was actually pretty fast as a kid; I remember running the 40 in Jr. High football and having the second fastest time on the team. I ran the 220 in track and did pretty well (26 seconds flat in 9th grade). It was the longer distances, however, that screwed me up. I was told by well-meaning coaches to lengthen my stride when I wasn't sprinting, stretching my legs out in front of me so that I was heel-striking with every step. Years of shinsplints, bruised heels, knee pain, and clunky, motion-control shoes made me hate running.

Now I'm trying to run like a child again. Without heel strike, without padded shoes, and without so much concern for long, fluid leg motion. People who run with that motion are built like gazelles - long thin legs and low-fat bodies, and beautiful they are, but that's not me. My legs are more like tree trunks, thus I run more like... an Ent?

So, yeah - Treebeard, Quickbeam, and I are going to pick up a quick 3 miler when my foot heals...

Tennis is tougher than the World Cup

2010-06-24T00:01:00.018-06:00

UPDATE: Isner finally defeated Mahut in 11 hours and five minutes: 6-4, 3-6, 6-7, 7-6, 70-68

This blog has seen several posts about competition. I contend that every game is an attempt to create a fair test that determines which side is best, given the victory conditions agreed upon for that game. This is the raison d'être of sporting contests - to answer that question.

That said, I am sick to fucking death of the World Cup. Games which end in a tie, have, by definition, failed to answer this basic question. In fact, games which are allowed to end in a tie, serve only one purpose - they extend the length of the tournament. All tournaments that use formats other than single elimination are designed to do this. They are perfectly suited for children's sports, actually. If, for example, you play a double elimination tournament in Little League, it guarantees that the kids get to play at least two games, no matter how badly they play. A round-robin tourney is even better - you can lose to every single team there (France...) but at least you get to be on the field a lot.

In the case of professional football players, this sort of gentleness is unnecessary - they are big boys, they can handle losing one game and going home. The fact that the "real" part of the tournament - the final 16 - is played with extra time and shootouts to bring the games to a conclusive end shows that FIFA is aware that ties are useless, and ultimately dissatisfying. It has been argued in the past that football is so taxing that making the early games in the tournament go into extra time would be too much for the players. This is nonsense - the truth is, the World Cup uses this format to make certain that about eleventy-jillion dollars are made during this month. The same is true of the sketchy ball they are using for this World Cup - it's not about the contest, it's about the benjamins.

As if to make my point crystal clear, we have the ongoing battle of France's Nicolas Mahut and John Isner of the United States, currently taking place at Wimbledon. These two guys have logged 10 hours of tennis, in a match that is now going into its third day. At the time I'm writing this, Isner and Mahut are tied at 59 games all in the fifth set. Isner has served 98 aces, while Mahut has served 94. The match has been stopped twice on account of fading light, and will resume tomorrow.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is why you don't accept ties. This is dramatic, exciting, record-breaking sport - as opposed to the boring, ho-hum crap the World Cup has offered up. You don't hear these guys complaining about it being too taxing; they are just going to keep playing until there is a winner! (Also - and this is completely unrelated to my beef with ties, just a personal note - I would like to point out that those goddamned plastic vuvuzela horns are not allowed in the stands at Wimbledon!)

Tennis doesn't mess with the ball. Tennis doesn't allow bad behavior, from fans or players, and most importantly, tennis doesn't accept ties. The World Cup folks could take a tip from tennis.

Couple the completely boring World Cup results (a full quarter of the games played so far have ended in ties, according to this results chart), the ball that everyone hates, and the general tendency of soccer players to fling themselves to the ground as though shot with a large calibre handgun whenever another player's sleeve brushes them, and you have a recipe for an embarrassingly lame tournament.

There - I said it. The World Cup is lame. I am prepared for the ire of the fans of the world's most popular game, but seriously, this is pretty sad.

InFamous

2010-06-23T06:44:00.009-06:00

As promised, today's post is about the PS3's InFamous. In this superhero-fantasy-fulfillment you play Cole McGrath, former bike messenger and parkour god of Empire City. On a routine delivery run the package he is carrying explodes, killing thousands and unleashing a virulent plague on the city. Of course, the explosion doesn't kill Cole (everyone knows the safest place to be when terrifying new technologies explode is ground zero) and when he awakes he finds he is imbued with electrical powers.

It starts out small - he can shoot little bursts of lightning, send out a static shock wave, and resist damage to some extent. He is also given some serious strength which makes his parkour abilities truly crazy. In fact, he kind of looks like he's the love child of a drunken hump between Assassin's Creed II and The Prince of Persia. That's how he earned his nickname around Flockhall, "Electric Monkey Man."

Like Ezio, he can climb to the highest points in his environment and dive off, but Cole doesn't need a hay bale to land in. In fact, one of his later powers ("Thunder Drop") allows him to fall ridiculous distances as an explosive attack. The higher the fall, the bigger the boom, so jumping off tall buildings is actually encouraged. Later in the game he shows off the other side of his genetics as he learns to slow down time for sniping. Cole, however, doesn't need the dagger of time to do it - he just needs a little bit of electricity.

As the game progresses he becomes a juggernaut of vaguely electric whoop-ass. By the end of the game he can actually call down lightning from heaven. (If there was any justice in this world the Black Pope would have that power...)

Although the game has a plot, and there is a bit of a twist at the end, it resides in a very implausible neighborhood, and ultimately it's not all that important. The thing about this game is the play itself. It has elements of so many game types - skateboarding, platformers, melee fighters, 3rd person shooters, sniper simulators, and even scavenger hunts. Although I played the plot missions all the way through to the end, I did all of the side quests first, simply because I liked the way Cole moves through the city. Grinding on the wires to gain speed then flying on static thrust to the next rooftop, where you rain down shock grenades on the thugs below is a beautiful way to spend an afternoon.

Another great element of the game is the healing system. When you get hurt, just look for an electrical source and charge up. If you wish, you can heal (or drain) the people you find injured on the street as well. I spent about 30 minutes one day just running around the city playing Jesus. I would walk up to an injured civilian, touch him and say, "Arise, take up thy bed, and go unto thine house." Very satisfying, albeit a bit sacrilegious. (Another power that the Pontifex Niger should have...)

When the final battle arrived, I wanted to go back into the city and find more side missions. There were none. I stalled, skating around the city on the train tracks, looking for thugs to beat up. I felt like the last guy at a party, saying "come on guys, the night is young!" Eventually, I accepted that the ride was over, and it was time to go face the boss.

After a titanic struggle, I beat him. Well, actually it just took titanic cursing, but I got it done. Watched the credits roll, then ran around the newly freed city a bit... and it wasn't the same. The crisis was over, the thugs were gone, and Electric Monkey Man was no longer needed.

Luckily, InFamous 2 is in the works, with a 2011 release date.

Heavenly Sword

2010-06-22T02:08:00.009-06:00

Unemployment has turned me into a crazed console gamer. Usually, I'm the guy for whom walkthroughs are written, but I've finished two PS3 games in the last two weeks, without major internet assistance. This is some kind of record for me, as I'm the guy who played Dead Rising for three hours one night without making any kind of headway on the plot because I just really enjoyed hitting zombies with guitars. I'm just saying that more weapons, in both games and real life, should play power chords when you use them...

The first I tackled was Heavenly Sword, because the main character, Nariko, is seriously hot on the cover. Flaming red hair, a barely there costume that defies gravity to cover her, and a huge, ass-kicking sword - what's not to like? I figured there would be gratuitous shots of heaving cleavage and girly buttocks made rock hard by a lifetime of martial arts. That expectation may have been enhanced by the several confusing hours I spent playing Bayonetta just prior to starting Heavenly Sword. I was a bit disappointed that Nariko's special attacks don't cause her clothes to fall off like Bayonetta's, but it's a good game anyway.

It turns out that Heavenly Sword is a thinking man's button masher. Sort of like a prettier God of War but with a more nuanced combat system, a better plot, and no bare boobs. Nariko has three distinct stances that she can fight in, and the player must make sure she is in the proper stance to block or counter the attacks of her opponents, based on their stance. At first it's infuriating, but with time you begin to not only block attacks but also counter them and send them back at the attacker - most satisfying. As is required by gaming law, she is also equipped with amazing special moves which charge up based on how many blows in a row she can land. My favorite is the one where she hooks her swords into the opponent as she leaps into the air, then carries him up with her. She then slams him down on his head, and lands with one foot in his crotch. It's cringe-worthy every time it happens.

And happen, it does. Often. This game dishes up combat in huge slabs. To keep it from being monotonous there are some sections where you use missile weapons or play as a secondary character, Kai, who is younger, insane, and quite the archer. In all the missile combat sections you can use "after touch" to guide the missiles once they are on the way. It's rather like riding a Gulf War era "smart bomb" down to the target. It's a pretty unique experience, and a lot of fun once you get the hang of it.

So why am I writing about a game that is 3 years old? (See "unemployed" above.) Because it holds up pretty damn well against the current crop of games. Take, for instance, "Grand Theft Equus" (AKA Red Dead Redemption). I realize that they are fundamentally different types of games, but RDR is just plain fugly, while Heavenly Sword is absolutely gorgeous. Or, you could compare it to Assassin's Creed II. AC2 is very pretty, and the plot is amazing, but the melee combat is slow and clunky compared to Heavenly Sword.

In short, it's Pope Tested, Ministry Approved. The good news is, you can probably pick it up for less than thirty bucks now. Give it a try.

Tomorrow, InFamous.

Final BBBC Post

2010-06-18T07:27:00.005-06:00

If this is your first BBBC... What did you get out of your experience? Do you think it will change the way you blog in the future?

This experience has proven what I have always known about my blogging, and writing in general. If I am given topics, I can be productive. If left to my own devices, I'll spend my time looking at pictures of the Doctor's new companion (rawr!) and cute animal pictures. While Google reader is a great tool, mine fills up with approximately 2 jillion distractions every 24 hours. For me, the problem with being prolific on the internet is... the internet.

During my undergrad degrees I posted a lot more often, but my job involved getting paid to sit in a computer lab. My primary responsibility was to keep lab users from walking off with equipment, and frankly, the cameras were more than enough deterrent. I basically got paid to do my homework, and it was the best job I've ever had. I miss it so... (sniff).

At any rate, this experience has simply reminded me that writing is like any other discipline. It requires a commitment and time investment in order for you to see results. The Buddhist masters have been known to say that you should practice as though your hair was on fire. My hair (what's left of it) is definitely not on fire where writing is concerned. Perhaps it should be. If I was as committed to posting on my blog as I am to, say, lifting heavy things or being a contrarian, I'd have published several books by now.

My thanks to Alicia Chenaux over at Ch'know? for starting the BBBC and providing the topics.

BBBC DAY 5

2010-06-17T05:00:00.005-06:00

So the BBBC topic for today is...

"Topic #5 - Blogger's choice! Write about anything that's on your mind!"

Unemployment is the primary topic on my mind these days. Although I have been working for the Census a bit, I've been looking for a permanent job since early May when school ended. Technically, my graduate assistantship didn't run out until the end of May, but I had really hoped that I could get to work right away and collect two paychecks for the month of May to build up a buffer. Instead, I've gotten a total of about 45 hours from the Census, so there wasn't much in the way of savings.

I know that many people have been out of work much longer than this, but this is the longest I've ever been unemployed in my life. I have a ton of applications out there, but the number of people who are looking for work is so high that even part-time gigs in this town are getting 30-40 applicants. I generally interview well, but getting the interview is the issue these days. Perhaps I should write a more truthful cover letter and resume. Something like this:

Dear Sirs,

I am writing to express my interest in the (insert title) position you have advertised on (insert website). My compelling need to eat and pay my rent, coupled with my desperation-enhanced moral flexibility make me uniquely qualified for this opportunity. I have extensive experience with under-compensated positions, unrealistic deadlines, and sadistic management. As a former employee of various state agencies I have a sound grasp of the acquisition and squandering of grant funding, as well the hand wringing and scapegoating required during audits. I am a detail oriented team player, well versed in the scurrying about and prairie dogging that is the hallmark of the successful office worker.

Sincerely,

HSBP

The resume might look like this...

Purpose: To find a job in the exciting field of whatever the hell it is you guys do there. Ideally, said job would utilize my natural snarkiness and include a company car and expense account.

Education: Yes, lots, and none of it relevant to actually making money. I am a fascinating guest at parties, however.

Work Experience: I have a ton, mostly in fields uniquely unsuited to my skills. Much like the ballerina who takes up sumo, I can adapt to any work environment, regardless of how ridiculous it is.

References: Listed below is the contact information of three former employers who, due to company policies prohibiting disclosures of personal opinions, or because it has been long enough for them to forget, are likely to admit having known me.

As they say, honesty is the best policy when there's money in it.

BBBC Day 4

2010-06-16T03:38:00.002-06:00

Today's suggested topic is age...

1) Do you lie about your age?

For many years I have consistently claimed to be 108 years old. That, of course, is hyperbole - I only feel like I'm 108 when I get up in the morning. Actually, sometimes I smell like I'm 108 when I get home from the gym. At any rate, I am remarkably well preserved for a man of my age. I do have a weekly skin care regimen that helps with the crow's feet, but I've been lax about it lately; it's so expensive to fill the tub with the rendered fat of unchristened babies.

2) Do you think you act your age?

If you mean, "do you frequently talk about your prostate health and worry about getting enough fiber?" then no, I don't. I do, however, occasionally complain that all the younguns should stay off my lawn - "if that goddamn frisbee comes over the fence one more time, I'm keeping it!" I have also been known to disparagingly compare the young men of today to the young men of my generation - "at least we were smart enough to know that you don't call women bitches and hoes to their faces!"

By the by, my prostate is fine - thanks for your concern. I was at the urologist less than a month ago and he gave me the full San Francisco Handshake, complete with a How's Your Uncle and he said I was in perfect health. That man has very large fingers.

3) Are you where you thought you'd be at your current age?

Oh hell no. In kindergarten (in 1970) I was told there would be flying cars and vacation homes on the moon by now. I expected to play pro football and then serve as an astronaut for a few years, before settling down to my real career as a novelist. I was encouraged in these expectations by many of the adults around me, so the reality has turned out to be very disappointing. Stupid Montessori teachers, telling me I could be whatever I wanted to be.

Just like everyone else, I am where I am due to a combination of my own choices, luck, happenstance, class, race, gender, and the socioeconomic status with which I started out. Anyone who tells you that they know the equation that adds all of those factors and arrives at the destination you wish for is either a liar, or selling something. Or both, like high school guidance counselors...

More BBBC tomorrow.

BBBC Day 3

2010-06-15T03:10:00.003-06:00

Topic for today:
"Would you start a relationship with someone you met online? Would you have a problem telling people that's where you met? Do you think it's easier to meet someone online rather than at work or at a club?"

I met my current GF at a poetry slam, so I have no room to criticize anyone's hook-up hunting habits. I do, however, have my doubts about the online thing ever working for me. I once had a long distance friendship that turned into something romantic over the tubes but we knew each other in person well before the chatting began. I am very visual, so a pure internet romance, even with webcams, just wouldn't work for me.

Meeting people at work is not a great idea, unless their job is completely unrelated to yours. If you are in the same office, or in offices that have to cooperate or compete it is a recipe for trouble. I have a hard and fast rule - don't even consider your coworkers as romantic possibilities.

The club scene seems to me the very worst place to meet someone. In a club or bar, it is generally loud, dark, and drunken. Possibly smoky as well. No one is themselves at a club - they are either trying to "bring their A game" or they have had a few drinks. Either way, if you meet someone there, you will just have to meet them again when you are in a more normal setting.

Mate selection is a very complex issue, studied heavily by a number of academic disciplines. In Sociology it's been tackled to some extent by almost every theoretical perspective. In my studies, the evolutionary model was my favorite. In essence, evolutionary theory holds that mate selection is predicated upon the need to select the best available mate for viable offspring (this is an incredibly gross oversimplification - it is a much more nuanced theory than this would suggest). Obviously, we've complicated that quite a bit by introducing all the trappings of civilization to the mix. The "best" mate might be the biggest, strongest male, or he might be the male with the thickest wallet or the most prestige. The environment in which the union is to exist must be considered when determining what is "best."

The other issue is availability. Since we don't generally embrace polyamory, the very best mates tend to be taken off the market quickly, leaving others to sort through what might be considered "lesser" choices. I have heard many women complain that all the good men are either taken or homosexuals. One of my dear friends was single at 35, and she described her search as "looking for a needle in a Gay stack."

Given these constraints, I see anything that can extend the pool of possible mates - even the internet - as a positive thing. Just be certain to ask these basic but crucially important questions:

1) Are you a furry?
2) Do you own/collect leather/latex/rubber/etc?
3) When was the last time you ended up in the emergency room after sex?

(Look, you ask your questions and I'll ask mine, ok? Prudes.)

This is a Good Idea...

2010-06-14T23:54:00.003-06:00

The Big Bad Blogger Challenge (BBBC for short) is a great idea that I discovered via Mayren's blog.

The site describes the challenge as follows:
"The Big Bad Blogger Challenge for June: Update your blog every day for one week starting June 13th, and the last challenge post will be June 18th."

Ok - I posted on the 13th anyway, and I have 6 minutes left to post on the 14th...

The best thing about this challenge is that they provide you with topics. For example, today's prompt is, "write about three positive things going on in your life."

1) I'm looking for a job, and I have a handful of decent leads. I even have a second interview tomorrow!

2) I'm getting into barefoot/minimal shoe running. It's really decreased the shin splint/knee pain/general crappiness of running for me.

3) I am working on a political campaign, and it's great! It's really nice to try to do something about governance, rather than just being an unpaid pundit.

More BBBC tomorrow.

Misheard

2010-06-13T00:35:00.000-06:00

Thank god for watchdog organizations like the NAACP. This week they’ve sounded the alarm again, protecting the American people from that notoriously racist company, Hallmark.

Yeah – the greeting card people.

You see, those bigoted bastards at Hallmark have created a card in which two cartoon characters, Hoops and Yoyo, make a terrible racist slur against African-American women. We’re going to check it out below, so you might want to send the kiddies to their rooms… actually, if you let your children read this blog you should probably just turn yourself in to Social Services right now. Anywho, here’s the clip:

Did you catch the racist slur in that? No? Neither did anyone else, for the three years this card has been on the shelves. No one, that is, until earlier this week when someone at the Los Angeles chapter of the NAACP caught that line about “black holes.” According to spokesman Leon Jenkins it was "very demeaning to African-American women.” Another member claimed, "It sounds like a group of children laughing and joking about blackness, again."

Never let it be said that the Pontifex Niger is not an equal opportunity ranter. Despite all the white guilt instilled in me by three humanities degrees, I’m not afraid to go to the mat on this one. Apparently the NAACP couldn’t find any real racism to fight this week. This is either an incredibly weak attempt to make something out of nothing, or the most pathetic example of an entire group of people not getting a joke I’ve ever seen. This is just a graduation card, and not a very original one at that – a twist on the old “reach for the stars” trope. There is no reference to race or gender anywhere in it, unless you count the cartoon characters Hoops and Yoyo themselves – they are both persons of color, because one is green and the other is pink…

Where were the cooler heads that should have stopped the NAACP from missing the boat on this? Someone in their office, perhaps a hip, younger staffer should have stepped up at that meeting and said, “Um, sir, this is going to make us look like complete idiots.” Apparently that didn’t happen because instead they held a press conference that made the NAACP look like a chapter of anti-Mensa. While the cameras rolled the questionable phrase was misheard, taken out of context, and the overall theme and content of the card was completely ignored in the name of self-righteous, sanctimonious publicity. Wouldn’t W.E.B. Du Bois be proud…?

Hallmark responded by publishing the script of the card and trying to clarify it’s meaning. The company explained that the card's theme is the solar system and it emphasizes the power of the graduate to take over the universe, even energy-absorbing black holes. “The intent here is to say that this graduate is not afraid of anything," explained Hallmark spokesman Steve Doyal. Not good enough says the NAACP, so Hallmark is pulling the card from its shelves and other retailers have followed suit. Look folks, I’m all for exposing racist speech to the harsh light of day, but Hoops and Yoyo are not the new Amos and Andy, and this is not a racist slur. This is just plain stupid.

On a related note, I’d like to take this opportunity to denounce the product White Out as a racial slur against Gay Caucasians...

Triskelion

2010-05-29T02:38:00.005-06:00

So, according to White House Counsel Robert Bauer, when Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel recruited President Clinton to offer Joe Sestak a presidential or senior executive branch advisory board job in exchange for dropping out of his primary race with everyone’s favorite Republican’t, Arlen Spectre, there was nothing illegal about it. Never the less, Republicans in both houses are calling for special investigations to be conducted by the Attorney General and the FBI.

I followed this story on numerous media outlets for the last few days, and most of the politicos and former prosecutors who’ve been paid to comment seem to feel that this issue is either a non-starter, or that it opens a huge can of worms which would be devastating to both parties, because this kind of stuff happens all the time. It’s especially common after redistricting, when party leadership may offer the newly unseated Representatives jobs of various types in order to keep them from running against incumbents in neighboring districts. In essence, this is business as usual, and the Republican attempt to represent it as a prosecutable offense is simply political maneuvering, with little or no teeth. After a brief media storm, this will fall off the radar of the major media outlets, only to resurface briefly when Sestak wins Spectre’s seat in Pennsylvania.

If you’re a regular visiter here, you know that this is the point at which I usually ramp up to a solid froth, pull the arm off of the nearest Republican and beat him to death with the wet end. In this case, however, the problem doesn’t reside on that side of the aisle. No, the Dems really screwed the pooch on this one, and I’m not above pointing and laughing while they try to pull their pants back up.

Putting a stop to the shady, backroom dealings of “Washington as usual” was supposed to be part of that “Change We Can Believe In” stuff, right? Didn’t he get elected on a message of transparency and open processes?

All of that high-minded rhetoric makes it even more repulsive when the curtain is pulled back to reveal that this country really is run by largely invisible men in smoke-filled rooms, betting quatloos on their favorite thralls. Star Trek nerdery aside, the comparison is an apt one. No one wants an oligarchy to run the show, to choose who fights whom and who lives and dies, and yet it is clear that unelected power brokers continuously wrangle to make political outcomes about as unscripted as pro wrestling.

If this issue beats the odds and manages to get some traction with the Justice Department, I hope that the man responsible does the right thing. Just like Scooter Libby and John Poindexter before him, Rahm Emanuel should jump on the grenade. I have long suspected that he is nothing more than a Karl Rove in Democrat’s clothing, so I kind of hope this comes to pass. In fact, I hope the soothsayers from both parties are able to read the take-home message in his scattered political entrails. As much as the American Public hates the political process, they hate seeing its inner workings even more…

Life-Saving Excommunication

2010-05-23T14:02:00.005-06:00

This past week the Catholic Church raised the bar on irony and hypocrisy when they took a hard-line stance in defense of children by excommunicating Sister Margaret McBride (shown at left). Her offense? Saving a pregnant woman’s life.

You see, McBride, along with a group of doctors, was part of an ethics panel that consulted with a pregnant woman at St. Joseph’s Hospital and Medical Center in Phoenix. The woman was 11 weeks pregnant, at the time, and suffering from a condition called pulmonary hypertension which is aggravated by pregnancy. Pulmonary hypertension limits the ability of the heart and lungs to function properly during pregnancy, and the doctors who examined her said her chances of surviving the pregnancy were near 0%, and the only way to save her life was to terminate the pregnancy. The ethics commission counseled the woman to that effect, and she had the procedure and survived.

The Phoenix Catholic Diocese, led by Bishop Thomas Olmsted, rewarded Sister McBride for her wise counsel with an excommunication. Bishop Olmstead released a statement saying, "An unborn child is not a disease. While medical professionals should certainly try to save a pregnant mother's life, the means by which they do it can never be by directly killing her unborn child. The end does not justify the means."

He went on to add that “The Catholic church will continue to defend life and proclaim the evil of abortion without compromise, and must act to correct even her own members if they fail in this duty.”

Where was this stern position on the safety of children when thousands of kids were being molested by priests? This nun is excommunicated, but convicted pedophile priests are simply defrocked - apparently, if you save a woman’s life by destroying a fetus you’re destined for hell, but if you destroy the trust of countless children by sexually abusing them you’re still a candidate for heaven. (I knew there was a reason I didn’t want to go there...)

This is institutional misogyny that would make the Taliban clap their hands with glee. The message here is that the sins of men are simply not as serious as the sins of women. After all – it was a woman who got us kicked out of the garden in the first place, right?

It’s also yet another incident in a long line which proves that Benedict and his inner circle (I like to call them “Benny and the Jets” – oh but they’re weird and they’re wonderful…) are completely out of touch with the rest of the world. Even the staunchest Catholics I know are appalled by this ruling. As the leadership and laity of the Church drift farther apart, the gap between doctrine and the actual beliefs and behaviors of Catholics is widening into a canyon. Mother Church is growing ripe for a schism of epic proportions. Soon Catholics in developed nations are refuse to drink the kool-aid anymore.

When this Vatican III happens, perhaps they can clarify that being Catholic doesn’t mean that you have to ignore science. Or modern medicine. Or compassion. Or common sense. Wait... if they accepted all that, they wouldn’t really be Catholic anymore, would they?

Same Old Same Old

2010-05-15T01:59:00.005-06:00

The news this week is essentially the news from last week. Let’s look at the top stories in no particular order.

Sarah Palin – still an idiot. She announced that her new book will soon be out, in which she talks about her favorite literature and poetry. No doubt her ghost writer has been working for weeks to construct a paragraph that makes it sound like she keeps a copy of Sartre’s War Diaries under her pillow… She followed this up by reminding delegates at the NRA Convention that Democrats are coming to take away your guns.

Teabaggers – still insane. As I predicted 6 months ago, they are destroying the Republican party, and it’s quite a show. Last week they ousted three term senator Bob Bennett of Utah, then they forced the GOP in Maine to adopt a party platform that calls for limiting congressional terms to 12 years, abolishing the Federal Reserve and the Department of Education, and refers to global climate change as a myth. As ridiculous as this sounds, it turns out that it’s a watered down version of the Texas GOP platform. Several other Tea Party groups are working on getting similar statements of lunacy adopted in other states.

George Rekkers – still Gay. The only development in this story is the cost of his European rentboy get-away – he paid all of young Lucien’s expenses and gave him $75 per day. Pretty cheap, as these things go – most of the guys listed on rentboy.com ask for more like $500 per day for overnights - what they call “the boyfriend experience.” Of course, Rekkers can afford it. He was recently paid $120,000 by the state of Florida for testifying in support of their ban on gay adoption. Ironic, considering that Rekkers himself adopted a son in Florida…

Arizona – still the most bigoted state in the union. Last week they were instituting an immigration law that would have made Stalin smile, then they decided that you can't teach English if you have an accent, and now they’ve been busily implementing new rules that outlaw ethnic studies in public schools. What’s next? Will possession of mole sauce soon be considered a felony? I’m expecting Governor Jan Brewer to include that in her new “use an enchilada, go to jail” bill.

British Petroleum – still lying to everyone. First it was 1000 barrels per day, then 5000, and now it’s somewhere between that and 70,000 bijillion barrels per day. Does anyone actually know what’s happening down there? The short answer is no. They’ve tried adding detergent to the water, putting a big dome over it, and tonight they are trying to cram a big rubber stopper up the pipe. They’re running out of options – soon they’re going to have to just call in Aquaman.

Nashville - still flooded.
Joe Lieberman - still a "Republican't."
John McCain - still not conservative enough for reelection.
Black Vatican University - still afraid of free speech.

There are other examples, but you see my point. The news this week is the news from last week, only more so.

America, you bore me.

Heavy Lifting

2010-05-08T01:23:00.005-06:00

Well children, another fine upstanding Christian leader has fallen prey to the temptations of the flesh – in this case, the flesh of an attractive young rentboy named Lucien (his real name is Jo-vanni Roman – when your given name is Jo-vanni Roman do you even need a gay stage name?). I’m sure you’ve all heard by now how young Lucien was hired by Baptist minister George Alan Rekers to accompany him on a 10-day trip to Europe. You see, Dr. Rekers has recently had surgery, so he hired Lucien to lift his sack – I mean carry his bags – around Europe.

Initially, both Rekers and Lucien claimed they hadn’t had sex on the trip, but after finding out that Rekers co-founded the Family Research Council with his BFF and fellow homophobe, James Dobson, and that he is a professional purveyor of misinformation about gay youths, Lucien decided to come clean. He described Rekers’s favorite sexual activity, known as “the long stroke," which I won’t describe in detail - because I'm a fucking gentleman - sounds more like something you’d sue a priest over, not hire a rentboy for…

Since this story broke, another former rentboy, Carl Shepherd, has come forward to say he, too, gave Rekers something resembling “the long stroke” back in 1992. His story doesn’t include lifting any luggage, but it does conclude with $150 changing hands in a hotel room.

It should come as no surprise that Dr. Rekers is an officer of the National Association for Research & Therapy of Homosexuality - he has publicly declared that he believes homosexuality is a sin and that it’s curable. Ok, so - Physician, heal thyself.

Because he is a Baptist, I give him about 3-5 more days before he makes a tearful confession from the pulpit – it’s sure to be YouTube sensation second only to Jimmy Swaggart. At least Catholics have the decency to make their confessions in a little box. For those of you who aren’t Catholic, it’s dark and comforting in there – you might say it’s kind of like a closet…

Personally, I’d like to thank Dr. Rekers for adding to our ever-growing lexicon of sexual euphemisms, like “hiking the Appalachian trail” and “taking a wide stance.” I could really go for getting my "luggage lifted" tonight, in fact.

Recent Events

2010-05-02T23:10:00.012-06:00

So… after a court battle, Bill Ayers came to Black Vatican University and spoke. And I was there. And I don’t feel anymore radical than before. Granted, I may not be the best test case, but still… Thanks to the craziness of the Right-wing and the cowardice of UW’s administration, 1100 people were there instead of the 12 or so that would have attended his original speech. Way to go Teapublicans and Wyoming Patriot Alliance!

So… Arizona has instituted a new DWB law – that’s “driving while brown” for those of you who aren’t up on cop lingo like me. To be fair, all this law does is force local officers to enforce Federal laws… without allocating any additional funding for training of said officers. What could go wrong? Actually, I don’t know how they’re going to manage it – cops are not the most adaptable folks on he planet. When I was a cop if we got ANYthing new they had mandatory statewide training. I remember sitting through a 2 hour presentation on our new flashlights one afternoon, and those little pokey keychains? That was a three day qualification course… so interpreting the ins and outs of international documents which are only partially in English? That’s gonna’ go well. (UPDATE: AZ Governor Jan Brewer signed an executive order stipulating that officers will receive additional training on "reasonable suspicion." Still no word on where the money for that is coming from...)

So… Sarah Palin said something stupid again. I know – making fun of Sarah Palin for making ill-considered statements is like looking for trannies at a screening of Victor Victoria, but this is a good one. On Hannity this week she lamented how one of the “lamestream media” outlets just doesn’t get it on this immigration thing in Arizona, doncha know. She was upset about a screen graphic that read “Arizona makes it illegal to be illegal.” The lamestream media outlet in question? Fox News. As in, her employer, Fox News. Kind of awkward around the watercooler after that one…

So… the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico is up to 5000 barrels per day. The ever irrational Rush Limbaugh had his morlocks do some research on this and discovered that 5000 b/day is what seeps into the Gulf every day from natural sources anyway, so it’s no big deal - the ocean will recover on its own if we just leave it alone. Right – Rush, that’s like saying you’ll probably eat a whole bottle of ketchup this year on your fries, so we’re just going to shove the whole bottle down your throat right now – surely your stomach will recover on its own.

So… turns out that boobs don’t cause earthquakes, but boobquake 2010 was still a huge success. I think this is the best way to address fundamental religious idiocy that I have heard of in a long time. In fact, I was going to suggest that all of the women reading this should show off their assets every time a fundie says something sexist, irrational, or ill-informed – but that’s so common you’d all have to run around topless, and it’s still a bit cold in some locales. For our local brand of religious lunacy, I propose instead “Show Your Nipples to a Mormon Day,” followed by “Kiss my Nondenominational Ass Week.” Who knows? Maybe all that skin will finally make the caldera blow and we can all meet this Creator they keep talking about…

This last bit is nothing more than shameless self-promotion and I am only posting it because Ducky said, "screenshot or it didn't happen." The screenshot at left is from ItsYourTurn.com, a site for play-by-email boardgames like Chess, Go, Backgammon, etc. They offer over 70 games and have over 3 million registered users. Players battle for position on "ladders" which function like a continuous challenge tournament - the goal is to challenge and beat the players above you on the ladder to become player #1. If you click on the screenshot to enlarge it you'll note that player #1 on this ladder (for "Pro Pente") is none other than your's truly, Linus Furious. Due to the nature of play-by-email it has taken me about 3 months to battle to the top of this ladder. Yes - I have Pente-Fu. You might even say I have the Pente Dim Mak ("death touch"). Feel free to go to the site and challenge me to a game.

Save Me From Myself

2010-04-27T14:35:00.006-06:00

When I arrived at the office today I was asked, "how are you today?" I thought about it briefly and the word which best described my condition at that moment was "disgruntled." As usual, I immediately questioned my diction; it seems to me that I shouldn't call myself "disgruntled" unless I could honestly claim that I was ever "gruntled" in the first place.

Research was in order, so I put on my Googling hat (it's just like the one at left...).

It turns out I had spoken correctly, but for the wrong reasons. In this case the prefix "dis-" is not a negator (like in "disconnect" or "disappear") but rather an intensifier (as in "disannul" or "dissever") and thus "gruntled" doesn't mean contented or happy - it simply means the same thing as "disgruntled" but less so. In fact, in this case the suffix -le is what is known as a "frequentive." When placed at the end of a verb it indicates that the action is repeated frequently. Thus "gruntle" means "to grunt frequently," and the usual connotation is that the grunting is a form of complaint.

In light of these findings I can safely say that I am nothing if not gruntled, and frequently disgruntled. It took 25 minutes of searching and checking references, but I feel better now that I know my diction was etymologically sound.

That's how bad it's gotten. This is clearly a cry for help; I need to stop studying for a while, and soon. I need to stop living in my head and start doing actual work again - like, work that involves cubicle walls and a salary, without concern for "theoretical frames" or "paradigmatic constraints."

I am open to suggestions (like any good grad student...) so feel free to name the job to which you think the Pontifex Niger is best suited. Let your creative juices flow freely - I will entertain (probably quite briefly, knowing you silly lot) all of your suggestions.

The Map of Human Sexuality

2010-04-16T17:22:00.007-06:00

I found this while preparing to teach a class on the Sociology of Human Sexuality.

Click to enlarge (you may have to click twice to make it large enough to read).

As you view all the wondrous lands of human sexuality, you may think fondly of the places you have already visited, or you may look longingly at the exotic countries you wish to go some day. On the site I stole this from you can put virtual stickpins into the map to mark your history (good or bad), or map out your future. Green pins mean you've tried it and liked it, red means you tried it and didn't like it, purple means you'd like to try it, while black pins mean it's strictly fantasy material for you. Don't be embarrassed if you run into a few terms you don't know - not everyone is up on the exact definition of "shirtcocking" or "frotteurism" but that's what Google is for, right? You can find the original map page here.

When placing stick pins, don't get hung up on who was the doer and who got done. if you were, or wish to be, on either side of the listed activity, put the appropriate pin by it. (And don't even pretend you aren't at least a little interested in seeing how many pins you can legitimately put in.) Don't forget to check the islands in the south-east - that's where the strippers are.

Once you've put in all the pins you wish to, you can save this visual representation of your sexual journey and share it with your lover, your friends, or if you're really hard core, in the comments section here on the Ministry...

Kon-Tiki; Extreme Academia

2010-04-12T12:12:00.007-06:00

I watched the documentary Kon Tiki last night. I recall my folks taking me to see both this and Heyerdahl's other documentary, The Ra Expeditions. Both made an impression that stuck with me all these years. The men in these films seem like ordinary academics - the kind you'd meet in the halls of any university in the U.S. - and yet they did amazingly dangerous things, all in the name of knowledge.

Kon-Tiki is grainy, shot by amateurs, and somewhat disjointed, but it's a testament to the spirit of exploration. It won the documentary Oscar in 1951, and it still holds up pretty well today. I recommend watching it if you want to be reminded of how low your adventure quotient is...

Thor Heyerdahl and five other men sailed a balsa wood raft from Callao, Peru to Raroia in the Tuamotu Islands - a voyage of over 4300 miles. They had no support boats, no chase aircraft, and only a ham radio and an inflatable dinghy as a life raft should things go badly. All the human crew members survived (the Amazon Parrot who joined them got washed overboard in a squall and was lost around the 60th day of the journey).

The expedition was undertaken to prove that it was possible for people in pre-Columbian times to reach and possibly colonize Polynesia. The raft was constructed using materials and techniques available at that time (see scale model at right) and it did prove that such a voyage was possible, even if it never actually happened in period.

That's right - they risked their lives to test an anthropological hypothesis. And not even to prove that it happened, just to see if it was possible. I fear that this spirit is dead today.

Today, this expedition would be televised by Discovery. There would be 15 cameras, chase boats, GPS locators, and on-board WiFi. The boat would have RedBull and Nike banners all over it, and the crew would be munching Clif Bars. Worst of all, the events would be edited to make better television, and there would be virtually no chance of anyone dying. In short, it wouldn't be an adventure - it would be reality TV. And that is sad.

I need to find an adventure like this. I am so bored with the safety of our consumer paradise. Maybe I should start building a raft...

I Love It When I'm Right

2010-04-10T19:30:00.002-06:00

Recently, one of my predictions was vindicated by the English newspaper, The Sun. For those who aren’t up on publications in Great Britain, The Sun is a bastion of journalistic excellence ALMOST as fair and balanced as Fox News.com. In fact, the two are very similar, except that The Sun has a topless girl on page three every day… which, to be honest, would really improve Fox News.com… so long as it isn’t Sarah Palin.

But I’m not here to discuss the hockey mom’s over-nursed fun bags – I’m actually here to talk about the sweater meat of female Islamic suicide bombers. That’s right, folks – as I predicted in my weekly radio rant back in December, the newest innovation in terror is explosive breast implants. The Sun reported that sources in Pakistan and Yemen alerted the British Security Agency, MI5, to the existence of the deadly “booby traps” shortly after the failed attempt of the underwear bomber, Omar Farouk Abdulmutallab. The article goes on to say that top surgeons have confirmed that such a procedure is possible, and explosive experts have told MI5 that a breast-sized packet of PETN could easily damage a plane badly enough to bring it down. Now when you are covertly admiring the dirty pillows of the devout Muslim seated next to you on that international flight, you can wonder if her burkha-covered lady lumps are bursting with jihad.

Now don’t feel left out if you prefer to ogle men. The article also mentions that they are putting implants in the buttocks of male suicide bombers as well. That handsome sheik ahead of in the ticket line may have a killer ass, and not just because of the falafel he ate before the flight.

Ok, all the horrible jokes aside, this simply can’t possibly be true. For starters, the explosive they mentioned, PETN, has to be set on fire to go off, so what are they going to do - put in a wick instead of a nipple? Also, there are much easier places to hide packets of explosives – the body cavity itself has plenty of useable space in it – why bother with a cosmetic surgery that may end up lumpy enough to give the would-be terrorist away?

Never the less, The Sun and Fox News.com were both happy to scare the crap out of their already terrified audience with this story. What I put forth as a joke, they are now putting forth as legitimate news, with no consideration given to the plausibility of it. I tried to think of the most ridiculous, improbable, unlikely way to top the underwear bomber, and came up with something that was funny because it was so damn silly, and now so-called “news agencies” are touting it as fact.

The real irony here is that in Britain, The Sun is considered a tabloid – taken just a tiny notch more seriously than the Enquirer or the Weekly World News here – and yet one of these ridiculous filler pieces was picked up by Fox News and reprinted as “Fact.” Fair and balanced my non-explosive ass.

Inversely Proportional

2010-04-08T14:51:00.007-06:00

It used to be that I worked on this blog while I was at work. I've worked in computer labs for the last several years, sometimes in the wee hours of the morning, so I had ample time to write. Now, I only put in 6 hours per week in the labs, and I spend most of that time doing actual work - you know, academic stuff. The stuff I'm actually supposed to be here to do. In fact, it's pretty clear that my blog productivity is inversely proportional to the difficulty of my studies.

The idea that the vast archives of this blog (836 posts!) are simply the result of my undergrad degrees not being challenging enough to keep me busy is too depressing to contemplate. I have convinced myself and others that I am, in fact, a writer of sorts, so this is supposed to be my bag. That identity comes with assumptions, and I have embraced those clichés wholeheartedly. I have allowed the world to believe, or possibly even fostered the belief that I am filled to the brim with witty observations and clever analyses of the world. It is exhausting being so laden with punditry - if I don't write it down, I might just 'splode...

The truth is significantly more dull. My life is thesis. Right now I am barely able to scrape together 3-5 minutes of left-wing venom to spew on the radio every Friday night. I know this will end, but it isn't happening fast enough - or it's too fast and I feel as though I won't get done, ever. I'll die under a pile of phenomenological articles, my cold stiff fingers clutching one more draft of the thesis that never was...

Please disregard the apocalyptic whining above - I'm over-medicated right now. The point of this post was to say that I have a plan for returning to sanity once this is all over.

In the back of my head a story has been taking shape. I suppose it would fall into the fantasy genre, but not of the Tolkien stripe. It's got some steampunk elements, a bit of swords and sorcery, and naturally, a big hunk of religion.

I'm not sure how I will go about it, but readers of this blog will certainly be privy to the details of it's composition. I have considered posting excerpts here, or possibly posting the excerpts on a separate blog created solely for that purpose while posting my notes and thoughts on the writing here. All of that will be decided when I have time to spend on decisions.

In the mean time, pray for me as I grind out the final days of my MA.

A Parable

2010-03-27T03:56:00.004-06:00

Tonight children, let me tell you a story - an allegory for our times, if you will.

Suppose you were born into one of the great mercantile families. You’d have a last name like Ford or Vanderbilt or Carnegie or maybe even Suzuki or Mitsubishi. You would have received the finest education that money could buy at the most prestigious institutions, and been schooled in the newest technologies and techniques. You would have been mentored by the brightest minds in the field, carefully preparing you to take the reins of your family’s mighty corporation when the time came. After many years of study and preparation, the day finally arrives, and you are ushered to your corner office and given a key to the executive washroom.

At your first board meeting, you are confronted with a problem. It’s just the sort of thing you have been training for, so you are ready with an answer. You propose a multi-part strategy to identify the problem, devise innovative corrective measures, and move the company toward a productive solution.

Naturally, you expect a pat on the back – but the board of directors says, “That’s not how we do it here. You see, we run this company according to guidelines set out by your great great great great grandfather, and that kind of solution is not mentioned in this document.” They even bring out the venerable scrap of parchment, and lay it reverently on the table.

You gently protest - “Um, guys? Things are a bit different today – we need to adapt to the current business environment…”

“But these guidelines have made this company strong and a leader in our industry,” they say.

“Yes,” you say, “but when these guidelines were written we were delivering our product by horse-drawn wagons – today we ship worldwide by air. Back then it took months to get a letter to Europe and today I can call Paris in seconds on my cell phone. Can’t you see that our guidelines might need to be adjusted to fit that business climate?”

“No!’ they scream. “You must never deviate from the letter of the original document! It is the secret of our success!”

“It was, but we aren’t as successful today as we were in 1787,” you tell them. “We must adjust and change in order to progress.”
At this point, half of the men in the boardroom tip over the table and take up positions behind it clutching firearms. Occasionally they throw teabags at you.

Ok, I’m sure you can see where this is going. If you wouldn’t blindly run a business according to principals that are 225 years old, why would you run a country that way?

Since the passage of health care reform the Right has been flogging the idea that the plan is unconstitutional, and a number of state attorneys general are planning on filing lawsuits. Based on the way they venerate the constitution, you’d think that the founding fathers were imbued with some magical power to see the future so that they could devise a system of government that is adequate for every eventuality. It’s almost like they were gods of some sort, and the constitution is a scripture they have left to us – but that would be sacrilegious, right?

The founding fathers didn’t have any special insight on the way history would play out. They were no wiser about elections or appointments or committees or even human nature than we are. They didn’t have any unique skills that empowered them to design a system that would be eternal – in fact, they were humble enough to realize that the document they were writing would need to be adjusted. The method of changing it is built right in – it’s been altered 27 times already (well, it’s more like 25 times since the 21st just undid the 18th, but who's counting?).

The Right’s belief in the infallibility of the founding fathers is simply a form of mysticism, and it makes no more sense than believing in the infallibility of the pope, or that black cats are unlucky, or that the bambino’s curse kept the Red Sox from winning the World Series for 86 years. It’s also a damn convenient belief for the GOP – when the powers of the president ballooned under George W. Bush, you certainly didn’t hear any Republicans complaining about that violating the intentions of the founding fathers.

The health care bill is not the end of America, nor is it the death of liberty, or the beginning of socialism, communism, fascism, or any of the other dire predictions that the Right has been making this week. It’s simply another in a long line of social changes brought about by the Federal Government in spite of the conservative "state’s rights" crowd, and it's happening by the actions of our rightfully elected representatives following legitimate legislative processes. It will be fought tooth and nail, of course, through state referendums and law suits and name calling and protest marches and finally the supreme court will probably have to rule on it… just as the founding fathers designed.

bodhrán warm-up

2010-03-23T00:27:00.002-06:00

I just started playing this drum again after many years away from it. In this clip I'm just trying to loosen up my wrist and get my chops back.

Udu Sound Check

2010-03-21T20:27:00.003-06:00

This was a test to see if the microphone in my little video recorder would pick up the low tones of the udu. It does, but the quality of the speakers really makes a difference in playback. If you can't hear the deep "duoom" sound then try listening to it with headphones. Kind of cool, but still very different from hearing it in person.

The rhythm I'm playing around with is called chiftetelly - it's a common bellydance beat.

Audio

2010-03-20T14:08:00.002-06:00

A few radio rants that didn't get aired. Remember, folks - the "Angry Malcontent" is another persona, and his attitudes are not entirely shared by His Sinfulness...

Excuses and Rationalizations

2010-03-18T04:27:00.003-06:00

This blog has reached an unprecedented low in content, and yet I refuse to just let it go.

Perhaps once I get my thesis done I will be able to return to regular posting. Yes - that's it... it's my thesis that is causing the problem... not the nagging sensation that this blog outlived its usefulness two years ago, or the suspicion that I haven't said anything truly meaningful or even amusing in a long time.

At any rate, my thesis will need to be finished very soon, as I may be starting a new full-time job in the near future. All must be done on time - family is coming to graduation and I better actually be walking down the aisle or there will be hell to pay.

Double dose of Theraflu to stop this damn cough and I'm off to bed.

Domestication

2010-03-02T01:28:00.003-07:00

The raging stupidity of humanity is reaching epic proportions. I have been thinking about this for years now, and I think I’ve sorted out what our problem is – we’ve domesticated ourselves.

We’ve lost the ability to make the sort of decisions that any wild animal can make without a second thought. For example, if you ask any wild mammal “is hanging out with a 6-ton predator a good idea?” the immediate answer is “no.” If said 6-ton predator has killed members of your species before, the answer is rapidly upgraded to “hell no!” Never the less, we seem to think that chillin' with an Orca like “Tillicum,” the whale who killed a trainer last week at Orlando Sea World, is a good idea, especially if it makes the park’s owners tons of money. I’m sure you’ve all heard by now that Tillicum was involved in the deaths of two other humans over the last 20 years – so why was he being used in a show? For that matter, why is he still in captivity? Seems to me he has made his feelings about humans pretty clear, on three occasions now. Any wild animal would have the sense to stay away from Tillicum, and probably all of his kind, but we just aren’t that smart any more.

Another common problem of domesticated animals is the inability to self-regulate their diets. It’s common knowledge, for example, that domesticated horses will eat themselves to death if left with a surplus of food - humans are no different. In the US roughly 2/3 of adults and 1/3 of children are currently obese. In a classic show of nonsensical domesticated thinking, we have on one hand, First Lady Michelle Obama rolling out her “Let’s Move” campaign against childhood obesity, which encourages young people to participate in sports, and on the other we have Coca-Cola and McDonalds sponsoring the Olympics. Any wild animal instinctively knows that peak physical performance is not likely to result from gorging on bits of meat you can’t really identify the origin of, yet we apparently believe that if you have Mcnuggets for lunch and wash them down with a Coke, you’ll snowboard just like Shaun White. Perhaps on the X-Box that is true, but certainly not outdoors where gravity has consequences.

In a sense, our situation is far worse than the domestication that we have forced on animals, because at least there are some perks for those species. For example, we tend to protect domesticated species from disease by vaccinating them, we protect them from predators and the elements, and sometimes we even bring them into our homes to live in relative luxury. There are few such perks for the domesticated human, because the force that domesticates us is mindless – it’s simple greed. The continuous quest for the almighty dollar is what puts Orcas in tiny pools where they can nom the occasional trainer, it’s what plops our chubby kids down in front of the TV to watch sports rather than participating in them, and it’s what continues to make us stupid, fat, and lazy.

I believe it’s not too late. You can make choices based on your intelligence and instincts, not on the last commercial you saw. You could go out and try to remember what it means to be a wild animal.

I know you are all sitting there thinking, “The Black Pope is right. I’ll start doing that – right after this show is over…”

Go Cry, Emo Kid

2010-02-19T20:42:00.003-07:00

Well children, tonight’s question is what to make of Joe Stack, the pilot who crashed into an office building full of IRS employees in Austin, TX. While surfing the web today I’ve seen him called a patriot, a psychopath, a hero, a martyr, and most troubling, a terrorist. I sifted through the rambling suicide note/manifesto/tax conspiracy fanfic that he left on-line and I’m here to clarify for you all the label that should be affixed to him.

He spent the early 1980s trying to find a way to take advantage of the type of tax exemptions granted to religious organizations. He wrote, “We carefully studied the law and then began to do exactly what the 'big boys' were doing (except that we weren’t stealing from our congregation or lying to the government about our massive profits in the name of God)." In particular he had a hard-on for what he called the “vulgar, corrupt Catholic Church” - but soon he expanded his ire to anyone with deep pockets. He wrote, “I learned that there are two 'interpretations' for every law; one for the very rich, and one for the rest of us…”

Who is this “us” he refers to? I don’t know too many of “us” who are doing well enough to own a private plane. I did a little checking and found that his plane, a Piper PA-28 Cherokee, was worth between $28k and $45K depending on the year and the condition. It’s a four-seater with a very limited range, just over 500 miles, so it’s really just a pleasure craft – an incredibly expensive device for joining the mile high club. I can't feel sorry for a guy who refuses to pay his taxes while he owns a $28k sex toy.

Although he wrote about surviving on peanut butter sandwiches when he was a starving student, those days couldn’t have lasted too long. His first wife declared bankruptcy in 1999, listing an IRS debt of nearly $126k. Now, I’m no tax lawyer but you have to be making some pretty serious bank to owe that much. Did she divorced him because of his terrible tax advice, or because she wasn’t into doing it at 30K feet?

Around that same time he spent $5000 – an amount that he referred to as, “pocket change,” travelling around bitching at elected officials about the tax code. When his efforts to change the tax code through the democratic process failed, he decided that “violence not only is the answer, it is the only answer.”

Yeah – ‘cuz THAT’s what the constitution says. When the legislature doesn’t roll over for you, you should just kill federal workers until you get your way. This, above all, is the reason Joe Stack doesn’t deserve to be called a terrorist. Although I despise the methods of Al-Qaida and other extremist groups, I can actually understand the desperation behind it. The rank and file members of those factions perpetrate atrocities because they have suffered atrocities, on a national scale. Contrast that with Joe Stack, who owned his own business, owned a house, cars, and a private plane, and still had time to play in a country band for a little extra money. Not exactly the same sort of desperation.

Joe Stack’s act was simply the ultimate temper tantrum, thrown by a man consumed by the most pathetic sort of selfishness. That doesn’t make him a terrorist – it makes him the world’s oldest emo kid.

Belly

2010-02-18T14:36:00.006-07:00

I know I promised to move all of my fitness posts over to my other blog, but this is more in keeping with my current angst, so it goes here.

I have hit the metabolic hurdle known as middle age. Although I am still seeing improvement in my strength and cardio I am stuck as far as weight loss goes. I used to be able to lose weight pretty quickly with a reasonable effort, but my metabolism seems to have slowed to a crawl in the last year or so. I have been losing and regaining the same 4 or 5 pounds for months now, seemingly regardless of diet or exercise. Add to this my body's fun habit of storing said fat around my midsection and you have an irritated and paunchy Pontifex Niger.

I'm nowhere near the size of this guy, but in order to reach some of my fitness goals (pull-ups, pistols, running longer distances, competing in grappling tournaments, etc.) I really need to lower my body weight. I am already quite strong in some ways, but my strength to weight ratio is pitiful. Even though I can press and pull quite a bit in various lifts, something as basic as a strict form dip is near impossible for me due to my tonnage. I don't mind working hard toward an exercise goal, but it is unlikely that my arms will EVER be strong enough to do that - more weight loss is required.

Excess abdominal fat is a warning sign that you may have "metabolic syndrome." The nutrition and fitness communities are quite divided on this issue - there's no clear consensus on the best way to burn off the spare tire, especially if you exhibit such resistance. There is also virtually no information written with vegans or vegetarians in mind. There is, however, general agreement in medical cirlces that it increases your chances of heart disease, stroke, and diabetes. Since I have a genetic history rich in such conditions I'm even more at risk.

The really shitty thing about this is that I have this nagging memory of a skinny, fit, and highly functional me. It happened many years ago when I did the Atkins diet. I lost 70+ pounds in a very painless way (well, painless to me but very painful to the animals involved). I was able to keep it off for quite a few years, even after I switched back to being a vegetarian. The problem for me seems to be the carb content of my diet - it's hard to eat vegan and not eat a lot of carbs, or at least, more than is currently recommended.

And regarding those recommendations - after roughly 25 years of observing trends in the nutrition and fitness industry, I have come to the conclusion that we are no closer to understanding human nutrition than we ever have been. The trend shifts every 4-5 years and frequently the new trend diametrically opposes the preceding one. We might as well just go back to trying to balance the 4 humours.

So you see my dilemma. I strive to live a vegan lifestyle for ethical reasons; I sincerely believe in trying to reduce suffering as much as possible. I know it has been scientifically shown that one can be fit and healthy as a vegan, but apparently I suck at it. Worse yet, sucking at it may kill me sooner, which would actually increase the suffering of my loved ones, my partner, and the children I'd like to have some day. I know that a carb-restricted diet would get my body weight down, and I also know that I feel good (physically) when I eat that way, but there is virtually no way to do that without eating flesh. Even if I found a local source of eggs that I could feel good about (no battery cages, no debeaking, etc.) I don't believe that I could eat primarily eggs for several months. I would have to eat meat, probably in sizeable quantities. When you add this to my usual February angst, I am seriously unhappy. I hate eating, I hate my body, and I hate my own weakness and lack of discipline.

As a Buddhist, I am supposed to seek out the middle path. The Buddha taught us to avoid both asceticism and hedonism, and strive for balance. Is veganism too ascetic? Is the no-carb thing too hedonistic?

I don't know.

Terminus

2010-02-09T00:57:00.002-07:00

Not sure what to make of this. It's being expanded into a feature film by the writer of District Nine.

Tea Speak

2010-02-05T17:46:00.003-07:00

As you probably know, the Tea Party Convention is taking place right now in Nashville. A couple of other Tea Party groups and some Republican leaders have been a bit cross with Tea Party Nation for charging a $549 registration fee plus airfare and hotel to attend this little soiree. Two tea party groups in particular, the American Liberty Alliance and the National Precinct Alliance, are boycotting the meetings, and Representatives Michele Bachmann and Marsha Blackburn have both withdrawn from speaking engagements at the convention because the House Ethics Rules forbid members supporting a commercial venture. Spokesman Mark Skoda, however, says that no one should be surprised that Tea Party Nation is a for-profit venture. He told Time magazine (and I quote) "It's a misnomer that in order to be a grassroots activist, you have to be a pauper."

Given his misuse of the word "misnomer" I think it's perhaps a misnomer to call him a "spokesman." Now, I'm kidding a bit, but this slip of the tongue is actually a beautiful example of what's wrong with our understanding of the Tea Party movement. The term he was probably looking for is "misconception" - "It's a misconception that in order to be a grassroots activist, you have to be a pauper" - and even then his statement still doesn't make sense. By definition, a grassroots activist is someone who is working outside the traditional power structure, usually for little or no pay. You see, Skoda is redefining the term "grassroots activist" in a Tea Party way, and once you understand that, Tea Party rhetoric is much easier to comprehend.

My initial investigations have indicated that Tea Speak is not a completely new language – rather it is a dialect. They have a long list of words they have repurposed. Some of the most commonly misunderstood words in Tea Speak include Socialist, Communist, Nazi, Stalinist, Totalitarian, Oppression, Impeachment, and Racist. For the most part, they have no idea what these words mean in English, but each has been redefined in their own unique Tea Party way. For example, "impeachment" no longer means “the legal process of removing an elected official from office for misconduct." In Tea speak it means "we're still pissed off that our guy lost." Socialist refers to "not Republican" and "Totalitarian" translates as "guy who regulates banks." "Racist" has come to mean, "successful black man," "bipartisan" means "we want it our way even though we don't have the votes," and I'm not sure, but I think "Nazi" now means, "someone please pay attention to me!"

Now, far be it from me to stop these folks – I’m all for anything which splits the Right and insures that the Republicans can’t win in 2012, but the real misnomer here is to call this group of idiots a "political party." They are Jonathan Swift's confederacy of dunces, but old J-Money was only partly right. They don’t oppose Obama because he is a genius as Swift predicted, but rather because their masters and organizers see that opposing Obama is profitable. The money made this week in Nashville is small potatoes compared to the advertising revenues of Fox News and talk radio.

I’m new to this Tea Speak translation thing and I’m not fluent yet by any means, but I think “grassroots activist” now actually means "opportunistic whore.”

Why the Silence?

2010-02-04T15:08:00.004-07:00

An update, and an explanation...

-So, grad school continues. I have been refocusing my prospectus so that the project is qualitative and not quantitative in nature, and that is just about done. I need to get it to my chairman and get it defended quickly so I can start grinding out the actual thesis - I want to get on with it and finish this damn thing.

-Soon we will know where everyone is going for the next school year, and the stress of finding new housing will begin. I don't know if I'm going to be heading off to a PhD program, deferring for a year, or just looking for a job. In any event, it is unlikely that I will be living in Flock Hall. That's a bit sad - I've found that I enjoy the tribal nature of communal living. To put this in perspective, in the last 32 months Flock Hall 2.0 has housed 14 people. Out of the original crew, I am the sole remaining inmate. I guess my sentence is done - this summer I'll probably be paroled to independent housing.

-My radio spots have been going quite well. I need to post links to the most recent shows, since I've done some well-received rants of late. It feels good to say what you've been thinking and have others raise a fist and say, "hell yeah!" That's been happening a lot lately. It makes me think that I might not just be talking out my ass.

-I'm enjoying the kid's class I'm teaching at the MMA gym. They are so pleasantly full of life and excited about working out. It's a real change from the exhausted and stressed grad students I spend my days with. The kids are happy to be at the gym, happy to run and sweat and get out of breath without goals or trying to fit into a certain dress size, run a certain distance, or lift a certain weight. I should pay more attention to their attitudes.

-I'm really struggling with my body right now. I gained some weight back during the last half of the previous semester and during Christmas, and now it's a bitch to get rid of it. I am not exactly filled with energy, either, so getting in extra workouts is tough. It's cold outside, so I am hungry all the time - it sucks.

-I haven't been posting much lately. I could give you numerous reasons, but it all boils down to me just being depressed. It is the dead of winter, I am struggling with meeting all of my obligations (to my degree, my friends, my pets, myself...) and I am tired. Really, seriously tired. It goes beyond a physical exhaustion (I'm actually getting much more sleep than I normally do) to an emotional, spiritual sort of tired. I am soul sick, perhaps, like that described by the Psalmist. Of course, his remedy is of no help to me - you can't turn to a god you don't believe exists.

-So the above is why this blog has been so quiet of late. I assume (hope) that when this cursed month passes I will get more sun and get outdoors more and I'll feel better. Until then, I can't promise that I will post anything regularly except my radio rants.

Step Away from the Rock

2010-01-30T00:36:00.006-07:00

President Obama went today to talk to GOP members of the House at their retreat in Maryland. To the shock of no one, he reiterated his plea for bipartisanship. He asked, AGAIN, for an end to the legislative gridlock – stating that the American people don’t want “Washington to continue being so Washington-like.”

After chiding them a bit for the party-line votes that stalled the stimulus bill, and patting them on the back for being willing to spend freely in Afghanistan, he closed with, “I'm ready and eager to work with anyone who is willing to proceed in the spirit of goodwill.”

(sigh) Isn’t he adorable?

Despite how exasperated I am by his optimism, I am impressed with his perseverance. He has a dogged belief in the basic goodness of the GOP that is just amazing, and as far as I can see, completely unfounded. I like to think of him as an incredibly eloquent Charlie Brown, trying, time and again, to kick the bipartisan football - he always seems to believe that TODAY is the day the Lucys of the GOP are not going to yank it away.

Unfortunately, the failure archetypes that suit this situation best are not Charlie Brown and Lucy, but Sisyphus and the rock. Obama trudges up the hill, pushing the bipartisan boulder before him, only to watch it tumble down again. The key difference in these two visions of the president’s efforts is that while Charlie Brown could, conceivably, some day, actually kick the ball, Sisyphus is cursed to fail for eternity.

The French absurdist Albert Camus insisted “one must imagine Sisyphus happy" because "the struggle itself towards the heights is enough to fill a man's heart." Obama runs the risk here of becoming this absurd hero, living only to struggle at a task that can never be realized. That is a lovely way to be remembered by history and I’m sure it would warm his heart in his golden years to know that he stuck to his principles, but I’d rather remember him as the president who pulled us out of the trench dug by the Bush hegemony. Maybe even just as the guy who let gays serve openly in the military – anything is better than recalling him as the president who best impersonated Wile E. Coyote.

The only thing that has ever created bipartisanship in our government is war – we are usually pretty unified in kicking the shit out of someone – and even on that it’s not much of a stretch across the aisle for Republicans, who are mostly gun-loving hawks anyway. Bipartisan governance has never existed in any democracy – hell, even Julius Caesar had to deal with filibusters by Cato the Younger. Factionalism is actually an integral part of how democracies have always worked – Obama needs to stop trying to undo human nature.

In fact, Mr. President, you just need to accept it. They are never going to join with you, never going to let you succeed, and while I can admire your impressive stomach for failure, we all need you to get some shit done before the political pendulum swings back to the right. Once that happens, they are just going to claim the Democrats strong-armed them anyway – if you’re going to be accused of it regardless, you might as well go ahead and do it. Change the cloture rules, kill the filibuster, do whatever it takes, but swing the sledgehammer the American people have given the Democrats, and let the GOP push the rock for a while.

Disaster Area

2010-01-22T17:51:00.004-07:00

Ok, brace yourself kids. This is not going to be pleasant.

I am sick to death of hearing about the relief effort in Haiti.

Not because the sitution isn't dire.

Not because donations aren't needed.

Not because we've given enough or done enough already.

Not because I am a heartless bastard like the members of the "National Alliance for Liberty and Freedom, a coalition of national libertarian, tea party, objectivist, and Ayn Rand groups" - the asshats who run this site...

No, I'm sick of it because it took an earthquake for the aid to arrive.

Long before this disaster, Haiti was recognized as the poorest nation in the Western Hemisphere. According to the CIA World Factbook, 80% of Haiti's population lives below the poverty line, and 54% live in abject poverty. They have suffered occupation and oppression by Western nations (the U.S. occupied Haiti from 1915 to 1934) throughout the nation's existence. After they won their independence and became the first black republic in 1804, the slave-trading nations boycotted them and pushed their emerging economy into ruin. In order to lift the boycott, in 1838 they agreed to repay French slave owners for the land they lost in revolution, to the tune of 150 million francs, plus interest. That debt was borne by the Haitian people until payed off in 1922.

They struggle with a mostly agricultural economy that is susceptible to natural disasters, and an imbalance between export crops and food crops that leads to widespread hunger. Illiteracy and ignorance are rampant as only 30% of their children begin to attend school, and of that number only 2% stay in school past the 5th grade. There is a test at the 5th grade called the "sertifica" which students must pass to go on in the public schools. It is in French, so those who speak only Creole (that is the poor, the bulk of the population) have little to no chance of passing it.

They have no infrastructure to speak of. Roads, bridges, dams, sanitation facilities, utility companies, phone lines - all are largely absent in Haiti. Haiti's government is among the most corrupt in the world, and millions in donations from outside the country that were intended for public works have been skimmed off into the pockets of the elites.

What few jobs that are available outside the agricultural sector are largely manufaturing. Rather than pay the national minimum wage of $2.60 an hour, companies base their pay system on piece work, which reduces the actual rate of pay to less than $2.00 per hour. Even this pittance is double the $1.00 per hour typical in the agricultural sector. Historically, unions have been the antidote to this kind of exploitation, but with hundreds of thousands unemployed there is no hope or leverage for a workers movement.

So once the dust has settled, the dead have been buried, the ex-presidents asking for donations go home, the text message donation lines are closed, and the pictures of the devastation stop making ratings, Haiti will STILL be a disaster area – but we only make donations to clean up natural disasters, not the ones we helped make.

Resolution Results

2010-01-19T14:32:00.002-07:00

In our most recent poll, I asked:

What are your New Year's Resolutions?

The results were not really shocking - we are fat, out of shape, spendthrifts who refuse to give up our addictions. The numbers are below.

Lose weight. (61%)
Quit smoking/drinking/shooting up/huffing gas, etc. (7%)
Work out. (53%)
Get better grades. (23%)
Finish my novel. (23%)
Eat my veggies. (23%)
Spend more time with my loved ones. (23%)
Save money. (53%)
Finish... something. ANYthing. For once in my life... (23%)
No need for resolutions - I'm perfect as I am. (15%)
No resolutions - there is enough failure in my life already. (23%)

Perhaps the 15% who are perfect could act as life coaches for the rest of us...

Stupid Quotes

2010-01-15T01:13:00.004-07:00

Some really stupid racist things have been stated publicly of late. Some have been honest mistakes - poor choices of words or just cases of ignorance that carried no hostile intent - while some were purposely malicious. Let's sort the bigots from the idiots, shall we?

"'Light-skinned" and having "no Negro dialect unless he wanted to have one.'" Ok, so Harry Reid chose his words poorly, but doesn't anyone remember that back during the primaries and the election there was a lot of discussion by members of both parties about Obama's complexion and his elocution? I even recall a few mentions of his mixed race parentage, and comments that he might not be black enough. So now a book comes out and we discover that Harry Reid was taking part in that discussion, and suddenly the Right is trying to paint him as a grand wizard of the KKK. Reid's comment is not so very different from the comments folks made about Dan Quayle - both his appearance and his elocution were heavily discussed. Of course in his case, it was usually noted that he looked quite a bit like Robert Redford and spoke like he had a brain injury, but you see my point.

In a somewhat similar vein, Michael Steele's ridiculous "honest injun" comment is another slip of the tongue that has been overplayed. Yes, it's offensive to Native Americans, but it's obvious that he didn't say it with any ill intent. It appeared to be an ordinary bit of dialog for him - which doesn't make him a bigot, it just makes him oblivious to the offense he's doing. It also makes me wonder a bit about his upbringing - I am curious where this black version of "Leave it To Beaver" took place, and how his vocabulary has managed to stay in 1958...

Now on to the truly malicious - Pat Robertson's "pact with the devil" explanation for the Haitian earthquake is one of the most reprehensible things that has been publicly broadcast in quite a while. Perhaps only slightly more reprehensible than his assertion that Katrina was caused by queers and abortion clinics. The obvious heartless insensitivity of the comment aside, I have a small logistical question. If the pact with the devil was made in order to help the slaves of Haiti free themselves from the rule of Napoleon, then it would have to have been made prior to 1804 revolt led by Francois-Dominique Toussaint L'ouverture. That was 206 years ago - why did it take so long for the heavenly father to get around to dishing up this disciplinary tremor? Is God's inbox that full?

Not to be outdone, Rush Limbaugh took the opportunity to call the Obama administration's promise of $100 million in aid to Haiti an attempt to gain credibility with "both light-skinned and dark-skinned black community in this country." And so we come full circle - I'm certain that he only used those qualifiers to keep the unfortunate wording of Harry Reid's quote fresh in the minds of his listeners. I'll give Rush credit; he can offend like no one else.

I'm just going to make a donation to the Red Cross and turn my TV and radio off for a while...

Holiday Wrap-Up

2010-01-08T11:16:00.004-07:00

I have returned from the Northern Stronghold of the Papal Mother (known by mortals as "Oregon") and I have learned a few important things...

1) A 2:00AM blow out of the Popemobile's left front tire about 20 miles west of Evanston, WY made it clear to me that the good people at AAA deserve every penny of my membership dues. The tow truck driver who came out to assist us was awesome and deserves a medal, or at least some kind of hot drink.

2) Giving your sister's 4-year old a drum set for Christmas is just as awesome as it sounds - as long as you get to drop the gift and leave. Having to listen to her arhythmic flailings for the next three days was just poor planning on my part.

3) The gift of the year for the wayward pope on your list was the TomTom GPS - I actually got two of them. One was returned for cash, which I cleverly turned into a new tire (see #1 above).

4) The udu is a great stress reliever, and it has proven to be the perfect background noise for the chatting and gaming that takes place in the Flockhall great room on a nearly daily basis. Now that I have started to understand the various sounds that are possible, I really want to get an internal microphone so I can record my random thumping (not to be confused with arhythmic flailings, see #2 above).

5) Disney's return to old school animation, The Princess and the Frog, was not nearly as bad as I had imagined it would be. If you have access to a young child who can legitimize your presence at the theatre, go see it. The moral of the story appears to be that feckless European princes should not mess with voodoo, and wishing on stars still works. Also, marriage is key to happiness and curse-breaking.

6) The most recent movie version of Sherlock Holmes was much like my experience of reading the books - a resounding "eh." I didn't hate it, but I won't sit through it again, much to the chagrin of certain inmates of Flockhall. I suspect said inmates are simply interested in gawking at the shirtless Robert Downey Jr., and screw them, they can wait for Ironman 2.

7) Lastly, I have found that a month off from just about all responsibilities is not good for the Pontifex Niger. I am, by nature, shiftless and lazy, so giving me license to indulge my base inclinations only leads to sloth. While I feel good about some of my activities over the last four weeks - I have returned to a regular running program, I have practiced my guitar much more, and I have done some reading for pleasure - for the most part it seems that lack of structure turns me into a slovenly oaf. Perhaps it's best that I was swapped at birth with a pauper, saving me from the angst of noblesse oblige - everything happens for a reason, children.

Completely Stolen Content

2009-12-24T06:06:00.007-07:00

This is some information on our Christmas present from the Senate. All kidding aside, this is important information, displayed graphically. Click on it to blow it up, and prepare to be less pissed off about the lack of a public option.

I heard about it from Fleur, but I got it here.

Also, there are about 8 hours left to vote on the "Change We Can Believe In" poll on the sidebar.

HWJV?

2009-12-19T19:46:00.007-07:00

How Would Jesus Vote?

I rarely put up bible verses on this blog (I'm afraid it might burst into flames or something...) but this has been really bothering me of late. The following is the New International Version of Matthew 25:34-40.

34 Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world.
35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in,
36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
37 Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink?
38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you?
39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
40 The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

This passage is part of the bit about "the Sheep and the Goats." Jesus is hanging out on the Mount of Olives with his crew, talking about "the end of the age" (Matthew 24:3). He makes a clear statement about compassion and charity when he tells them that in order to be among the sheep who go to heaven, you have to feed the hungry, give water to the thirsty, take in the stranger, clothe the naked, care for the sick, and visit those imprisoned.

Given that bit in bold, why is it that the Republicans, the party that most often invokes Jesus as it's guiding influence, is so dead set against a public option? I think many of these so-called Christians need remedial Bible study. Notice that it doesn't say "...I was sick and you told me to get off my ass and find a job with health insurance for myself..." It also doesn't say, "...whatever you do for one of the least of these brothers of mine, it must reduce the deficit and not increase taxes..."

As usual, it appears that the teachings of Jesus are embraced when profitable and ignored when inconvenient. The greed, selfishness, and overall discompassion of their positions is appalling. I believe Christ would be saddened by all this, and the number of goats would just keep rising...

Would some conservative Christian please explain these verses to me in light of recent events?

Christmas is about Tradition

2009-12-18T17:50:00.004-07:00

I've posted this before, but it deserves additional bandwidth. This touching video reminds us how precious Christmas traditions truly are...

Part two can be found here. Watch it for the children.

Leftover poll

2009-12-14T11:57:00.007-07:00

I should have written up these results about two weeks ago, but better late than never, right?
The question was...
WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THANKSGIVING LEFTOVER?

Results:
turkey 0%
stuffing 5%
cranberry goo 29%
pie 5%
candied yams 5%
greenbean casserole 23%
congealed gravy 0%
green glop (that weird "salad" with the green jello...) 23%
other (please specify in comments) 5%

Bottom line? Cranberry goo, green glop, and greenbean casserole should go directly into trash/compost/pigeon food immediately after the meal. No need for tupperware. And you thought statistics were useless!

The new poll is much more controversial...

Charitable Gifts

2009-12-13T21:52:00.006-07:00

I promised a post about making donations as gifts almost two weeks ago. Then the final push of the semester ate my life and I never got around to putting it up. My prospectus was turned in Friday, and I've been sleeping and playing video games ever since - I think I've finally recovered enough to get back to some semblance of brain activity.

In addition to the list of Pope Tested, Ministry Approved gifts found here, the Pontifex Niger also endorses the making of charitable donations in his name. Make a donation to any of the worthy organizations below and you will receive a minor beatification and a 10% discount on indulgences purchased before January 15th! You all have the power to make these "holy days" instead of "hollow daze." Go forth and donate!

The plight of great apes in captivity is a topic I have been interested in for a few years now. The Center for Great Apes is a sanctuary that takes in orangutans and chimpanzees and gives them a permanent home. Most of these apes come from the entertainment industry or from research, but there are a few who were raised as pets. A donation to the Center provides them with food, shelter, an enriching environment, and the company of their own species. For more on great apes in captivity and their legal rights, check out GRASP.

Farm Sanctuary provides a home and an adoption service for farm animals. The residents include chickens, ducks, pigs, cows, goats, and other animals rescued from terrible situations. The animals there often come from conditions of horrible and inhumane treatment, torture, and slaughter - there is even one goat there who was headed for a ritual sacrifice! (By the way, if your god still calls for blood offerings FUCK HIM! Believe what you like, but leave innocent animals out of your insanity, ok?)

Another fine adoption agency is the Rocky Mountain Aviculture Society. They are based in Denver, and I'm proud to be a member. They take in abandoned and surrendered parrots, housing, feeding, and providing veterinary care for them until a new home can be found. They can always use a few more dollars, and be honest - couldn't your karma use the cleansing? I know mine could.

If none of the suggestions above lights your fuse you can go to the No-Kill Network and find a no-kill animal shelter near you and donate to them. These shelters take in abandoned pets of all types and provide them with housing and care until a home can be found for them - or for the rest of their lives if necessary. Animals that don't end up at no-kill shelters end up at the other kind of shelter, which is not so much a shelter as it is pet DEATH ROW. Make a donation so no animal has to go there. Better yet, adopt an animal from a no-kill shelter. If that seems more like a gift for yourself than a gift for me, you can just name the pet after me. I love the idea of everyone having a puppy that reminds them of me! I can just imagine it on Christmas morning...

"God damnit!"
"What's wrong?"
"His Sinfulness shit on the floor again!"

That's EXACTLY what Christmas morning sounds like at Flock Hall.

Wish List

2009-12-01T19:52:00.010-07:00

It has been brought to my attention that I am one for whom it is hard to shop. I have been encouraged by the BCPs to construct the following list as an aid to the Cyber-Faithful. Naturally, I would be pleased with a donation to charity in my name - in fact, I have a post on that very topic planned for later this week - but for those of a more materialist bent, I present in no particular order a few things I'd like to have...

An udu. The udu is played by striking it with all parts of the hand, and by cupping the hand(s) over the hole(s). Different techniques and different locations on the drum yeild many different sounds. I love hand drumming (that is, drumming without sticks), and the udu offers a number of cool sounds, but with less volume than a doumbec, djembe, or congas. I could play this at FlockHall without disturbing all the other inmates...

A nice mate and bombilla for yerba mate. I have a serviceable mate and bombilla, but I would love to have a larger one (I am as big as a house - my caffeine tolerance/jones is quite phenomenal). Other yerba mate paraphernalia (like a cool thermos, so I can stop stealing Ducky's) would be lovely also, as would a bag of the herb itself.

Clubbells. They are an absolutely awesome workout tool. Versatile, sturdy, and even fun to use. There is something meditative about rhythmically swinging these beasts about your head, and they are coated in rubber in case you aren't all that coordinated. I have a pair of 15 pound clubbells - they are central to my workouts, but I have grown strong enough now that a larger clubbell would be a big help. Any club of 25 pounds or more would be useful for single-handed exercises, and disciplining the cat. KIDDING, of course. The cat is way too fast for that...

A push-up board. I know, I know - another workout toy, but this is an item I would use three, maybe four times a week, and think gratefully of the giver each time. If you like the idea of me sweating and grunting while I pump up and down and think of you, then this is the gift choice for you! It would also be perfect if you are just tired of looking at my flabby moobs (man boobs). All kidding aside, this helps reduce wrist pain while doing push-ups and other "forward leaning rest position" exercises. When gripping the ends of the board, your hands are in a more natural position and your wrists don't hurt... which leaves you more able to concentrate on the searing pain elsewhere in your body...

Apple butter. It's not just a joke around here - I really do love apple butter. It contains important trace elements that my body needs in order to keep up with my hectic schedule of evil-doing. The store brands are ok, but they lack the homespun goodness of apple butter that someone canned themselves. I like my apple butter like I like my women - smooth, spicy, and straight - but I am not opposed to the bi varieties (pumpkin-apple, apple-pecan, peach-apple, etc.).

If none of these suit your tastes, you can simply use the three cop-out gifts my family always uses; books, games, and hot sauce.

The End is Nigh

2009-12-01T00:29:00.004-07:00

Another semester is winding down, and I have remarkably few things to complete these days. These are the final days of the final classes I'll be taking at UW - a take home exam, a 15-page paper, and a presentation will complete my coursework here. Next semester I'll just be writing my thesis - no classes, and although I still have GA funding, I am not assigned to a professor.

I am not worried about getting this semester's work done on time.
I am not worried about writing my thesis, or defending it.
I am not worried about my PhD applications, or getting accepted somewhere.
In fact, I am not even excited about being done here.

The academy has finally rendered me numb.

Well - not entirely numb. I can still feel how tired I am. I know that by the end of the month-long winter break I will be ready to get back to work, but right now I just want to sleep.

Caffeine Use Results

2009-11-27T11:39:00.009-07:00

Coffee, drip (61%)
Coffee, espresso (27%)
Coffee, French press (44%)
Coffee, other (lattes, frappachinos, iced, etc.) (55%)
Hot Tea, plain (72%)
Hot Tea, doctored (with sugar, honey, cream, etc.) (44%)
Iced Tea, plain (44%)
Iced Tea, doctored (with sugar, lemon, bourbon, etc.) (33%)
Yerba Mate (11%)
Soda, regular (55%)
Soda, diet (33%)
Chocolate (72%)
Other (mints, soap, breath spray, intravenous drip, etc.) (22%)

This poll demonstrates that despite the academic bent of my readers, the Flock is still a "Blue Collar Joe" kind of group. At least in terms of caffeine. The average Flocker takes his tea hot and straight up and makes his coffee with little paper filters. Given the number of computer nerds, gamers, and other self-confessed geeks in our ranks I'm amazed at the small response for the more esoteric caffeine application methods. Perhaps a trip to this page of Think Geek's catalog would be a good place to start your holiday shopping!

I also feel the need to talk up my new favorite caffeine application method - yerba mate. Contrary to popular belief, it is NOT tea. At least not in the traditional sense, nor in the Red Zinger herbal hippy sort of way, either. It is made from the leaves and stems of a South American holly (Ilex paraguariensis), and it contains a fair amount of caffeine, ranging between 0.7% and 1.7% of its dry weight.

The neat thing about it is that re-brewing of the same leaves doesn't make it bitter. In fact, the proper way to do it involves pouring hot (not boiling) water over the leaves repeatedly until the flavor is gone. It is common for several friends to share the same gourd, pouring more hot water on the leaves for each person. You can add sugar, honey, citrus peel, maple syrup, or even whiskey to the gourd - but it's quite yummy plain. There are few clinical studies of mate, but apparently, this re-brewing process is very effective at extracting the xanthines from the leaves, so the actual dose from it is quite potent. Interestingly, the three xanthines present in mate have been shown to have a relaxing effect on smooth muscle tissue, yet a stimulating effect on myocardial (heart) tissue. It hasn't made my heart race, but my response to caffeine is somewhat dulled by my history of overuse and my gargantuan bulk.

The paraphernalia for this beverage is quite lovely as well. The gourds (called mate, in the indigenous language spoken in the Andes, which means "cup") range from plain and utilitarian to elaborate silver-chased affairs with engraved bombillas (that's the straw you sip it with) to match. Very pretty, and quite satisfying to the hand, too. Drinking it reminds me quite a bit of smoking a pipe, and some people claim that without sugar it tastes a bit like tobacco.

Ok, enough gushing. I'm going to go have a gourd now. Enjoy your Black Friday!

Oh, one last thing - new poll just went up.

Sunday Sermon, Thanksgiving 2009 Edition

2009-11-26T23:08:00.000-07:00

Everything was delicious this year. The tofurkey, the braised kale, the southwestern corn casserole - all turned out perfectly. The leftovers are in the fridge, the dishes are done, and everyone else has gone to bed. I'm sitting on the couch, seriously considering ordering the TimeLife "Sweet Soul of the '70s" collection. The pitch made by Cuba Gooding Sr. and his lovely young cohost is so compelling. They're showing clips from Soul Train, and I am becoming seriously nostalgic. It was hard being a little white boy tenor in the South in the '70s. There was a period when I really wanted to be Marvin Gaye.

Perhaps I should go to bed soon...

It's been a lovely day. After a slow morning (which began at noon for me), we enjoyed a quiet little feast. I was thankful for the food, for the company, and for everything else. I hope all of you enjoyed your day, and gave thanks in whatever way you deemed appropriate.

Drug Poll Results

2009-11-18T00:07:00.006-07:00

The question: What is your drug of choice?

The results:
Caffeine (50%)
Nicotine (0%)
Alcohol (10%)
Marijuana (0%)
Cocaine (0%)
Heroin (0%)
Methamphetamine (0%)
LSD (0%)
Fallout 3 (32%)
I don't do drugs - my body is a temple. (I'm also boring.) (7%)

Ok, the caffeine is no surprise. The recycling bins at Flockhall are constantly overflowing with diet Coke cans and Mountain Dew bottles.

The lack of dedicated smokers is no shock either. Cold weather, a smoke-free lease, and a house full of pet birds pretty much guarantees that people we hang out with don't smoke. In fact, I had to leave the house a few weeks ago to find a place to smoke a cigar.

The Fallout 3 responses were higher than I expected. I can think of three or four regular readers who would choose Fallout over life itself, but I wonder who the others were...

I commend the handful of drunks who responded. If you can't be honest on an internet survey, where can you be honest, right?

The biggest surprise to me was the lack of marijuana responses. I am absofuckinglutely certain that there are potheads among the Flock... were you all too stoned to vote?

It was suggested to me that I didn't include a couple perennial favorites - there were no responses for X/MDMA, or ketamine, or poppers, or any number of others. Sorry if your fix was missed...

Since so many chose caffeine, our next poll is on how you get your jolt (see sidebar).

Why is it Right?

2009-11-17T03:24:00.005-07:00

Despite the previous post, sometimes the IMs around here are quite serious...

"Ethics are not based in a fear of regret, or guilt, or fear of retribution, but rather in compassion. Realizing that we are all essentially the same, and we all want essentially the same things - that is the basis of ethical behavior. It took me forever to get this, but basically everyone just wants to be treated well. We are truly ethical when we can understand the hurt of others. The lesson is that we all deserve decent treatment."

I wrote all that during a chat, and I wish I could own it. How often do we do the right things for the wrong reasons? I don't cheat on tests, but is it because I know it's unfair to the other students, or is it because I fear expulsion? I avoid meat, but is it to reduce the suffering of animals or because I fear heart disease?

In the long run the results are the same. It is a question of orthodoxy vs. orthopraxy - does it matter if the motivation is right, so long as the ethical thing gets done?

In a utilitarian sense, getting the ethical thing done regardless of the motivation is better than not getting it done at all, but without the compass of compassion we lose our way. We may fall into legalism, living by the hollow letter of the law, losing sight of the guiding principles.

There is an old Zen story about this...

"When the spiritual teacher and his disciples began their evening meditation, the cat who lived in the monastery made such noise that it distracted them. So the teacher ordered that the cat be tied up during the evening practice. Years later, when the teacher died, the cat continued to be tied up during the meditation session. And when the cat eventually died, another cat was brought to the monastery and tied up. Centuries later, learned descendants of the spiritual teacher wrote scholarly treatises about the religious significance of tying up a cat for meditation practice."

I think we tie up the cat too often.

Just Like Old Times

2009-11-12T06:09:00.003-07:00

In a time-honored tradition, I engaged a member of the Flock in a sleep-deprived IM conversation this morning...

Cerus: Get a morning shift?
Reverend: 3-7
Cerus: ahh
Reverend: Watching "Legend of Neil." It's making me dumb.
Cerus: But it's a good way to catch teh dumb
Reverend: oh, Felicia Day as the fairy… I'd hit it.
Cerus: No one would think less of you for it
Well, maybe someone. But they'd be wrong, and stupid.
Reverend: Even if she is the size of a smurf…
Cerus: True, but as porn has taught us, being a smurf or smurf-like doesn't prevent a porn From emerging.
Editor's Note: Google "Smurf Porn." It's in Spanish, even. The Papa Smurf scene is scarring, and Gargomel is just fucking wrong.
Reverend: eh.
Cerus: so, that may extend to other areas (shudder)
Reverend: I don't hink your date should fade or smear on you. Just saying.
Cerus: fair enough.
Man, it's going to be a shitty day.
Reverend: Why?
Cerus: I woke up two hours ago and I have this general feeling of dread I can't shake today
Reverend: Return to bed. Hide. That's my advice. It's the American way.
Cerus: meh, I've been back to bed. Sleep isn't coming. I might be stressing about my thesis or something.
Reverend: You think?
Cerus: More so about the other students asking me every 10 seconds if I have every single detail planned out and ready to go.
Reverend: Tell them you do. That's what I do. I love the look on their faces.
Cerus: Ha.
Reverend: I'm got a bastard.
…why is there a "got" in there?
I have no idea.
I should sleep at some point.
I haven't slept since 9:00 yesterday morning.
Cerus: ahh, well that should be easy for you
Reverend: Going on 21 hours now.
Getting kind of silly.
Cerus: I can hit about 38 hours before my body completely tells me to fuck off, it's getting sleep.
The six hours before that include a lot of auditory and visual hallucinations
Reverend: I used to do that... but I saw the Care Bears go feral once. It's not fun anymore.
Cerus: fair enough
Reverend: I also ate cookie dough ingredients once.
Not the dough - just the ingredients, one at a time.
Cerus: nice
Reverend: The egg was tough to get down. A little gaggy.
Cerus: I imagine. The shells hurt.
Reverned: Right. I had to floss.

The Violence of Our Times

2009-11-10T11:43:00.006-07:00

I have been neglecting my internet life. My Google Reader has over 1000 items in it. Most are blogs and webcomics that I used to follow religiously. I haven't been posting, or tweeting, or commenting, or anything on the internet of late; hell, I'm even behind on my pr0n. Serious slacking has been taking place, in all maters not directly related to school.

Today, however, I'm feeling like I have time for other things again. I feel like I have time to write - that I must write. It's good to emerge into the light again. I attribute this rejuvenation to two things. First, I went to see "The Men Who Stare at Goats" which I heartily recommend to anyone who can relax and enjoy the humor of it without getting all worked up over the tax dollars spent in the pursuit of psychic powers. Secondly, I came across a quotation the other day from Merton. That's Thomas, the Trappist monk, not Robert, the sociologist.

"To allow oneself to be carried away by a multitude of conflicting concerns, to surrender to too many demands, to commit oneself to too many projects, to want to help everyone in everything, is to succumb to the violence of our times."

I do that. Sociology is not a field for worriers, as we are steeped in the evidence of man's failure to live with himself in any numbers. The puzzle of how to adjust our ancient brains - designed to respond to the hazards of living in small groups on the savanna, armed with pointed sticks - to the paved and air conditioned world we have built to house our millions keeps some of us up at night. I'm one of those.

But Merton is right - it is a violence that I do to myself. I'm not likely to solve that puzzle by forcing myself into an intellectual fugue. I am much more likely to write something worthwhile, either on this blog or sociologically, when I am relaxed. Which leads me to our poll for this week - drugs! Please give your honest response (which is completely anonymous and untraceable) to the poll at right. If your favorite drug isn't listed, please feel free to mention it in the comments (which aren't anonymous at all...).

Is This Really a Problem?

2009-10-22T09:28:00.002-06:00

Is body part furniture the wave of the future? I can't wait for the release of the scrotum couch...

Yes, We're Actually Writing This Thing...

2009-10-15T10:40:00.010-06:00

Cerus, Jason, and I recently started talking about a joint research paper. Amid much joking, we began to seriously discuss the possibility of doing a paper on -

Furries.

Our initial search of journals turned up nothing on them - they seemed to be the last unsurveyed subculture in the world. With our combined academic skills and knowledge of the 'net, we seemed to be the perfect men for the job. I was clawing my way through my midterms so that I could get to work on our questionnaire when Jason sent me this:

"Furries From A to Z (Anthropomorphism to Zoomorphism)"

Of course someone has already studied this. How stupid of me. Now, the obvious thing to do is to read this article carefully and refute it with findings of our own. I haven't really dug into it yet, but on first glance I did find some of their questions to be odd. "Do you consider yourself to be less than 100% human?" "If you could become 0% human, would you?" These questions don't really contribute to a clear picture of who furries are, and generate useless answers like, "I'm about 68% human..." What does that even mean?

Ah, the bloodless cut and thrust of academia...

We'll be focusing our study on a larger population of furries, with an eye toward gathering more demographic information. If you are a furry, don't let the media stereotype you. Make your voice heard by participating in our study! I'll be posting a link to our questionnaire here soon, but feel free to contact me by email in the meantime.

For the Woman Who Has Every Damn Thing

2009-10-12T14:02:00.000-06:00

20 mph = 8.9408 m/s

2009-10-09T21:01:00.002-06:00

Last weekend, at 2:50 in the morning, I was struck by the need for a sandwich… a veggie one, with avocado. If you are nocturnal like me, you know that means I had just 10 minutes to get to Jimmy John’s. Making it from Malcontent Manor to Jimmy John’s in 10 minutes is possible… well, it used to be possible, before the speed limits around campus were lowered to 20mph.

Most people go more than 20mph in a parking lot. In most cars with automatic transmissions, if you just take your foot off the brake, you’re doing more than 20mph. 20mph is the speed reserved for one or two blocks around the front of an elementary school, and even then there is a light - it’s only for about an hour in the morning, and an hour in the afternoon. 20mph is slower than the standard speed limit for residential zones, where there are old people, and children on bikes and rollerblades, and folks playing catch, and walking family pets – if 25mph is safe enough for that population, why, then, is the speed limit all the way around UW’s campus 20mph, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week?

Is it because the leaders of tomorrow can’t successfully cross the street?
Did some trustee’s kid got mowed down on his way to Roofie Night on sorority row?
Is the city just trying to keep me from getting to Jimmy John’s in a timely fashion?!

It’s none of those reasons, as I helpfully explained to the officers who stopped me on 15th street. It’s just a revenue generation scheme. Just like doubling the cost of metered parking on campus, and extending the city permit parking areas, this too, is simply another way to squeeze the citizens of Laramie (Laramie-ans? Laramites? whatever) for a few bucks more.

As I told the officers – and yes, that’s plural, because I have been stopped twice on that downhill section of 15th – that speed limit is bullshit. As cops, they have discretion in how and when they enforce the laws, and as a former cop myself, I know this is one law that I would not enforce unless the offense was truly heinous. I wouldn’t stop someone at 2:50 in the morning on that stretch of road unless he was swerving from curb to curb with dead babies wedged in his wheel wells. Any cop that enforces that speed limit is either a ball-less automaton, or just trying to hang some paper to justify his existence.

When I politely explained that to them, one had the temerity to ask me if I’d been drinking. Seriously? Would a drunk person use the word "automaton" correctly in a sentence? Honestly! Not exactly detective material, are you Skippy?

In the end, that officer saw the logic of my argument – or he decided it wasn’t worth tazering me over. At any rate, I didn’t get a ticket, or an avocado sandwich that night, and frankly, I’m still pissed about it.

The moral of this story? Speak your mind. I questioned the genital soundness of a cop and lived to tell about it, and you can too! Also - plan ahead for the munchies…

A Glimpse of the Future

2009-10-06T17:28:00.012-06:00

It's that time of the semester again. It's the time when you question why you're studying what you're studying. That leads to questioning why you're in school, then questioning what you want to do when you graduate, which leads to questioning your reason for living. Ah, good times, good times...

I have been through this many times before, of course. I have been enrolled in at least 6 credits for every semester since fall of 2001. I am coming to the close of my third degree now, so I suppose I have the right to be feeling a bit burned out. Usually, at this point in the semester I'm beginning to feel the pressure of a couple annotated bibliographies, perhaps a large presentation or two, and a big paper looming on the horizon. It makes you feel guilty every time you sit down without a book or article in your hands. Everything you do that isn't related to your work becomes a luxury - movies, games, friends, sex... for some real extremists, this comes to encompass food, sleep, and bathing as well. You reach a point where you can't enjoy anything until the semester is put to bed. Once that last assignment is turned in, you can breathe again. I love that feeling.

Now, I'm beginning to see, that feeling is gone forever. It's not long after you begin to think about being a lifer in the academy that you realize that means it is NEVER all done. My methods class has made it abundantly clear to me that there is always another paper, another article, another study. And it's not just your own work - there is the work of others in your field that you must keep up with, think about, and with which your work must ultimately compete. When I'm feeling upbeat and positive, I call it "job security." I'm not calling it that today.

It's not that my life is all that terrible; I am, in fact, quite privileged. It's not that my class load is all that onerous either; I have only two classes, both excellently taught by professors I respect. It's not even the fear of this all coming to an end (which it will, gods willing, in a few more years). It is the realization that so few other options are open to me. I am destined for a career in the academe because I am so unsuited to anything else.

-I am accustomed to speaking my mind- this disqualifies me for a great many vocations, ranging from sales to customer service to politics to religion.
-I do not suffer fools gladly, which makes untenable any position in which I must deal with non-academics - and a good many academics as well.
-I am both cynical and critical, which would make me a terrible manager.
-I talk far too much, which keeps me from fitting into most office settings.
-I often stumble onto a new topic that grabs my attention in a sudden fit of interest bordering on obsession, but the duration of these fits is generally not long enough to make any sort of profit from them. (Tonight's fit was on the viability of an in-depth survey of furries, but that's another post...)

In short, I am easily bored and mouthy about it when I get that way. I need the room to explore, colleagues to discuss my findings with, and students to pontificate at. Unfortunately, the price for that is continual publishing and wrangling over tenure. I knew that already - my mother is an academic - but there is a difference between knowing something intellectually, and suddenly feeling it in your bones. When I look to the future I see my thesis prospectus staring back at me. Just past it stands the thesis itself, and peeking over its shoulder is a dissertation. There are articles and chapters and a book or two as well, all standing in a line that stretches out of sight, waiting their turn under the hammer.

My fingers ache for the typing yet to come.

Comfort and Cameron "fix" Darwin's work

2009-10-04T03:49:00.005-06:00

Charles Darwin’s work on natural selection has been with us for nearly 150 years now. In fact, the 150th anniversary of his classic, On the Origin of Species, is in November. It was earth-shaking stuff when it came out, but after nearly a century and a half of biology, paleontology, anthropology, zoology, and a host of other “-ologies” lending credence to his concepts, the most amazing thing about it may be that so many people still prefer the literal biblical interpretation, with the 7 days and the tree and the whole “it’s the woman’s fault” thing.

Some of them are so convinced of that version, in fact, that they are taking their little snake and apple show out to college campuses. One of these people is former sitcom star and now uber-Christian, Kirk Cameron. On November 21st, he’s going to be distributing a new version of the Origin of Species with a 50-page intro penned by his sidekick, Ray Comfort. You remember Ray – he’s also known as Bananaman. He got his 15 megs of fame on the Internet a few years back when he taught us all about how the banana was designed by God to fit the human hand – and then quietly apologized as it was pointed out that man hybridized the banana into the shape it has today. This, of course, qualifies him to write an introduction to one of the most defining scientific books of all time… an introduction which paints Darwin as a racist, misogynist, and heretic, then goes on to link evolution to the rise of the Nazis.

They’re going to be handing out this literary gem on the top 50 college campuses in America – which by the way, apparently does not include the University of Wyoming, a fine institution of which I am an alumnus, two and a half times over. It’s one thing to tamper with the most important theorist since Newton, but simultaneously diss my alma mater? Son of a bitch must pay.

I’m tired of this crap, so I’m just going to lay it out for you here. The Origin of Species is not the problem. Natural Selection is not the problem, nor is evolution. The problem is blind faith. Blind faith has caused many more problems than evolution ever will or could. You can decide what you choose to believe, but don’t tell me to not think for myself, and lastly – if your god tells you to tamper with the work of minds so clearly superior to your own, then screw him too.

(Thanks to Cerus for the heads up on this.)

I shall fear no lid...

2009-09-30T23:18:00.011-06:00

I know I promised that I would confine the workout shit to my other blog, but I'm too excited about this to not blog it. Some of you may recall that I have been working on my grip strength. The grippers that I use are the Captains of Crush (CoC) line made by IronMind. To put things in perspective, the little plastic grippers you see at your local godless corporate superstore call for about 30-40 pounds of pressure to close. The approximate poundage needed to close the CoC range is listed below.

CoC #1 - 140 lb.
CoC #1.5 - 167.5 lb.
CoC #2 - 195 lb.
CoC #2.5 - 237.5 lb.
CoC #3 - 280 lb.
CoC #3.5 - 322.5 lb.
CoC #4 - 365 lb.

I started out with a CoC #1, and mastered it pretty easily. Then came the overtraining, the injuries, the illness, and the painful starting over. I have been back to using the grippers regularly for a while now, but at a much more sane level of intensity than before. I have been doing proper warm up sets, stretching my fingers out, and giving my hands time to rest between workouts... which is all stuff that is found in every training manual, but why would I listen to experts, right?

So with the hard lessons learned and the injuries behind me now, I've been making some progress. About a week ago I finally closed the CoC #2 with my left hand. That was an amazing feeling, since my left side in general has been seriously lagging behind in strength development and coordination (ask any of my handball partners about how my left hand is "my lucky fin").

That was a nice dose of confidence, so I started hitting the #2.5 pretty seriously with my right hand. I have been close to closing it for a few weeks now, and today was the day! At the beginning of my evening kettlebell workout, when my grip was rested and fresh, I gave it a try and the handles touched pretty easily. I tried it again about an hour later, just to make sure it wasn't a fluke, and I was able to close it again.

In the grand scheme of things, it's not really all that important that I can generate 237.5 lbs of crunch with my right hand, but it does feel good to reach one of my short term goals. Also, it makes me the bane of pickle jars the world over...

Black Vatican Hardware Upgrade

2009-09-29T23:49:00.005-06:00

My Tuesday class was cancelled, so I literally had nowhere to be all day. I got up at the crack of noon, and began the difficult task of breaking in my new Macbook Pro.

I got it on Monday afternoon, but due to my Monday evening class, I'd only played with it for a few minutes. Today I did all those things you do when you get a new computer - set up my email accounts, set my homepage, downloaded Firefox and Word for Mac, etc. I haven't, however, hooked this baby up to my old iBook G4 for file transfer yet, and I might not. I am enjoying the "clean slate" feeling of this shiny new toy. No old essays cluttering up the hard drive, no half finished blog posts on the desktop, no stale pr0n in the trash bin... It feels like New Year's Day - the future is full of promise, and resolutions of power computing.

"I resolve to properly categorize my bookmarks."
"I resolve to change my passwords every month."
"I resolve to keep food and drinks at a safe distance."
"I resolve to cycle my battery regularly to extend its life."
"I resolve to not use my desktop as a file cabinet."

Unfortunately, just as the resolutions of January 1st usually only last until the 15th or so, I know it won't be too long before I'm looking at my hard drive saying, "WTF is all this shite? When did I save 120 MB of lolcats?!

For now, however, it feels lovely. It is like skiing on fresh snow; I am alone on this pristine cyberslope, and each link I click on is a beautiful Telemark arc in the history window...

Wow - where did that come from? I don't even like winter sports.

Maybe it's time to put the Macbook down for the night...

New Accolyte

2009-09-26T16:06:00.004-06:00

Since the Papal Hell Puppy has been reassigned to the D.C. branch of the Ministry, it was decided that FlockHall was underrepresented in the quadruped demographic. In the interest of cultural and species diversity, an exhaustive selection process was put into motion. After a final round of interviews yesterday, a female Havana Brown was chosen; Miss Quinn officially joined the Flock around 5pm Black Vatican standard time. She spent most of last night sleeping on my head, so she is fitting right in.

Just to clarify - I am not a huge fan of cats, but I do not, as has been reported, "fucking hate them." I was misquoted. I did say, "My mother had these cats; I fucking hated them." That is a very different thing. Miss Quinn is welcome here, and like any other member of my Flock, she is much beloved (Yes - I love you all, creepy as that sounds).

Frogs Are People Too

2009-09-25T22:58:00.000-06:00

I was all set to just come in here and bitch about how Lewis Black stole my flying car joke, which I posted here, on this very blog, on July 18th of this year. I’m not looking for royalties or anything, just a little recognition and maybe some better seats at your next show, Lewis…

Instead, I’ve spent the last two days trying to figure out if Glen Beck is actually so deranged as to throw a living frog into boiling water on live television. In case you haven’t heard about it – the alleged amphibicide took place on the September 23rd edition of his show. In order to illustrate some arcane point about how the American people are being boiled alive slowly by John McCain or suddenly by President Obama, Beck appears to toss a small frog into a pot of boiling water, with fatal results. For the frog, alas.

After reading a dozen so-called news reports, and watching the video over and over… I just really can’t tell. He does look a bit stunned when it doesn’t jump right back out, but Beck is a consummate showman – that could be part of the act. What point this was supposed to make is beyond me. What I can tell is that Glenn Beck is one pathetic little monkey. He reminds me of a 5 year-old kid dancing around in his pajamas when company comes to visit. It’s kind of pitiful really, the way he is willing to do anything for attention and a bigger slice of the Nielson pie. It was making me feel kind of sad for him, as if he didn’t deserve the all the ire that is heaped upon almost daily – I mean, he’s sick, right? It was as I was leafing through the DSM IV in an attempt to diagnose his personality disorder when I suddenly remembered… he made 23 million dollars last year! Even if it is a sickness, it’s a lucrative one, and I kind of wish I had a case of it myself…

Becks lunacy aside, what does his popularity say about his fan base? I can’t believe that they’re really just a pack of ignorant hillbillies who would be amused by dropping live animals into boiling water. I mean, that’s just… wait, what? I’m sorry, hang on, folks… Oh – oh, they are? Ok, one of our fact checkers is telling me from the booth that they are just ignorant hillbillies. Ok, wow – I stand corrected. Well, in that case, I guess this is just par for the course. You can’t really expect much more from the demographic that made turning left for 500 miles a major televised sport.

Glenn – as one radio personality to another – let me give you some advice. This kind of crap may be good for ratings, but in humor, you really only have two choices – tell a joke, or be a joke. Looks like you’ve made your choice.

Fallout is a Harsh Mistress

2009-09-24T00:28:00.006-06:00

Contrary to what you might have assumed, neither this blog, nor I, are dead. I wish I could say that I've been really busy or that I'm still sick, but no - the truth is, I've just been Lazy McSlackenheimer of late.

I only have two classes this semester, plus 3 credits of thesis research. Granted, those two classes (Sociobiology and Research Methods) are both beastly, but in past semesters I have taken 3 classes and still had time to post. I'm not sure what the deal is this semester, but it seems like I have less time to write than ever. I am beginning to believe that the days are shorter this year. It probably has something to do with the economy - fucking greedy Wall Street types...

Several of the BCPs have tried to motivate me by offering topic suggestions. Some have suggested that I go back to my usual pissy ranting about the ennui of college, but even I'm tired of that. Another wanted me to put more effort into bashing the talking heads of the Right, but that would mean that I'd have to listen to Limbaugh and Beck more. The Papal cardiologist and the Papal therapist both recommended against it, as listening to those asshats simultaneously depresses me and makes my blood pressure soar.

One even offered me a book concept. She said, "You know how you're always saying that the average American doesn't begin to understand why the Proletariat should rise up and throw off the Capitalists? You could write a book that explains it to them!"

"Yes," I said, "but that book has already been written. It's called The Communist Manifesto."

"Well, yeah, but you're so funny!" Then she wrinkled her pretty nose and said, "Besides, no one wants to read Marx."

Despite these adorable shows of support, I have remained a non-productive lameass. Some of the problem is related to my brief but intense fling with Fallout 3 (if that game was a woman, I'd buy it chocolates and ask it out - and it would say "no," because it's way too good for me, and I would just love it from afar... maybe wait outside it's house... and end up with a restraining order). I can't really blame my silence on that, however, as the Xbox here at Flockhall is currently out of commission, due to the red ring of death. It is by sheer force of will alone that I am not at WalMart right now buying a new one.

Truthfully, I believe it is mostly due to my lack of a proper schedule, which is directly related to my lack of regular workouts. Simply put, if Linus no tired, Linus no sleep. Now that I'm well enough to sweat again, I'm trying to remedy that lack. We have been playing handball for the last two weeks, I've been swinging the kettlebells again, and I've started going back to the MMA gym as well. I am taking it easy, however, as I am finally accepting the mileage my body has on it. I don't want a relapse of the mystery virus, nor do I need to tweak my shoulder again. I just want to be tired enough to fall into bed around 11:00 every night, so I can rise early and get stuff done. If that works, I should be able to take some daytime shifts in the computer labs, and that is when the blog magic happens.

So - if you have missed my inane blathering here, make the correct obeisances before whatever heathen altars you frequent, and pray that I sleep. Light candles, make burnt offerings, anoint things, or even one another - I'm authorizing you to pull out all the stops. Once you get the attention of the supernatural entity of your choice, ask nicely, like you would ask Santa.

Not Mono, but Dying Just the Same

2009-09-03T07:01:00.006-06:00

In my ongoing quest to destroy what little readership I have left, I've been posting nothing but political rants and Veganazi propaganda. Despite this, my tracking software indicates that my daily number of hits has remained steady. This led me to wonder just exactly who my readers are. I wanted to equip my corps of flying monkeys with a list of referral URLs and send them out to hunt you all down, but the boys down in Legal said no. Apparently it's some kind of liability issue if you cause people to freak out by subjecting them to living proof that their childhood fears are real. Stoopid Wizard of Oz PTSD...

In order to give you a post that will neither destroy your faith in the political system, nor ruin your lunch (you filthy omnivores) I'll just try to fill you in on some changes in my life.

I am working what I hope is my last overnight shift in a computer lab, ever. Because the class I am the GA for is in the mid-morning, my office hours are in the early afternoon, and my own classes meet in the evening, working 03:00 - 07:00 means I'm not getting anywhere near enough sleep. If you follow my fitness blog, you may recall that I mentioned a blood test for mono a few weeks ago. Turns out that I don't have mono, nor do I have a host of other viral nasties, but they are not sure what IS wrong. All they can tell me is that I have a lingering viral infection, and the treatment is rest. Anecdotally, I have to agree. If I get 6-7 hours of sleep on a given day, I will begin to cough by late afternoon. If, however, I get 8-10 hours of sleep my cough does not return.

I have thrown myself on the clemency of my boss, and begged for some day shifts. Failing that, I'd be ok with slipping back to a "subs only" status on the schedule, where I'd only work the shifts that others give up because of personal conflicts. Hopefully, he will oblige - if not, I'll just have to quit outright.

In other fun news, I am getting certified to judge ISCF MMA bouts. It's a bit like the judging in boxing; a "10-point must" system, with equal weight given to standup striking, clinch fighting, take-downs, positioning, submission attempts, ground striking, and overall control. It means that I will be one of three sanctioned judges at the next cage fight in Black Vatican City, which happens to be taking place on the 11th of September. If you are local and would like to come to the bout - there are three championship belts on the line - contact me by email and I'll give you details on getting tickets.

Anywho, I have some poll results for you. The question was:

How do you want to see the health care issue resolved?

(This, of course, assumes that you see health care as an issue. If you don't, you may not have felt the need to participate in the poll. You also may not feel the need to remove your cranium from your rectum. Your call...)

The Results:

A single payer system, like the European models. 43%

A modification of the current system, with both private and public options. 56%

A slight reworking of the current system, with more options for those with pre-existing conditions. 0%

Viva la Capitalism! Fuck the poor and the ill - health care for the highest bidder! 0%

The cyber-faithful are divided, but both factions want to see some form of public health care - you godless Socialists. (I'm so proud of you...)

Thankfully, none of you punks chose that last response. Even if you had just done it as a joke, there would have been flying monkeys galore - liability be damned.

Chewed

2009-09-03T04:14:00.003-06:00

I know you hate it when I bring this up, but this is just plain fucked up.

The machine they use to grind the chicks is called a macerator... yeah, as in "to chew." Think about this when you order your next Egg McMuffin. Or anything with eggs in it... which is a lot more than you'd think. Read labels - and be horrified.

A New Semester

2009-08-28T05:19:00.006-06:00

Hopefully, this is my final semester of coursework at UW. I am enrolled in two seminars; Sociobiology and Advanced Research Methods. Both look to be great classes, with excellent instructors. I'm also the Graduate Assistant for Sociology of Gender. I'll be lecturing a bit in that class, so that should be a good time.

The first week of classes is always a time of adjustment. This semester, however, has been more lumpy than usual. I am not as organized as I'd like to be, and I've already missed a workshift because of it. I'm not sure why this semester has gotten off to a rougher start than usual, but here is a partial list of the stressors that come to mind...

I have a metric fuckton of reading to do for my seminars
I want to keep up on my workout schedule
I want to maintain my morning meditation schedule
I am trying to eat a better diet
I want to find time for writing, both academic and this blog
I feel like I should be more politically active (I want universal Health Care!)
I want to get as much done on my thesis research as possible
I need to get enough sleep to stay healthy

The past few days have gone by in a blur, and I feel like I haven't gotten much done. To alleviate that feeling I've spent the last few hours getting all the articles for my seminars downloaded and put into folders, and I've also been getting my Google Calendar loaded with all my assignments. I feel simultaneously better and overwhelmed. Seeing the work all spread out before me like that is daunting, but it also removes the need for concious thought. I know what is to be done each day, without wasting any cerebral resources on it.

As for this blog, I am not certain what will be appearing on here. I have, however, decided that it is time for another poll - see the right sidebar.

I still don't play WoW...

2009-08-18T01:45:00.003-06:00

...but good goddamn Felicia Day is hot.

If I thought it would get me any closer to her, I'd log on right now...
(Thanks to Raksha for bringing this to my attention.)

Poke Glenn Beck in the Eye

2009-08-14T23:00:00.003-06:00

More often than not, the news makes me sad. Recently, it’s been all health care this and health care that, and Ann Coulter putting Zeke Emmanuel on her “death list,” and some crazy birther ripping up a poster of Rosa Parks at a town hall meeting – seriously, who hates Rosa Parks?

In the last few days, however, there has been a string of news stories that have warmed my withered and blackened heart and brought a smile to my face. No, I’m not talking about Michael Vick getting signed by the Eagles – that just made me uneasy – nor am I referring to Hillary being asked what her husband thought of foreign affairs – that just made me come up with jokes about picking up girls while on a goodwill tour of other countries…

No, I’m referring to the current exodus of advertisers from the TV show of right-wing asshat, Glenn Beck. In the last few days, major corporations have been fleeing Beck’s idiot hour like rats being attacked by Somali pirates. He’s lost Lexis-Nexus, Procter & Gamble, Progressive Insurance, Travelocity, SC Johnson, Sargento, ConAgra, Radio Shack, Roche, Sanofi-Aventis, and my personal favorite, Geico. The caveman and talking lizard company won’t even be on TV with Glenn Beck. And rightly so. In recent months he has really stepped up his game. In addition to his usual schedule of incoherent screaming, crying, and drawing bizarre connections between Obama, Nazi Germany, and his handicapped daughter, he has added calling the president a racist to the docket. Well, to be precise, he called the President a racist who hates white people and white culture. If race baiting was an Olympic event, Beck would be suspected of using performance-enhancing drugs.

Of course, it would be too much to expect the Fox network to sanction him for this behavior, nor can we expect corporate America to actually have a conscience. No, it was the hard work of an advocacy group called ColorofChange.org that actually got results. By emailing their 600,000 members, they were able to solicit enough support to actually tug on the purse strings of big business by threatening a boycott of products advertised on Beck’s show. It’s beautiful really – Beck was attempting to rouse the ire of whites, and instead he pissed off the black community so much that they actually reacted effectively. He has moved people to action – against him. I absolutely love it.

ColorofChange is still pressuring his other advertisers to pull their ads, and they want you to add your voice to the outcry. At ColorOfChange.org you can sign an online petition, or better yet, you can write to his advertisers directly. Currently, folks are asked to write to the CEO of Red Lobster, and to WalMart’s Director of Ethics – which, incidentally, has got to be the most oxymoronic title in corporate America.

You should do this. You should do it in the name of responsible broadcasting… or in the name of corporate responsibility… or in the name of poking Glenn Beck in the eye… or, just in the name of making the Black Pope happy – you want me to be happy, right? My life is so hollow – help me out here…

Are "Ordinary Americans" Really This Stupid?

2009-08-07T23:06:00.002-06:00

I love democracy. I love it as much or more than the next guy – especially when the next guy is a whacked out teabagger who has been whipped into a frenzy by the likes of Limbaugh and Hannity. As our legislators wade into the festering cesspool that is the health care debate, the right-wing talking heads have encouraged their devotees – so called, “ordinary Americans” - to assault every town hall meeting with a barrage of half truths and irrational frothing about everything from assisted suicide to Obama’s Muslim Kenyan origins. In an attempt to protect our Democracy from the dangerous Socialists who want to institute horrible Nazi reforms like giving everyone the ability to see a doctor, these thinly-veiled lynch mobs have disrupted town hall meetings all over the US, and prevented any realistic debate about the issue. The fact that just out-yelling your opponents is completely counter to the ideals of our Democracy apparently hasn’t occurred to them yet, but even if it did, they certainly wouldn’t let a little detail like that deter them from their appointed mission.

In fact, some of them are taking that mission so seriously that they’re prepared to take the next illogical step. Numerous Democratic lawmakers have reported receiving threats by phone, email, and in person. Just as you’d expect from the ignorant “guns and god” demographic, these threats involve promises of violence and death for legislators who support the health care bill. It’s only a matter of time before some lunatic hopped up on huge doses of Glenn Beck and Pabst Blue Ribbon actually demonstrates his interpretation of the 2nd Amendment and drops the hammer on a Democrat. Of course, Beck and the rest will abhor the violence, even though they are actively fomenting it with fear mongering and disinformation. According to them, the government is going to tell us all which pills to take, force us all to stand in line for hours in pools of your own blood, and euthanize grandma when she gets too expensive to care for.

Folks, I’ve looked the bill over – and notice I said, “looked it over,” because the PDF is over 1000 pages long. When someone says they’ve read the bill, please feel free to call shenanigans because they’re full of crap. At any rate, I’ve looked it over, and from what I can tell they really aren’t going to bureaucratize us into death camps, no matter how many times those wankers on Fox News say so.

The truth is, the majority of Americans have nothing to lose in this battle. The number of uninsured and underinsured is always a subject of debate, but the experts all agree that those numbers are rising steadily every year. The Census Bureau reports that the families hit hardest are those with incomes between $25,000 and $75,000 a year – which is the bulk of “ordinary Americans.” Hand in hand with the rising uninsured number is a decrease in employer coverage, which also hits the 25 to 75k crowd the hardest. So tell me again why these “ordinary Americans” are protesting a bill that will help them the most?

It comes down to this – they have been lied to. Worse yet, many of them lack the cognitive skills to know a lie from the truth. That's right - I'm outright calling them stupid. Given that they are stupid, those who would lie to them to further their own political ends are despicable, but those who would do so for something so base as ratings deserve to be placed in the very same dystopian healthcare systems they predict. When Glen Beck and Rush Limbaugh are bleeding out while standing in line for government health care, THEN I might support euthanasia.

Technical Difficulties

2009-08-06T08:10:00.004-06:00

Apparently, Blogger is borked...

Jerk Yourself Thin

2009-07-30T23:43:00.007-06:00

I think this is a real product...

.

Tired of getting cramps in your arms before he's done? Now, for only $19.95 you can have beautiful, sculpted chicken-choking muscles in as little as 6 minutes a day!

Why don't they just call it the "JackMaster 2000" and be done with it?

Our First Fight...

2009-07-24T20:39:00.004-06:00

UPDATE: Apparently, the President and the two principals in this incident will be having some brewskis in the near future...

I knew this day would come. Even in the heady days of our whirlwind romance during the campaign, I knew the spark would grow cold, and someday Obama and I would have out first spat. I mean, it’s only natural, given my uber-left worldview, fickle nature, and tenuous grip on my temper – but I had hoped it would happen later, and I hoped it would be for something roguish and cute, like diddling an intern with a cigar. But earlier this week when the President said the Cambridge, Massachusetts police officer who arrested prominent Harvard University Professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. acted stupidly, I wanted to make him sleep on the couch.

As you have probably figured out by now, I’m about as liberal as a guy can get. I’m all for exposing discrimination and racism in all its forms, and I think that agencies and officials should work to even the disparities between the races in terms of policing. I’m well aware that Blacks and Latinos are arrested in disproportionate numbers in this country, and I’m also not opposed to sanctioning police officers who overstep their powers, despite my own previous career as a law enforcement officer. That said, I am opposed to the President, or any official for that matter, making off-hand remarks about a case, the facts of which, he admittedly didn’t know.

Because Professor Gates is an African American and the arresting officer is white, the immediate assumption is that he was the victim of racial profiling, and I confess that upon hearing of the incident, that was the conclusion I jumped to as well. Upon hearing just a few of the details of the case, however, I began to have my doubts.
According to all the published accounts I’ve seen, at the point that the arrest was made, Professor Gates had already shown the officer his Harvard ID card, and the officer was trying to get some confirmation that the house was, in fact, his. With that fact confirmed, the officer would have no reason to make an arrest – it is perfectly legal to break into your own house. The fact that the arrest was made for disorderly conduct while he was trying to ascertain that fact indicates that the words which were exchanged between the officer and Gates were probably quite heated.

This leads us to the question of why? Why would the officer and Gates begin yelling at each other to the point that the officer felt it was necessary to jail the professor? And believe me, it takes a lot to get the average cop to do that - taking someone to jail requires an affidavit and a bunch of other paperwork hassles, so it's generally not done on a whim. I came up with several possible answers.

It could be that the cop in question is a racist pig bastard, following the dictates of “the Man” and he was just taking the opportunity to jail a black man for no reason. While I admit that’s possible, I think it unlikely, given that the officer, Sgt. James Crowley, is the guy who teaches the racial sensitivity classes at their local law enforcement academy. If anything, he would be hyper-aware of the ramifications of such an action. Plus, he has no prior history of such behavior in his career.

Could it be that this was just a case of a guy losing it on a cop because he was embarrassed? Possibly – an incident like that would certainly generate a police report, which would be published in the police blotter, which could cause a prominent man like Gates to feel a bit foolish. In that situation, some of us will yell before we think of the consequences. Especially if we feel that our position should carry some prestige with it which makes us believe that we should be treated with greater respect or deference – sound like any prominent professors you know?

Or worst of all, could it be that the victim of racial profiling here is the cop? Could it be that because he is a white man arresting a prominent black man on charges which were ultimately dropped, that the assumption is that his behavior was racially motivated? In fact, could he take any action in this situation without the shadow of race falling over it?

Any of these scenarios could be the case, and only Crowley and Gates really know what happened that evening. It does seem likely to me, however, that this is not a case of blatant racial bias on the part of the officer, and even if the arrest was not wise, this is not Rodney King or Abner Louima we’re talking about here – no one got severely beaten or had a broomstick broken off in his ass. In short, it’s not an incident that requires national media attention. Had this taken place between two men of the same race, would this even be an issue? It wouldn’t have gotten national coverage, and it certainly doesn’t require the comment of the President.

Although I’m not ready to break up with the President yet, the honeymoon is definitely over. He needs to do something really romantic to win me back… like, attaching dental coverage to the health care plan, or, making gay marriage legal in all 50 states.

Actually, I’m easier than that. I’d probably settle for lower gas prices and some flowers...

At War with the Plants

2009-07-21T01:55:00.007-06:00

My allergies are quite irritating right now. Even while staying indoors I am sneezing and my eyes itch, but I have already exceeded the allowed dosage of my meds for today. This is one of the great ironies of my life here in Black Vatican City - I bitch all the time about the cold, yet during our all-too-brief summer the plants outside are trying to kill me.

As for medications, the next step is steroids. I've tried the steroid shot in years past and it worked like a charm, but I'm less than excited about going that route. It is both expensive and not great for your innards, plus I'd rather be treated in a more natural way.

This brings me to one of the many thorny crossroads that all vegans face. It seems that there is a body of evidence (mostly anecdotal, unfortunately) that indicates that raw local honey or bee pollen taken daily can reduce or eliminate allergy symptoms. Honey is one of the grey areas of veganism - many will avoid it simply in the name of consistency, while others will tell you that honey is one of the only animal foods that doesn't actually exploit the animals producing it. I've done a bit of research of late on the subject, and the domestic honeybee is, in fact, probably far better off than his wild cousins, but some are killed during the harvesting of full honeycombs - it's unavoidable.

I know many of you will scoff at my concern for a few tiny bees, but I want to kill as few animals as possible in the years remaining to me in this incarnation. I choose not to eat animal foods because I don't need them to live a long, healthy life; avoiding unnecessary suffering and killing of any kind is the point. In this case, however, the animal producers don't appear to suffer terribly, the number of deaths is reportedly very low, and I may actually NEED the fruits of their labors in order to live a healthier, less pharmaceutical-dependent life

So, the long and the short of it is that after much thought, I've decided to give the honey and bee pollen treatments a try. I've read that it takes a long time to work, so this may not be particularly useful until next spring, but I think It's worth a try. If anyone knows of good ways to ingest bee pollen (I hear it's nasty) I'd be grateful for your recipes.

How Was Girls' Night Out, Honey?

2009-07-19T22:10:00.002-06:00

Remembering Apollo 11

2009-07-18T02:01:00.003-06:00

Today marks the 40th anniversary of the launch of the Apollo 11 mission to the moon, and in a few days it will be the anniversary of the first moonwalk.

I imagine that most of you weren’t born yet, but I recall both of those events. I was 4 years old at the time, and the quality of those first televised images from the moon was pretty grainy, but I remember it, and I’m thankful my grandmother sat me down in front of the TV that day and threatened to beat me if I wasn’t quiet.

I’m glad I remember it, because the Apollo program proved that when mankind applies its talents we can achieve great things. It was a time of optimism, and vision, and a belief that with technology, anything was possible. It seemed obvious to us that by the time I became an adult, on the weekends we’d all be driving our hover cars to the spaceport to catch a flight to the Sea of Tranquility for some R&R.

Of course, just a few years later, the Apollo program was dismantled. Having accomplished our real objective of beating the Russians in the race to the moon, the government lost interest and turned to more important things – like beating the Russians in the race to see who could have the most missiles. Since then, we’ve seen NASA change from the place where the best and brightest go to push back the horizon, to being a place where every launch knocks another piece off the shuttle and makes reentry a crap shoot, and weird kidnappers go to get astronaut diapers. I heard today on NPR that American astronauts will soon have to get rides from other countries to take them into orbit. That’s right – our astronauts are now that guy - probably bumming freeze dried ice cream off the Cosmonauts, and crashing on the couch at the International Space Station.

Where are the Buzz Aldrins and Neil Armstrongs of this generation? We need those men, and not just to beat the Russians to Mars. We actually need them to survive. You see, we, as a species, need to believe that we can overcome what we face. I’m struck by the irony of the bumper stickers all over town that say “Yes We Can” when it’s clear we don’t believe that anymore. Look at the news - we can’t seem to do anything about global climate change, we can’t solve our energy problems, we can’t seem to feed everybody, we can’t give everyone medical care – hell, we can’t even get our banking system to work properly anymore. Take swine flu as an example. World wide a few hundred people get the piggie sniffles and we start to act like it’s fucking judgment day. Epidemiologists and health policy makers wring their hands and tell us there is nothing much we can do but cancel school and hand out Tamiflu. Back in the 1950s, when polio was taking down over 50,000 Americans a year, Jonas Saulk and his crew at the University of Pittsburgh didn’t get all whiny – they just kicked that virus’s ass. Oh sure, it’s illegal to experiment on institutionalized children like they did, but that’s just nitpicking – the point is they believed they could do it, and that’s the kind of thinking that will keep man alive long after we have burned this little rock to a crisp. If the Republicans really oppose cap and trade, they should support the expansion of the space program – ‘cuz where else are you gonna’ go when the ozone layer is smoked?

Go to NASA’s website and watch the videos of the original landing. We took that one giant leap 40 years ago, and it’s about time for more. I want Obama to parallel Kennedy and set some deadlines. I want us to go back to the moon, I want us to establish colonies, and I want us to go on to Mars. I want the spirit of innovation and perseverance that was once the hallmark of humanity to be rekindled. I want us to explore, simply because it’s what humans have always done. I want us to embrace our destiny and leave this cradle. And most of all, I want my damn hover car!